Thursday, September 30, 2010

What would you do?

I almost forgot to mention that my counselor asked if I would let her read my blog, as she felt it might help her gain additional insight into where I have been emotionally through this process.  I told her she could, but then I forgot to give her the url. . . . and now I'm wondering whether that would be a bad idea.

Your thoughts?  For those of you who have sought counseling related to your IF, would you want your counselor reading your blog?

Truth Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Wow, I can think of SO many people and things which could fit this category!

In the interest of brevity, I will say that I have learned that I can definitely live without caffeine.  I gave up caffeine entirely in April of this year, and while I occasionally miss the temporary and quick jolt of energy it provided, I find I am much more energetic overall without it and don't miss it much.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Brief update

Writing these daily posts for my 30 Days of Truth Challenge has meant not writing as much about the things that are happening in my life and the thoughts in my mind. So I thought I'd quickly post about those things.
  • I did resign from my current job on September 16, and my last day with the firm will be October 29.  (I told them I intended to give a minimum of 30 days notice but was willing to stay through the end of October if needed; I guess they took me at my word.)
  • I will start my new job on November 1.  I didn't see any need for a break in between, as MM cannot take any time off work at present, and I wouldn't want to spend the money a trip would cost.  Plus, by not having a break between jobs, I can bank the income from the two weeks' vacation I have from my current job and put it toward our fertility treatment.
  • I went to the office of my new firm yesterday, where I was permitted to pick my office from several which were available.  I'm happy with the office I picked: it has north-facing windows, which means the sun won't heat my office in either the morning or the afternoon, and it has a great view of two well-known area mountain peaks since it is on the 17th floor.  Also, it is right next door to the managing partner's office, which I think is good.
  • Counseling is going pretty well.  My second appointment was Sunday, and I cried quite a bit, though not nearly as much as the first appointment.  My assignment from this session has been to do kind, indulgent things for myself (I told the counselor that, having lived a mostly-selfish lifestyle for my entire adulthood, this wouldn't be too hard) and to post positive affirmations where I can see them regularly.  She feels I am holding on to a lot of guilt and self-blame which are unnecessary, unwarranted and unhealthy.
  • I realized today that, if we do a DE IVF cycle next June or July, as currently planned, and if it is successful, I will be entering my second trimester a year from now!  It's really weird to--once again--entertain the notion of actually someday being pregnant.

Truth Day 15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This one is easy: cheese.  I've found over the years, in my many, many attempts to lose weight, that I can give up sugar, white bread, chocolate, and a host of other foods indefinitely. . . . but I cannot give up cheese.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Truth Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

Hmm, another tough one!  At my age, I don't really have heroes and haven't for a long time.

I will say that I was disproportionately devastated and surprised last year when it hit the news that Tiger Woods had cheated on his beautiful wife with a bunch of skanks.  I thought he was one of the "good guys," and it was disappointing to find out that he is just a dirty dog, like many professional athletes.

I do think that the press and public have been a little hard on the guy--after all, he is only human--but do not in any way condone his behavior.

Monday, September 27, 2010

"How do you feel?"

My counselor posed this question to me yesterday at our session, just after I read the letter I had written to my hypothetical future biological child.  I am puzzling over why this is a hard question for me to answer.

I responded that I felt sad and drained. . . . and more, that I just want to stop focusing time, effort and energy on my inability to conceive.   I have felt the last part of this answer for quite a while.

I recognize that my life, as is, is far from empty.  Quite the contrary.  Aside from weighing more than I would like, I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that, apart from our continued childlessness (which may continue indefinitely), my life is not only good but excellent.

I am working in a field I enjoy and have just accepted a new position about which I am very excited.  When I contrast how I felt about my previous career in nursing at six years into practice with how I know feel about being a lawyer, there is simply no comparison.  In my old career, by the time I reached six years in that field, I knew that I had to do something else, for my own sanity.  (I had, in fact, already started the process of applying to law school.)  I dreaded going to work many days.  At some jobs, I literally had near-panic attacks on my days off at the mere thought of going back to work.

So not only do I finally have a career I like that suits me, I am also in a position to truly grasp and appreciate what that means for my daily life.  I can think of things I might "love" to do more, but law suits me, and the pay is more than sufficient to my needs.

