Friday, August 21, 2009

What might have been

A friend of mine who is just a couple of years younger than I (actually, born on the same date/year as MM) got married the same year as MM and I. They married on April 5; we married on November 28. She and I met when we worked together at my last job, and we have stayed in touch since I moved to a larger city 100 miles away. Several times I have stayed with them on weekends, and they have visited us when they've been in town.

Her husband is a few years younger than she is, and when they got married, they weren't sure whether they wanted children. Nearly a year ago, she shared with me that they had decided to start TTC. We talked about her concerns related to her health (she has rheumatoid arthritis and had to change meds to TTC). At that time, I shared with her that MM and I had already been trying (unsuccessfully) for several months ; in fact, we had already begun our initial testing with the RE. (Back in those days, I still clung to a shred of optimism that because nothing was "wrong" with either of us, we would eventually conceive on our own, and thus talked freely about our TTC efforts with people who asked. I don't do that now.)

She was very understanding about my feelings related to our lack of success. Her only sister conceived both of her children through IVF after years of infertility, so she knows better than the average person how difficult that can be.

My friend and I have been playing phone tag for a few days, and she finally caught me last night as I sat in the hairstylist's chair with color on my roots. She called to tell me that she is pregnant.

I am happy for them. I know from conversations over the past several months that she had begun to wonder if this would ever happen for them, given the length of time it was taking. She and her husband have several nieces and nephews, and they will make great parents. They are both very "together" and fun people.

I was also proud of myself for not feeling at all envious or bitter at her news, even though they've been trying at least six months less than we have. My first reaction was excitement and happiness for her. And I continued to feel nothing but happiness for her until I asked how far along she was and she told me she is due on April 9th.

April 9th is the day I would have been due had my recent early miscarriage not happened.

To be fair to my friend, she does not know about my miscarriage, and it was very kind and considerate of her to make a point of telling me individually, early on, so that I wouldn't be blind-sided by the news if I heard it from someone else or more publicly. I know that she went out of her way to make this as easy for me as possible, knowing about our own lack of success.

Still, as I thought about her pregnancy after we hung up the phone, I felt thankful that she lives over 100 miles away and we only see one another every few months now. I couldn't help but think that every time I see her pregnant, or see her with her baby, and eventually her child, that I will be reminded of the fact that I could have been just as pregnant, or had a child the same age. And it would have been really fun to be pregnant "together" and compare our symptoms and progress, and eventually our children's progress.

Ah well.

I also found out this morning that my friend from the online buddy group is due to deliver #2 on April 12. So her little ones will be about 13 months apart.

P.S. Thanks for your comments and suggestions on my last post. I am not going to take the pill or put any other hormones into my body that aren't absolutely essential to improving our chances of getting pregnant--times I have taken the pill in the past, I've not always tolerated it well--so I am just going to have to let nature take its course. And like one of the commenters, I'm not even sure that the NP is right about this not being a "real period," so even without meds or IUI, we are going to continue to try this month.


  1. That must've been so tough...and your feelings seem perfectly rational and normal to me. Kudos to your friend for trying to make it bearable, even when that doesn't make it any easier. (((HUGS)))


  2. I'm sorry, sweetie. Those feelings and thoughts are so real and I'm sorry you have this reminder so close to you. Sending many hugs and hoping you are joining your friend so very soon.

  3. Good for you, feeling happy for your friend. I'm proud of you, focusing on the positive. And I have to admit, that like you I'd be glad that although I'm happy for others who get their dream, it's nice not to have to see her every day. Hang in there!

  4. It sounds like you did great with your friends announcement. It also helps me with the jealousy when it's people who live far away or I don't see very often announce.

  5. these dates of what might have been and all of those emotions that they bring....they are very powerful. I have lost 3 babies and know and remember every year what the 2 due dates would have been(1 pregnancy was twin). my last loss was 6 years ago, and I don't see myself ever forgetting. those little people are important, whether they are there with you right now or in your heart forever.

  6. Wow - I just got a pain in my heart for you as I read this...what are the chances? I'm so sorry honey - that days is weirdly significant for me as well.


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