Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Random musings

In the usual wait, wait, wait mode, there is not much to do related to TTC. I think about it occasionally, but find that I think about it less than when I am actively doing something about it.

I did have a thought last night as I was driving from work to the gym. Depending upon when my period finally arrives, we may be screwed for doing treatment next cycle. We leave for an 8-day trip to Washington, DC on 9/19. If my CD 1 falls any time from 9/1 until we leave, I would be out of town during the times in my cycle when I would either have monitoring appointments or the IUI itself. (If AF arrives any time from today until 8/31 or so, it shouldn't conflict with our trip. . . though I'd potentially have to be traveling during the 2WW.)

I briefly (and bitterly) thought to myself that if I were in a financial position to do so, I could quit my job and cancel any and all travel plans for the next six months and simply focus on getting five more IUI cycles done. This would not be the first time that my daily life, work or otherwise, has "gotten in the way" of TTC.

But honestly, even if we were to win Wednesday's Power Ball jackpot ($243 million, for those interested), I am accustomed to being busy and to having my mind occupied the majority of the day. If I weren't working or making future plans, I'd have nothing to focus on but my infertility. I don't think that putting my life on hold to pursue fertility treatments would be very psychologically healthy for me. And even if I could quit work, I wouldn't want to cancel this trip: we are visiting my sister and 2-year-old nephew, who will be baptized (with me as his godmother) during our visit.

Another thought: of the 16 cycles we have spent TTC, I find it more than a little ironic that the one cycle where I finally saw a BFP--however brief and ephemeral the pregnancy--was a cycle where not only were we not using any drugs or IUI, we were doing NOTHING to increase the odds of pregnancy. Nothing. No BBT charting, no OPKs, no making sure we had sex at the right times. And I certainly wasn't relaxed: starting with the dogs' first fight on July 3 (the one where my arm was injured in the melee), the month was fraught with dog-related drama, including more fights and a Ri.madyl overdose resulting in nearly $5000 of vet bills; I had pain and multiple doctors' appointments related to my injury from the bite; work was stressful for both MM and me; and we did hardly anything fun or restful due to all the other stuff we had going on.

In addition to my higher-than-usual stress level, I also was eating like crap, exercising less, and not even taking my prenatal vitamins, fish oil, etc. My expectation of actually getting pregnant in July and the stress of everything we had going on put thoughts of healthy living well out of my mind.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this. A small part of me thinks "what is the point in pursuing more treatment when the only time we've ever managed to conceive, we did it on our own?" Another part of me thinks that surely our odds must be increased, however slightly, by using IUI and meds, especially injectables. That part says that the chances of our achieving a viable pregnancy on our own--even within another 16 months--are not high enough to justify foregoing treatment.

See how it is when I get to thinking?


  1. It is such a vicious cycle isn't it ? You just have to find your happy medium. I wish it was that easy.

  2. Those kinds of thoughts can really get the best of us sometimes. I wish I had an answer or something useful to say... I'll just have to offer up hugs instead. (-;

  3. I have so been there... not sure if you read the post about when my treatments finally worked (and stuck) but it was after our break month when we went on vacation with my entire family. Not stressful but also not a lot of sleep, I ate worse than I ever do, didn't take any vitamins and exercised more than I should have (I was told not to during treatments) due to my issues. When we got home I went in for my first follicle scan and one was already almost mature. I only had to take like 2 shots (usually it's closer to like 12). I only had that one but that was all it took - crazy. I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It's just plain miserable at at times. I do hope that you get to take your trip though and it could be a good thing if it was during the 2ww so you're mind would be kept occupied with other things. Hang in there.

  4. Hang in there! And if you win the powerball, take me on your trips with you! :)

    I think all of us who spend a bit of time in the IF world begin to wonder when to stop trying. It's such a hard question, and the answer is different for everyone.

  5. Timing things is always SUCH a pain. You just have to have your priorities, but also be willing to be flexible if your priorities change.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.