I am happily married.  No, marriage has not been a bed of roses for MM and me, particularly since we have been dealing with IF from day one--we started TTC months before we married and had already had an initial visit with the RE prior to our wedding--but I do truly believe that our relationship has been strengthened by what we have been going through (and continue to go through).  We have had to talk more about our feelings, and our hopes and dreams for the future, because of IF.  Due to our personalities, there is a constant need for compromise, but we make it work.  Being with MM feels more natural to me than I have felt in any of my (many) prior relationships, and I know he feels the same.

In addition to having the big two pieces of my life--work and home life--going extremely well, I am fortunate to have living parents with whom I have good relationships; a sister who is a close friend; an adorable nephew; in-laws with whom there is mutual respect and affection; many wonderful friends; meaningful volunteer work; two wonderful golden retrievers; a paid-off car that still runs well; and relative financial comfort.  

In truth, it almost seems wrong to me that I spend so much of my time and mental energy focusing on the one area of my life in which things are not going my way.  (Heck, I am even losing weight at the moment, though I know that is something I have always struggled with and probably will my whole life.)  I am not without gratitude for the many good things my life, and I shudder to think how much harder IF would be for me were not the rest of my life just as I want it to be, but the constant struggle makes me feel decidedly unappreciative.

At this point, even more than the longing for a child of our own, I long to put all this behind me.  I am tired of our infertility sucking the joy out of my wonderful life.  I want to move on from all this, whatever the outcome.

Don't get me wrong. . . . . I would certainly prefer to move on with the outcome being parenthood for us at the end of the road.  But I do honestly feel that I am at a point where I just want to be done with "trying" to conceive. . . . because I know that if I am no longer "trying," I will no longer be failing.  Failing gives me a negative focus and brings me down.

So. . . . I don't know how to put a label on that feeling.  "Fed up"?  "Done"?  "Ready to move on"?

It's time for a new focus, and for me, it can hardly come soon enough.

Truth Day 13

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

In high school, I used to listen to country music whenever I was depressed, and topping the list of my favorite artists was George Strait.  I spent many an angst-filled evening listening to his music.

Present day, I can't think of any band or artist which fits this description.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Truth Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

There are many things about me that no one ever compliments, but I think this question contemplates something I consider "compliment worthy" on which I never get compliments.

I honestly can't think of anything about myself that is completely unappreciated by anyone else in my life. 

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Truth Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me I am smart, I'd be a rich woman.  I have been complimented on my intelligence more than anything else my whole life.

In terms of physical traits, it is probably a toss-up between my hair (naturally curly) and my smile.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Truth Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmm.  I can honestly say, I can't think of anyone who falls into either category.  Sure, like anyone else, there are some people in my life who I have disliked or who annoy me. . . . but I don't dwell on them, and I don't feel strongly enough about any of them to say I need to "let go" of them.

I do think, however, that I need to let go of the image I have had in my mind for years of what my biological child would be. . . . and this is on my mind more than usual because at my first counseling session, the counselor suggested I write a letter to this child and tell her (yes, she's a "her") how I feel about the fact that we will likely never meet.

Logically, I know that even if I had a child of my own, she might not be anything like my imaginings.  (For starters, there's at least a 50% chance she wouldn't even be a "she.")  But I still carry this image in my mind, and I think I need to let it go.

P.S. If I get really brave, maybe I will post the letter I wrote to her.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This should be my month. . . .

Look what arrived in my email today:

S, this is really going to surprise you but last night, while I was concentrating on your case during a session of free-association that I was doing to find out more about your future, something amazing happened.
It concerns the actualization of ONE OF YOUR MOST CHERISHED DREAMS, which should come true before your very eyes, possible within a month.
I’ll tell you all about it, but first it’s important for you to know that the free-association session I was involved in yesterday didn’t just happen by accident.
It was a sign from your destiny, to make you understand that what is about to happen to you is probably the greatest opportunity of your lifetime, and that you absolutely must take advantage of it. 

So there you have it!  There is no way this *can't* mean that I'm pregnant!  ;-)

Truth Day 9

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Having moved more times than I can readily count during my adulthood, there are a number of people who fall into this category for me.  Distance and time can put an end to relationships which seemed very close at the time.

