Monday, August 30, 2010

Online shopping/dating

One of the clinics I am seriously considering for DE IVF has allowed me access to their donor database even though we are technically not yet official patients of the clinic.  I love the set-up of their site, and they provide a lot of detailed information about the donors. . . . including their psych evals and other personal information.

But I can't help but feel like I am shopping for a mother for our child.  Or browsing profiles on an online dating site.  It's an odd feeling.

(It's weird, too, how a number of the donors on the site were born after I graduated from high school.  Wow, nothing like THAT to make me feel especially old!)

I know that, should we go through with DE IVF (and it's looking more and more like we will), I will feel that the child is totally mine, regardless of the lack of my genetic material.  At this stage, though, while thinking about eventually choosing a donor, it's a little surreal.

I have kept both my parents out of the loop for a while in regard to our TTC efforts.  I talked in detail here about why my father is on limited information status (to put it in a nutshell: his wife has a big mouth), and my mother tends to be fairly self-involved in general and had said some hurtful things to me in the past.  (To be fair to my mom, I don't think she meant to hurt my feelings; she just really cannot relate to my being infertile, since she always had the opposite problem during her own reproductive years.)

This past Saturday, I decided I would tell my mom that we are seriously considering DE IVF, and the news was very well receivedShe said she thinks it is great that the technology exists for us to pursue this option and that she thinks we are smart to do it, even though it is very expensive.  I swore her to secrecy, and unlike my stepmother, I know that she can keep a secret.  (She has told some extended family about our IF, which I am OK with. . . . I just don't want her telling anyone about the DE possibility until we've decided how we want to handle that.)

My first appointment with the counselor is on 9/12, and I am eager to get started on the emotional work necessary for me to feel 100% OK with pursuing DE.  MM and I also had a long talk about my decision to go to a counselor and why I made it, and in the course of that discussion, he came to some interesting realizations.  I may write more about that in a future post, but suffice it to say, DE IVF remains his preferred next step for us.


  1. That's awesome that the clinic allowed you to look at their profiles. It is very unnerving to review them at first. I would look at some months before we actually settled on a clinic and I would be sent into a ragin' grief-filled tail spin afterwards. But once you find her...I can't tell you how amazing it feels. But you and MM are making all the right steps to make sure this is for you. Counselling with a counsellor who knows the psychology of DE is vital. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

  2. I think it would be weird if you DIDN'T have an odd feeling while looking at the potential donors. But as you said, you will feel like the child is yours regardless of the genetic material. It will grow in your womb and will not know anyone else as a mother. And I hope that any lingering doubts will get sorted out with the counselor and you and MM will be able to fully embrace your decision. I am so excited for you!!!

  3. I'm glad that they gave you access to their database, but it has to be a strange feeling. I would feel just as awkward. But it's NICE that you get to choose those things! I'd want to most information possible before making that decision. Good luck with your upcoming appointment. I'm very excited for you!

  4. Glad your mom was more supportive this time. Dealing with family as an infertile can be tough. Good luck with the counselor!

  5. I'm so glad your mom was so supportive and that things with MM are going well. DE will be the way that I have a family and it did take some time for me and dh to wrap our heads around it. I do feel so lucky and thankful that the technology exists and that I am able to access it.

    When we first started "shopping" for our donor I related it to registering for wedding gifts (see my first blog post). It can be really overwhelming at first, but what helped was a clear list of must haves.

    Good luck as you move forward in the process. If you have any questions, I'm here.

  6. I'm glad you have someone in real life besides MM to confide in. And, I'm glad your Mom was so receptive to and supportive of the idea.

    It is weird looking at those donor pictures; it helps to have a list of traits/qualities you're looking for before looking at the pictures.

  7. I agree! We browsed the database at one clinic and found the whole experience to be very surreal. And I found that I was much pickier and more judgmental than I expected I would be. I think it helped me to browse before we make a final decision.

  8. You've probably already thought of this, but hubby and I were thinking about embryo adoption instead of DE IVF. I liked the idea of carrying my husband's genes, even if I wasn't in the mix. But he liked the idea that although theoretically (hopefully) I would get pregnant and carry the baby, genetically it wouldn't be related to either of us. Just a thought, thought I'd throw it out there.

  9. Stacey, thanks! One of my fellow IFers is pursuing embryo adoption, and my husband and I have discussed it a little bit. He is not much more keen on that idea than he would be on adopting in general.

  10. i figured y'all had already thought of it!


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