Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I've read the blogs of other women struggling with IF who have written about being "lapped" by friends and family members TTC, and I had my first experience with this myself over the weekend. ("Lapped" meaning that the friend/family member is now pregnant with #2 when she has been TTC the same length of time--or less than--the blogger.)

In the early days of TTC during the spring and summer of 2008, when my outlook was still rosy and I was sure that I'd be pregnant in short order (a big concern of mine then was being *really* pregnant for my day-after-Thanksgiving wedding, ha ha ha), I frequented the message boards of a popular fertility charting site. In early June, I joined a buddy group whose original members were four; six other women joined within the next 30 days or so.

Of the original four group members, one conceived twins the first month we were a group, one conceived the next cycle and had a baby boy in February, and one is currently 18 weeks pregnant. (The fourth member: me, still TTC.) All but one of the six women who joined after the original four have conceived and given birth and have babies ranging from 4 weeks to 7 months in age; the remaining woman took a long break from TTC due to marital problems and is not yet pregnant.

Although I no longer visit the message boards on that charting site, I am friends with several of these women on Fac.ebook and am thus able to keep current with what's going on with them. Though none of them has struggled with IF, two had early losses before going on to successful pregnancies, one had to use Clomid (one cycle) to get pregnant, and all have been very solicitous and supportive of me as we continue TTC month after month.

Last weekend, during the time between my two blood tests when it seemed I might be pregnant (after 4 + HPTs) but things were still uncertain, one of the ladies from my buddy group posted the following on Fac.ebook in an ongoing message thread we have: "on a whim I took a test tonight and got a very digital PREGNANT staring back at me! The past couple of weeks, I've really been feeling like I was finally going to start my period and I just never did.. then today I started to have 'that feeling'." Her son is just over 5 months old and is still breastfeeding.

Though they were not yet TTC, my friend is very excited about her pregnancy--they'd wanted their kids to be close in age--and I am happy for her. I must admit, though, that it stings a little to know that she has accomplished twice what I have not managed to accomplish once in 16 months of TTC. There has been sufficient time for her to get pregnant, go through an entire full-term pregnancy, deliver a healthy baby, and get pregnant again in the time that we have been trying.

Something like this really puts into perspective just how long TTC is taking us.


  1. It always makes e cringe when people announce their pregnancies on a major social media before the pee stick is even dry. Ugghhhh. So sorry that you had to go through this. I totally know what you mean about being lapped. It has happened to me several times. I have been hosting a TTC board on Babyzone for a year now. The women come in, get their BFPs in 1-3 cycles and then say adios. There I am, still hosting. The final straw came the ther day when a women who got pregnant last July and already had her baby and has come back to TTC #2. *sigh*. Some women have it so damn easy!

  2. I know it's next to impossible, but try not to focus on what's happening to others. I've done this in the context of other issues (mostly financial success), and the constant comparing just drove me mad. Then again, I only stopped doing it when we moved away from all the people that I was using as our measuring stick...so I guess I'm not exactly a "success" story in that regard. I just hate to hear the added hurt and stress that comes along with others' pregnancies. I wish I could just lock you in a cone of silence to take that layer of crap away from you for a few months.

  3. When we got married the wife of one of my husband's biz partners was pregnant. We began trying for a baby. His second biz partner had a baby. The biz partner who was expecting when we got married had second baby. Here I am 4 years later still waiting. I am sorry that you have experienced this also. I left a surprise for you on my blog.

  4. Ouch. That really sucks. Had a similar experience myself recently. Although I'm happy for her, it just sorta hit me in the chest for a minute, if that makes sense.

  5. Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you. I get how hard it is to concentrate, etc. It so sucks, and these jobs don't help! Take care of yourself, girl - put you first.

  6. I'm sorry, S. Those always sting and bring out the unfairness of it all. My favorite is one of my coworkers who not only has 3 biological children (2 conceived and born while we have been trying), but he is now in Ethiopia as we speak picking up his daughter through international adoption...lapped beyond my wildest nightmares.

    I hope you are hanging in there as best you can. I've been thinking of you.

  7. I'm just catching up after being on vacation. I can't believe everything you have been dealing with - what a roller coaster!

    A lot of my friends are pregnant right now, and it's hard not to think about why they are pregnant when I'm not. I agree though - you have to try to put that part of it out of your mind, because it only makes things worse (at least for me).

    I still check Facebook, but with less frequency. It can start to drive me crazy!

    I hope you are feeling better - you have gone through a lot lately!


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