Wednesday, September 1, 2010

In a mood

(Ranting ahead.  You've been warned.)

I'm not sure what brought this on, but for some reason, I am in a really angry mood today about being infertile.  I just want to pimp-slap every fertile I know. . . . like the high school classmate who has four children with her much-older husband and told me "____ just has to drop his pants on the bed and I'm pregnant."  She is 40, and her youngest is a year old.

Or the former classmate who had a baby a little over three years (when she was unmarried and he was adopted by a couple) who recently announced that she was pregnant and due almost exactly nine months after her recent wedding date.  My, aren't you the fertile one!  Pregnant on the honeymoon.

Or the perfectly nice law school classmate of mine who felt the need to inform us all (via Fac.ebo.ok) of the results of her 20-week ultrasound today with her second.  Her daughter is 15 months old, and her son is due in January.  How wonderful for you, one of each!  Now your family is complete.  (Side note: for those of you who may be thinking "You don't know what she went through to achieve her pregnancy, yeah, I do.  For #1, she used a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it took "a long time," i.e., several months.  #2 "just happened" but was a "welcome surprise.")

Honestly, I know intellectually that none of this is directed at me.  I know that these women cannot help being fertile, and in fact, I have no reason to believe that they are (or will be) anything but terrific, loving, caring mothers.  I mean, if I'm going to be outraged, wouldn't it make more sense to be angry at people who beat or neglect their children?  Or who carelessly fail to supervise them so that they drown in a backyard pool?  Both these scenarios are frequently on the news where I live.

Abusive or neglectful parents *do* outrage me, but on a totally different level.  I am angry at these other women because I can relate to them and because THEY HAVE WHAT I DON'T, what I may never have.   (I can't relate to the abusive or neglectful parents.) Even if I am ultimately successful in conceiving a child, carrying to term, and delivering a healthy baby, I will still never know what these women have. . . . because getting to that point will have been so long and hard for me.  Even if we become parents via DE IVF, I will never have the feeling that comes from just getting pregnant from having sex with my husband. 

Actually, to be more precise, I am not really angry at these women, or at pregnant or fertile women in general.  I am envious of them and am angry at The Universe, G-D, Fate, or whatever entity has decided that I cannot be part of their club.

EDITED TO ADD:   I categorically reject the notion that there is some "meaning" in my/our going through this.  Having married at age 37, I would have been more-than-usually appreciative of the opportunity to finally be a mother even if it had come easily.  While I don't doubt that I have learned some lessons from IF--because any intelligent, introspective person learns things from adversity--I in no way think this experience has been "necessary" to my growth as a human being.  It's so entirely unfair.

8 comments:

  1. lolol you said 'bitch-slap' i just love it
    i know how you feel. last year my BFF's niece got pregnant and she asked my BFF if DH and I would like to adopt the baby. We were soooo excited! It turned out the baby had a recessive genetic disorder inherited from both parents and wouldn't survive to birth, so she had to abort. It was sad for all of us.
    She just announced she's 'accidentally' pregnant again. This time, they've decided to keep the baby. I hope this time is the right time for them and the same genetic disorder doesn't affect this baby. But I wish I could've "just gotten pregnant accidentally." I still wish I could've adopted her baby, even now when I'm preg. I think it still just doesn't seem real.

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  2. I love what you added at the end. I can't figure out what it is I'm supposed to "learn" from this. Or why I have to learn anything at all when other people (fertiles) don't seem to need these same lessons?? I've been through lots of adversity in my life and I could have done without this one. It's also refreshing to see someone else mad. Other people write flowery, pretty things, but I never believe them, as I'm usually seething inside.

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  3. I hear you. And I love your last comment as well. I was once told that "God wouldn't have given you all this if you weren't strong enough to cope with it". I can't even count the number of levels at which that outraged me.

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  4. I also reject the notion that we need to go throug situations for a reason, be it learning, gods will or whatever other inumerable reasons people can cite. Sometimes, most times, it just seems so damn unfair. I realize with this comment some religious person may view may as a deserving heathen. I trust my comment is safe with you:)
    sorry you are having one of those days, S. You are not alone.

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  5. I only think that people say stuff like 'This is happening for a reason" when they don't know what to say, but want to say something uplifting. There is probably absolutely no REASON for this to happen to you -- now, you could say that perhaps it happened so that you'd adopt, thus take a child out of a bad / less than ideal situation... but other than that, I don't really see it as a "message" from the other side.

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  6. Oh law, I think you know just how to touch my nerves.

    Don't ask, but Rocco and I went to try a new church again this weekend. It always ends the same - I am pissed off and he is begging me not to tell all the people why they suck so much.

    I love your blog.

    Life is rough in places. Yeah, I wish I had Rocco at the age of 25. But I was a jack ass at 25.

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  7. it sucks. :(
    i don't know what else to say, but i hear you. i really do. :(

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  8. I so understand where you're coming from with this post. Completely agree that there's no lesson to be learned or necessity to grow as a person from this. It just sucks balls. I have been told that "it's a good thing that x got pg so quickly, she couldn't handle things if it had taken longer, you're so much stronger - you can handle this". ARGH! I wish I had the naiveté of thinking simply having sex could get me pregnant.

    A girl can dream.

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