I will say my cousin Pam.  We reconnected during my first adult trip to Ireland between my first and second years of law school, and I spent a wonderful week visiting her and her family during my last law school spring break.  Unfortunately, it has now been over two years since I have talked to her. . . . in fact, MM and I were not yet married the last time we spoke.

I don't have many connections with my father's family, nearly all of whom live in Ireland, and I have felt a particular closeness with Pam.  So even though she is in Ireland and I am in the U.S., I think of her often and wish we were in closer touch.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Truth Day 8

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I'll be candid and say that I do not easily tolerate being treated like shit and am pretty good about quickly ridding my life of people who make my life hell.  I realize that sometimes the people responsible are ones who are not easily cut out; I guess I am fortunate in that I haven't encountered any of those in my life.  So the people who have fallen into this category have, by and large, been ones who I was free to eliminate from my life.  Because of this, I will have to go back a while to find someone to write about here.

The most memorable person to fall into this category is someone I will call "Thayer."  He was the first guy I ever had strong romantic feelings for--beyond just a kid's crush--and we were involved in high school, though we were never boyfriend/girlfriend.  He was also the guy with whom I had my first sexual experience.  (Though I rarely think of him these days, he has been on my mind lately because he contacted me via Fac.ebo.ok.)

Thayer was, well, a player.  LOL.  He never dated me exclusively and, in fact, even "hooked up" with a couple of my friends over the two years or so that I was "in love" with him.  He dated (and had sex with) lots of other women besides and yet continued to string me along and tell me that he really loved me.

I finally got wise after a couple of years and stopped letting him take advantage of me. . . . but not until I had spent *way* too much of my time pining for, and chasing after, him.  What a waste.

In a way, though, I have to thank Thayer.  It was his ill treatment of me (along with that of a couple of subsequent boyfriends) which helped mold my "take no bullshit" approach to relationships.  Being involved with him, and other guys who were equally bad to me, opened my eyes to the fact that sometimes being alone is a preferable alternative to being in a (bad/unhealthy) relationship.  This knowledge allowed me to wait until I was older to marry someone with whom I am very compatible, so in a way, I am grateful for it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Truth Day 7

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Hmm, this is a tough one for me because, truth be told, since I was a teenager and going through the usual teenage angst, there has rarely been a time in my life when I felt life *wasn't* worth living.  Even when things have not been going my way, I've usually had faith that they would turn around. . . . and they usually have.

I will say my BFF KC, because she has been there for me during many times that were dark and filled with indecision.  I am very fortunate to have had her in my life as a close friend for the past 13 or so years.  ;-)

Truth Day 6

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to put either my father or mother (or either of my in-laws, for that matter) in a nursing home.  I understand that sometimes families cannot provide the care aging or infirm parents require, but I think nursing homes are so depressing, and I know my parents (my father in particular) would hate to live in one.

This decision is a very tough one to make, so I hope I never have to make it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Truth Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Need I make this explicit?  I hope to be a mother.

Most of the other things I'd hoped to do--graduate college, marry, own a home, have a career I enjoy, have lots of friends--I've already done.

I do hope to someday travel.  I would like to visit nearly every country in Europe (so far, I've only been to Ireland and London for a day-and-a-half), Tahiti, and parts of South America, among other places.

At the rate things are going, I will probably have to wait for retirement to do most of this traveling.  So I will also hope that I live long enough and remain healthy enough to do that.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Truth Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Hmm. I must say, I am pretty good about not holding grudges, although I will admit, though I may forgive, I do not forget. (For example, I bear no ill will toward my stepmother for disclosing my personal and private information on two separate prior occasions in my life, and we don't talk about it. . . but as a result, I simply do not confide in her or my father anymore.)

Given the subject matter of this blog, I guess I will just say generally that I need to forgive the people in my life who have said thoughtless or insensitive things about my infertility. That includes my mother and quite a few friends and acquaintances, though, happily, no close friends.

