Thursday, December 30, 2010

Last post of 2010

Today has been an oddly positive day.  While I didn't get much work done--there is a festive, "do it later" atmosphere in our office on the day before a holiday which I'm sure is common--I feel caught up and ready to hit the ground running next week.  (Which is especially awesome, as January 1 starts my "billing year," meaning all the work I do starting next week is counting toward a possible bonus in 2011.)

The weather here today has been decidedly un-Phoenix-like, and I think that has contributed to the holiday mood in the office.  From my office a few floors from the top of our 20-story office building, I have been able to watch the skies changing minute by minute as clouds move briskly through the metro area.  I can actually see snow (almost magically) appearing on the peaks of mountains only 10-20 miles away!  Very cool and unusual for here.

The new carry-on luggage I ordered a few weeks even arrived today, just in time for my trip to my dad's tonight.  Serendipity!

Whatever you have planned to celebrate the coming of the new year, I hope it's fun.  I imagine we will be spending a quiet evening in with my father and stepmother, and that suits me just fine.

I confess, I am not sorry to see 2010 end.  I thought 2009 was one of the toughest years of my adulthood, and truth be told, aside from finding a new job--which, really, in this economy, cannot truly be an aside--this year was not much better for me.  Damn infertility.

I read a news article recently about a man who decided to send 365 handwritten thank you notes in a year.  (I think he wrote a book about the experience.)  I confess, a resolution like that really appeals to me.  It's not at all self-centered; it would likely bring joy (or at least positive feelings) to other people; and it really wouldn't be that hard to do, as you'd only have to average one note a day.

Simply counting my blessings myself or keeping a gratitude journal does not seem to be enough to lift my mood most days and take me out of myself.  Maybe I will try that and/or some new volunteer work in the new year.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Another year, same old me

Before infertility, I used to enjoy the end-of-year "look back" and the setting of resolutions or goals for the next year.  Invariably there would be some unpleasant things that had happened during the past year, but more often I would look back with pride on my accomplishments and look forward with hope for doing more and better in the coming year.

Now, after nearly three years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby of our own, it is very hard to focus on the positives.  I'm sure they are there.  It's just hard to feel good about professional successes and the like when I feel like there is a huge void in my life that may never be filled, that it is beyond my ability to fill.

So here I sit, a few days before the end of 2010, still childless (and still fat, but let's stay on topic).

I hate how infertility has tainted my view of my life.  Let's see if I can come up with something anyway.

Top ten things that happened in my life this year (in no particular order)

1. Visited Disneyland with MM (his first visit)
2. Visited California Adventure for the first time
3. Got a new, better-paying job
4. Hosted my nephew's first visit to Arizona
5. Paid off my car
6. Celebrated my second wedding anniversary with MM
7. Sought counseling about my infertility
8. Saw the child for whom I am a CASA placed in an adoptive home (her third, but it looks like this one is going to work out)
9. Spent my birthday in Las Vegas (for the third time, LOL) and saw the Cirque du Soleil show "O" (awesome!)
10. Spent a summer weekend in San Diego

Top ten things that I would like to do (or see happen) in 2011 (not listed in order of importance or likelihood)

1. Become a mother (this should actually be #1-5. My goal used to be to "get pregnant," but at this point, I am more focused on the end than the means.)
2. Lose weight (on the list again for the nth time)
3. Visit my nephew Rowan at least twice(seeing him three times in a year was on my list for 2009 and 2010.  I fell short of my goal and only saw the little guy twice each year, so maybe twice is more realistic.)
4. Earn a favorable first review (and bonus) at my new job
5. Make it to my third wedding anniversary with MM with our relationship (and respective sanities) intact
6. Take a vacation to somewhere exotic
7. See my father recover fully from his recent extensive shoulder surgery
8. Finally convince my mother to get her own place in Arizona so she isn't at our house for 6-8 weeks every winter.  (If she had her own place, she could stay longer and we'd all enjoy it more.)
9. Celebrate my 40th birthday with my sister.  (This one is going to happen, barring anything radical going wrong; reservations are already made.)
10. Resist the urge to buy a new car

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Um, yeah, so. . .

I've been planning for my next post to be an upbeat one about the joys of the season and all that jazz. . . . until MM called me from work yesterday afternoon to say that he's been giving it a lot of thought, and he no longer wants us to do a DE IVF cycle next summer as we'd planned.

I was more than a little surprised, as he had never given me an inkling prior to this that he was on the fence about it.  Sure, I knew he had some reservations about the amount of money we were going to have to borrow to make this happen, but I figured he'd just decided that the risk was worthwhile.  He confessed that he has been going back and forth about whether it's a good idea for a while now but just didn't confide in me because he "wanted to be sure" about how he felt.

Maybe I should've seen this coming when he agreed to look into adoption.  Nothing else could have sent a clearer signal that he had reached a point where having a child who is genetically related to him is no longer as important to him as it once was.

He has not said "no" to a DE cycle, but he has told me that he really, really does not want to spend the money it will cost.  And he won't do it until/unless we have the full amount in the bank (which would take me about a year-and-a-half to two years to save alone, even putting away every spare cent).

He has agreed to my looking into embryo donation/adoption, primarily because it's so much cheaper.  Yet another area I know nothing about and will have to research.  (I'm going to be a friggin' expert on paths to parenthood before I ever have a child of my own!)

I have been really sad about MM's decision, which makes me realize how invested I had become in the idea of doing a DE cycle (and it working).  The idea of doing a procedure with an 80% success rate was (is) so appealing.  Though realistically, I cannot disagree with MM's thoughts that it is just too much money to spend.  Even with help from his parents, doing DE IVF will completely drain our savings and leave us with a significant chunk of debt besides.  I can't say he's wrong to not want to put himself (us) in that financial situation.

So now I don't know what exactly will happen next, when or if we will do a cycle with donated embryos, or whether we will ever be parents.

Welcome back to the world of "who knows what will happen."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Giving up hope

I haven't been posting much, not only because of the fact that I can no longer do so during the day at work, but also because really, I haven't had much to say.  Life has been surprisingly (and blessedly) infertility-angst-free for me of late.  Not sure if that's because we have a plan (albeit one which will not be realized for several months), because I really worked through my feelings of grief and loss in my (four) counseling sessions, or if it's just a temporary glitch.  Whichever the reason is, I'll take it.

I'm doing so well that I was even able to interact closely with an 11-month-old baby at my office today. . . . a baby whose mother is a complete stranger to me, I might add.  (He was the visiting nephew of a coworker I don't really know at my new job.)  And I received the news that the 21-year-old unmarried pregnant file clerk at my office delivered her second child today without much emotion at all.

Years ago, I remember seeing a button (remember when buttons were all the rage?  I may be dating myself here) that said "Since I gave up hope, I feel much better."  Actually, that kind-of sums up my current emotional state.  Since I've given up hope of conceiving a child naturally, with my own eggs and without intervention, I feel much better.

That said, I have not given up hope of parenthood.  No, I confess that I still have hope that DE will make us parents.  We have our initial consultation at our chosen clinic the first Friday in February (I am going to keep the city and clinic names confidential here for privacy reasons, but email me if you are looking for a DE program and are interested), which will be our first step on the path.  (Well, aside from our ongoing plan to save as much of the hefty cost of a cycle as we can.)

I have developed a routine of checking the donor database at our clinic once a day on average, just to see whether any new donors have been added who might fit what we are looking for or whether any of our "favorites" have cycled or been taken out of the database.  "Checking up on my girls," I call it.  It's odd and comforting at the same time.

So that's where I'm at.  Life in general is busy and full, but life on the TTC front is quiet.