Thursday, June 30, 2011

Question for the moms & pregnant ladies

I am wondering whether anyone else has been in a similar situation to mine and how they handled it.

As you know, we recently found out I am pregnant.  I am only 5 weeks along, and though we have had two good, rising betas, pregnancy won't be confirmed via ultrasound until July 11.  We all know that, even when the pregnancy is a result of using eggs from a young donor, many things can still go wrong at this stage.

My dilemma is my husband.  I love him, and he is a great guy.  He is doing something that is starting to drive me nuts, though.

He quizzes me multiple times a day about whether I am having "symptoms," whether I am drinking my water (I regularly drank 2-3 liters a day before I was pregnant and continue to do so), what I'm eating, and whether I am overexerting myself.  While I think it's sweet that he is concerned about my well-being, I think he is getting a little ridiculous.

I am a mature, 40-year-old woman who generally takes pretty good care of herself.  I don't usually eat a lot of processed foods, even when not pregnant, and I am not an exercise fanatic who regularly pushes herself and works out for long periods.  In short, I don't think his monitoring of my behavior is necessary. 

I am as aware as MM of the potential effects of my actions on our embryos, and I want just as much for this pregnancy to progress and bring us a healthy baby at the end.  I understand that his behavior stems from his anxiety and feelings of lack of control, but I am getting a bit tired of being grilled and being reminded five times a day that I have "precious cargo on board."

Any suggestions on how to handle this from those who've been there, done that?


  1. Oh yeah, I have a worry-wart husband too :-) I know this may sound simplistic, but have you tried telling him exactly what you said here? "I know you're concerned and I really appreciate that you are so attentive, but you're making me feel crazy/anxious asking me so many times a day....etc etc" And, if that doesn't really change his behavior right now, I suspect he can't keep this up for 9 months! So, at some point it will end just because he's going to wear himself out. There are long stretches of pregnancy that are really boring, so there won't be much to ask about (although I do make sure and feed my husband the occasional symptom complaint now and then and 'she's kicking now' alert just to keep him satisfied.)

  2. I would definitely have a talk with him. Those early weeks of pregnancy (and the whole thing really) are difficult because so much COULD happen that is out of your control. For me, I knew there wasn't much I could do to prevent these things from happening so I just did my best to enjoy every second I was given with my baby and for us we were lucky in that it all went well, even if we did have to deal with a few weeks preemie and a week in the NICU, we still got to bring our baby home!

    The biggest concern I would have with how he is acting is that if something bad were to happen (which we are ALL hoping everything is perfect!) is that with the way he is acting now, that it would somehow be your fault it happened because you weren't being cautious enough. Which just isn't true.

    I just think you need to explain to him that at this point, if something were to go wrong you can't really prevent it and that you are being cautious and being a good mommy to that little baby(ies) so he just needs to chill. After all, my doctor told me the best thing I could do in those early weeks was just relax.

  3. I have been in your shoes (and still am). All I know is what will be will be. When we did our DE IVF in May (but m/c at 6.5 weeks), I did everything right. I drank craploads of water, didn't do any exercising or lifting, basically was a healthy fed, well hydrated couch potato. Disaster hit. This time (surprise BFP) I did nothing different because I didn't know. I drank wine, caffeine, ate chocolate, ran up and down the stairs a million times... You get the idea.

    My DH is so similar to MM in the sense that this is the first time he is able to express how excited he is. My DH couldn't believe that anything could go wrong in a DE cycle and he was shaken to the core when it did (I am NOT saying something will happen to you). But me, having been one to take the shots, go through cycle after cycle was much more reserved. I actually didn't want to think about the pg for a very long time. What worked best for me, was explaining to DH calmly (something that is hard for me to do) where exactly I was coming from. When he was able to see my quiet excitement, but enormous fear, he backed off. Especially when he realized that the pg was most wanted and I would not do anything that I thought would negatively affect the outcome.

    It's not an easy situation, but you will get through this. I also relied on my IF counsellor a lot (and still do).

  4. His trying to be protective is cute but I can understand why it quickly would be annoying.

    Perhaps one of these times, in your own way, ask him why he keeps asking, or if he's scared, or why he's so concerned.


  5. Sounds like he's just excited and wanting to know all about it. Husbands feel left out because they aren't the ones carrying the baby. It may be annoying to you right now, but I think it's cute that he cares so much. Hopefully as the pregnancy progresses he will relax a bit.

  6. Hmm.. maybe something like, "Baby, they're in MY body. I got it. I appreciate your concern, and understand that you feel out of control, but ... I got this."

    And if he doesn't stop, a good ol' "Shut the f*** up" can go a long way. HAH!!! ;)

  7. My husband did the same thing. We'd been trying for 2 years and on top of that his ex-wife had had issues and both his older kids were born extremely premature (one at 24 weeks).

    Finally, I just sat him down and told him (as calmly as I could) how much I appreciated his concern but he had to back off a little and this was (OBVIOUSLY) as important to him as it is to me and that he had to trust me to do the right thing without his nagging.

    I am now over 33 weeks and he's calmed down a lot and now mostly spoils me when it's hard to get around and lift stuff, etc. Which, honestly, at this point I LOVE. :D

    Good luck!! :)

  8. I have NO IDEA... but I'm curious as to the input you get from others. That would drive me nuts too (after a short while of thinking it's sweet)!!!

  9. All of the above. You gotta say something or you'll just explode one day.

  10. I can't really relate to this one - my husband was the total opposite, almost too petrified to mention "it" aloud...

    I would most certainly address it though - very gently. =)

  11. I think that like anything else, you just have to be honest and tell him that it is bothering you.

  12. Just be open and tell him how you are feeling and also remember to be kind to yourself even if you don't do all of the right things. I was going to a Naturopath for acupuncture for at least a year. I formed a friendship with her and right before my successful cycle she became pregnant. She was a health nut, never ate processed foods etc. Well, when she became pg (after IF too!) she couldn't eat a lot of foods, nothing would stay down. Except McDonald cheeseburgers and fries and other greasy processed foods. She ate them without guilt because she needed calories and since that was all she could eat, that's what she did. So, while by all means you should be cognizant of what you eat etc, if fries are the only thing that you crave and can keep down, then fries it is!

  13. Good suggestions above. Also, perhaps you can bring it up in a subtle/tactful way at your doc appt- "we know we shouldn't worry about these things,(give examples). right?" Because your doc will certainly be on the same page as you and it might be good for DH for the facts to be reinforced by the expert.

  14. On another note- I'm just so glad that you are pregnant! :)


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