You know the kind of things I mean:

"G-d has a plan for you." (Really? How do you know? Maybe His plan doesn't include our having children.)
"Maybe you just need to relax and it'll happen." (Um, yeah, tried it, it didn't work.)
"Maybe you weren't meant to be a mother." (Wow, thanks! That never occurred to me.)
"Well, what can you expect at your age?" (This one really stings, since there seems to be some truth in it.)
"Why don't you adopt?" (Aside from other reasons, it's not as easy as picking out a puppy at a shelter.)
"I wish I could give you some of my fertility." (Yeah, me, too.)
"There are too many children born already." (Hmm. Maybe. Is it our personal duty to refrain from childbearing to prevent overpopulation?)
"Stick with dogs; they're easier." (I'm sure they are.)
"At least you're having fun trying." (Hmm, not really. Having sex on a schedule and taking fertility drugs isn't my idea of fun.)
"Maybe you're doing it wrong. Do you need some advice?" (Wow.)
"Have you thought of ___________?" Fill in the blank with daily temperature taking, using a fertility monitor, making sure you're having sex at the right times, etc. (Note to "helpful" speaker: my husband and I are both intelligent, educated people. Don't you think some of these things might have occurred to us before we spent thousands of dollars on invasive medical procedures?)

As you've probably gathered from this extensive list, I have a lot of people to forgive.  ;-)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Truth Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Wow, need I even answer this one on this blog? I need to forgive myself for being unable to have a baby. To forgive myself for waiting to TTC. For not being able to make my husband a father and my in-laws grandparents.

Yeah. I'm working on it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Truth Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Hmm, interestingly, this one is a little tougher than the last, though obviously there are *some* things I love about myself.

I love that I am a loyal and caring friend. I am very proud to say that I have many friends whom I talk with regularly, several of whom I have known for years and years.

They say that to have a friend, you must first be a friend. I have definitely found that to be true in my own life.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

30 Days of Truth Challenge

I found this on another non-IF blog I read regularly (password-protected or I would link) and decided that this is a 30-day challenge I could do. Each day I will write a post on the topic for that day.

Feel free to join me if you'd like, or leave your own answer in the comments.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


I will start today because the first day's question is an easy one for me: something I hate about myself.

For years and years, since my teens, I have hated being overweight. Except for about 6 months when I was 21, I have been anywhere from 15-85 pounds overweight since I was about 14 or 15. I have battled my weight constantly throughout my adulthood and continue to battle it.

So yeah, I hate that about myself even more than the fact that I am infertile.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I got the job

(If you know me in real life, please keep this news under wraps for the time being.  Thanks.)

I received a call this afternoon from the managing partner of the firm with which I interviewed last week and also back in July, and he made me an offer!  The salary is a little bit less than my demand, but with (potential) bonus has the possibility to be equal, or more than, my requested salary.

I had already considered the relative pros and cons, and MM and I had already discussed the possibility of my getting an offer there, so I went ahead and accepted.  My start date is uncertain, as it is in part dependent upon when I can wrap things up at my current job.  I haven't given notice yet--plan to do so today, or more likely tomorrow--so I will have to see what they want me to do.  I am thinking it will be at least 30 days notice.

I'm excited to take on a new challenge, relieved that I found another (good) job before getting laid off at my current firm, and happy that I will be making more money!  At the same time, I really like the people I work with at my current job and will miss many of them.  There is always that bittersweet feeling leaving any job, unless you really hated it.

So that's my news.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

One of those days

Just when I think I am doing well coping with my emotions about being unable to have a child of my own, I have a day like today.  I woke up feeling exhausted and a little headache-y, despite a full night's sleep, only to see on Fac.ebo.ok the announcement of another birth (the third in less than a week!) and another pregnancy.  And the new father and mother-to-be have birthdays today, so they are getting even more than the usual amount of comments on their announcements.  Ugh.

(Oh, and lest anyone once again think/say "You don't know what they went through to get pregnant," um, yeah, I do.  None of the three people who have had children this week had any problems conceiving them, and the woman who announced her pregnancy basically came out and said it was an "oops". . . .her daughter is only 6 months old, and her children will be only a year apart.)

Couple all this with the fact that I am working on a couple of annoying projects at work and still waiting anxiously to find out about the other job I'm hoping to get, and it's shaping up to be a craptastic day.  Man, do I wish I still drank coffee!!

I realized belatedly that I forgot to write about the "homework" my counselor suggested for me.  We talked a little bit about whether I had thought about and pictured what my future child would look like and be like.  I don't know about you, but um, yes, I have thought about this, many times, both before meeting my husband and since.

