Saturday morning

I am standing in line behind 10-15 other people at a laboratory at a time when I would usually be in bed on a Saturday: before 8:30 a.m. I'm here to have blood drawn for my second beta hCG.

I was tempted to skip this blood test altogether because I took another HPT this morning that showed only the faintest hint of a second line. (I doubt it would even show up in a photo.) So I feel pretty sure that today's number is going to be lower than Thursdays.

Now that it's looking pretty clear that this pregnancy is not a viable one, I've been thinking more about the expense and inconvenience of this whole surreal episode. The $350 we spent on drugs for this cycle that apparently weren't needed but are now used up. The inevitable delay this will cause in starting the next cycle.

For a couple of days, there was some hope that this TTC ordeal was coming to an end. Now I'm back to worrying about never being successful, the expense, and all the rest.

I know some others have it much worse than we do. This pregnancy has basically ended before (for us, at least) it had really begun. Even from the first positive HPT, the circumstances were so odd that neither MM nor I was ever fully convinced that I really was pregnant. It's easier to have a loss like this now, before hopes are fully raised, before we've seen a little blob or heartbeat on an u/s, than it would be weeks or months from now.

Still, this stinks.