She suggested I get a doll or photo or something else that symbolizes the image I have in my mind of that child and then write a letter to her (yes, for me, it's a her), explaining how I feel about the fact that we will probably never meet.  She said that the purpose of this exercise is to help me to let go of this (theoretical, future) child so that I will be open to the child who is "supposed to" come to me/us.

I can see the usefulness of this exercise.  So far, I have only gotten as far as searching the internet to see if I could find a photo which matches my mental image, and I haven't yet.  I may work more on this project this weekend.

I must get back to work, as I am momentarily quite busy.  I will get through today by reminding myself that things always seem to get better eventually.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

First counseling session

I had my first session with the counselor today, as planned, and I liked her.  I will definitely be going back.

Interestingly, she has been a counselor for 20 years and has also had her own struggle with IF, which (luckily) ended happily with the birth of a child.  Since that time, counseling people dealing with infertility has been a special interest of hers, because when she was going through IF, she found a dearth of qualified professionals who could truly understand what she was going through.  (And by coincidence, she and her husband were treated by the same RE as us.)   She has also counseled at least five couples who have gone the DE IVF route.

Naturally, most of the session was taken up with my bringing her up to speed on me and on where we are with our infertility.  We talked a lot about my marriage, our "unexplained" diagnosis, our TTC history, and our contemplation of DE IVF, as well as a little bit about my personal and family background.

Embarrassingly, I started crying within the first ten minutes of the session and ended up crying off and on, about half the session total.  (My eyes are still puffy and scratchy, and I left with a mild headache from all the crying!)  At one point when I was crying, she asked what I was thinking, and I told her honestly that I felt embarrassed about falling apart in front of her.  I mean, even though she is a professional counselor, she is also a total stranger, and this meeting was our first.  Not surprisingly, she didn't think I had any need to feel embarrassed, but I did.  It is just so uncharacteristic for me to break down like that.

Afterward, on the way home, I hit one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants for my form of comfort food.  LOL.  I have been working diligently on eating better and losing weight, and making some progress, but much as I hate to admit it, fatty, carb-rich foods do make me feel better when I'm down, at least temporarily.

I suppose the fact that I cried so much, and so easily, in such an unaccustomed way, just goes to show how much I am holding back some strong emotions and how much I need to be getting help from an objective third-party to work through them.  I do genuinely feel that I am coping well most of the time, but today showed me how powerful my emotions really are and how strongly they can affect me when I let them rise above the surface.  It felt odd to open up about my feelings of hopelessness, sadness and loss, but good in a way, cathartic.

My primary goal is to work through my feelings of sadness and grief at the prospect of never having my own biological child so that I can work toward accepting other paths to parenthood.  (Currently, given my husband's feelings on the matter, that will mean DE for us.)  I feel that I cannot, in good conscience, go ahead with plans for anything until I have come to terms with this loss.  So I hope that I will be able to do this successfully.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Financial thoughts

Thinking about spending $30K+ on fertility treatment has made me think about the value of everything in my life on which I spend money.  Twice-a-month massages?  Sure, they help me manage my stress and cut down on my headaches, but they're not really necessary.  Things like pedicures and facials are nice and relaxing, but definitely something I can live without.  Does MM really need the HD expanded cable package with HBO and the Big Ten network?

I even find myself thinking about what our two golden retrievers cost us.  Two 80-lb dogs eat a lot!  Add in vet bills, medications, pet-sitting services when we are away, etc., and it adds up.  (We would never consider getting rid of our dogs to save money.)

I am slightly ashamed to admit that neither MM nor I is a saver by nature.  Prior to IF, we had a little bit of money put away--most of which we'd earmarked to replace my salary during a maternity leave--but we always thought there'd be plenty of time to save more someday.  Well, now someday is here, or at least fast-approaching, much sooner than we thought it would.

In brainstorming sessions with MM, we have discussed a lot of possible options to get more money.  Could we sell things we own and don't use on craigslist?  Neither of us owns a lot of unnecessary things, and certainly not any which would be worth a great deal of money.  Get a second job?  Given the demands of practicing law, that's probably not a viable option for me, if I could even find a second job in the current job market, and MM's employer places restrictions on his moonlighting. 

Home values in our area have continued to drop over the two years we've owned our home (we saw a house for sale in our neighborhood with our same floor plan for $100K less than we paid for ours two years ago), so refinancing and a home equity loan are both out of the question.  MM's parents have very generously offered to help us with the cost of fertility treatment, but they could only afford to give us $5K.  Neither of my parents have any money put away--truth be told, we'll be lucky if they are able to continue to be self-supporting for the rest of their lives--so there is no potential for financial help there.

The most obvious way for us to get more money is for one of us to get a better-paying job.  MM has been at his current job for over 12 years, loves it, and has no intention of doing anything else. . . . and even if he was willing to change jobs, his options would be very limited and would probably not pay much more than he currently makes.

So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get an offer from the other firm with which I interviewed Thursday.  A change would do me good, and we could really use the extra money I will make if they match my salary demand.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Money concerns

Ours may be over soon!  I received this email recently, and wow.  With $4.7 million, we should be able to pay for all the fertility treatments we want.  Heck, I might even be willing to give IVF with my own eggs a go. . . . $4.7 million would allow me to quit my job, too.

Head Office
Plot 84, Ajose Adeogun Street
Victoria Island
Lagos, Nigeria

Truth of the matter

This is to bring to your notice that a huge amount of money was deposited in this bank by the Governor Central Bank of Nigeria and His deputy in your name.The original amount was (US10.7M Dollars).Part of the money has been withdrawn last month by CBN GOVERNORleaving the balance of US4.700,000.00 Dollars (Four Million Seven Hundred Thousand United States dollars) behind.

Last week two staff of central bank of Nigeria came again to withdraw the balance of 4.700,000.00 Dollars but our bank refused.This bank, after much deliberation decided to source for the beneficiary of this funds whose name the money was deposited for claims.
Consequently,you are advised to indicate as a matter of urgency your interest to claim this fund by sending to us with immediate effect your Your Direct Telephone and fax Numbers and Scanned copy of your international passport or drivers license for proper identification.
The money will be paid to you by either wire transfer to your account,ATM card or Diplomatic means of payment. You are also advised as a matter of urgency to get back to me immediately for the release of this funds.

Note: Be informed that our charges for a wire transfer is $245 Dollars For a certified copy of an affidavit which will be attached to your payment file to avoid any hitch due to the fact that the funds has been tampered while our ATM card Delivery is 430 Dollars and the Diplomatic payment will cost 650 Dollars for a clearance certificate. the choice is yours.

The fees would have been deducted from your funds here in the bank , but for the fact that the account was tampered the management put the account on hold so that no one will have access to take out any money out of it unless the beneficiary come in person for security reasons,

Waiting for your urgent reply,
Dr.Godwin Emefiele
Foreign operations Manage
Zenith Bank Plc


Whew!  What a relief!  :-)

In all seriousness, though, I had a job interview today with the same firm that interviewed me a couple of months ago, and I'm feeling very positive about it.  I need a change.  And if they meet my salary demand, I would be getting a significant raise, which would go a long way toward paying for fertility treatment.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Over the years, I have had several health care providers comment on the "textbook" length of my cycles.  Aside from a couple of years in my mid-20s when I was working overnight shifts, and had irregular periods my cycles have always averaged 27-28 days in length, ever since I started having periods at age 11.  Everything else about my periods, including the amount of flow, number of days of bleeding & spotting, and mild cramps, were also what would be expected and just about average.

The textbook pattern of my cycles gave me the false impression that, though the years were passing, my fertility was unaffected.  I (wrongly) figured that because my period reliably came on time month after month that when it was the right time for me to TTC, I would become pregnant readily.  (I had the same incorrect thoughts about my "normal" LH, FSH, and E2 values and antral follicle count.)

Even though I now know that my textbook cycles only created an illusion of fertility, I was still glad to see their return this month.  AF arrived on Monday, making my most recent cycle 27 days long.  Because my last two cycles were 25 and 22 days long, I had begun to fear that I was starting menopause.  Now I am reassured that all is well.

It may be a false reassurance, and I do have to wonder how useful regular cycles are when they never result in a lasting BFP, but for now, I'll take it.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday

(Originally this post had photos. In the interest of not having photos of myself on display indefinitely, I have removed them as of 5/29/2012.)
First known photo of MM and I together, taken in the conservatory of the Bellagio in Las Vegas, December 2007.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Friday Fill-ins

1. You do your thing; I do mine, and sometimes we do things together.

2. Seeing my nephew this evening is what's been on my mind on and off all day.

3. Remember when you thought you'd get pregnant at the drop of a hat?  And be too big to fit into the dress you bought for your beach wedding?  HAHAHA

4. Reading, traveling and keeping in touch with friends are three of my favorite obsessions.

5. During the last year I have waited and waited in vain for another BFP.  Alas, still not pregnant.

6. Seeing my golden boys at the end of each day puts a smile on my face.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to picking my sister and nephew up at the airport!  Tomorrow my plans include swimming with my nephew and dinner with family and BFF, and Sunday, I am going to get a pedicure with my sister.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Random spam, third installment

(All spam comments left in Chinese characters and translated with the help of babelfish.  This installment may be the last; blogger seems to be doing a better job of catching these.)

Let the mood aftertaste fermentation; The bad mood keeps in the writing to dissipate along with the time!

Everywhere with all one's heart, is the happy event; Takes a step steadfastly, is the level road.

To have the item of fool law is it possible that in the law: “in an organization's fool, is bigger than permanently is equal to 2/3.”  (Left on my other blog, on a post about weight loss.  Huh?)

You cannot transfigure ~~ but you be possible to unfold the smiling face.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

In a mood

(Ranting ahead.  You've been warned.)

I'm not sure what brought this on, but for some reason, I am in a really angry mood today about being infertile.  I just want to pimp-slap every fertile I know. . . . like the high school classmate who has four children with her much-older husband and told me "____ just has to drop his pants on the bed and I'm pregnant."  She is 40, and her youngest is a year old.

Or the former classmate who had a baby a little over three years (when she was unmarried and he was adopted by a couple) who recently announced that she was pregnant and due almost exactly nine months after her recent wedding date.  My, aren't you the fertile one!  Pregnant on the honeymoon.

Or the perfectly nice law school classmate of mine who felt the need to inform us all (via Fac.ebo.ok) of the results of her 20-week ultrasound today with her second.  Her daughter is 15 months old, and her son is due in January.  How wonderful for you, one of each!  Now your family is complete.  (Side note: for those of you who may be thinking "You don't know what she went through to achieve her pregnancy, yeah, I do.  For #1, she used a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it took "a long time," i.e., several months.  #2 "just happened" but was a "welcome surprise.")

Honestly, I know intellectually that none of this is directed at me.  I know that these women cannot help being fertile, and in fact, I have no reason to believe that they are (or will be) anything but terrific, loving, caring mothers.  I mean, if I'm going to be outraged, wouldn't it make more sense to be angry at people who beat or neglect their children?  Or who carelessly fail to supervise them so that they drown in a backyard pool?  Both these scenarios are frequently on the news where I live.

Abusive or neglectful parents *do* outrage me, but on a totally different level.  I am angry at these other women because I can relate to them and because THEY HAVE WHAT I DON'T, what I may never have.   (I can't relate to the abusive or neglectful parents.) Even if I am ultimately successful in conceiving a child, carrying to term, and delivering a healthy baby, I will still never know what these women have. . . . because getting to that point will have been so long and hard for me.  Even if we become parents via DE IVF, I will never have the feeling that comes from just getting pregnant from having sex with my husband. 

Actually, to be more precise, I am not really angry at these women, or at pregnant or fertile women in general.  I am envious of them and am angry at The Universe, G-D, Fate, or whatever entity has decided that I cannot be part of their club.

EDITED TO ADD:   I categorically reject the notion that there is some "meaning" in my/our going through this.  Having married at age 37, I would have been more-than-usually appreciative of the opportunity to finally be a mother even if it had come easily.  While I don't doubt that I have learned some lessons from IF--because any intelligent, introspective person learns things from adversity--I in no way think this experience has been "necessary" to my growth as a human being.  It's so entirely unfair.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday

(Originally this post had photos. In the interest of not having photos of my sons and myself on display indefinitely, I have removed them as of 5/29/2012.)
Me, age one.  I still have the outfit and shoes.  Wonder if I will ever have a little girl to wear them?