Thursday, August 26, 2010


This week has been a quiet one for me so far in terms of TTC/IF-related angst.  Only a couple of discoveries of pregnancies of acquaintances on FB*, neither of which caused more than a momentary twinge of envy.  No new in-person pregnant woman sightings--surprising.  I am on CD 17 today, so far too early in the 2WW (assuming I even ovulated this cycle) to expect any symptoms of pregnancy. . . . and therefore no reason to obsessively analyze my body's every little sensation.

Despite the fact that my thoughts and emotions are currently in less turmoil than usual, I know I am far from OK with where I am and far from resolved about where to go from here.  In light of this truth, I have finally taken the initiative to do something I've been thinking about and talking about for a long time: I made an appointment with a counselor who regularly treats clients with infertility.  (I found her name/number on Resolve's website, and when we spoke on the phone, she told me that she has made infertility a "special interest" of hers due to her own struggles.)

On the one hand, I kind-of hate to spend the money on counseling when I feel I am generally coping quite adequately with this situation.  The only real "symptom" I have of any type of difficulty is that I am having difficulty concentrating and focusing at work. . . . but honestly, I cannot be sure that this is wholly due to my IF and the uncertainty that has come with it.  I have had this problem from time to time over the years, especially when I'm not feeling challenged at work.

On the other hand, I do think it will be helpful to get an objective outsider's perspective, especially one who is a trained professional used to dealing with people dealing with this particular problem. . . . and I don't anticipate needing to see her indefinitely.  I may ask MM to go to a session or two with me also, if she thinks it would help, and I believe he would be receptive to that.

Despite the fact that we have started planning and saving for a possible DE IVF in a year or so, I know that MM still holds out hope that we are, somehow, someway, going to get pregnant and have a baby of our own without intervention.  Although I know miracles happen--and I personally know more than one person who'd been given worse odds of success than ours and still managed to get pregnant and carry to term--I don't think that's a very realistic viewpoint.  I don't want to take away his hope, though, so I just don't discuss it much with him anymore.

Oh, one other thing I thought interesting and wanted to share.  I have written here numerous times about the fact that MM is opposed to adopting and explained his reasons in detail here.  A friend raised what I thought was a valid question, which I put to MM: "What if, G-d forbid, something happened to my sister and brother-in-law simultaneously and we had to raise my nephew?  Wouldn't you be able to love him like your own child?"

His response was that he would be OK with that even though he is not related to my nephew "because at least he is related to you."  Hmm.  I must say, the fact that he said that he could love/raise my nephew as his own child (in the unlikely event that both his parents died) made me question whether MM really, truly could not love a child who was not blood-related to him as his own, as he says.  I let it be, though.

Also, MM recently mentioned to his mother that he did not want to adopt and that he did not feel he could love an unrelated child.  He concluded by saying "I guess that makes me a horrible person."  His mom responded "Yeah, it kinda does!"  Whoa!

So that's where I am these days.
*I must say, the lawyers I know seem to be among the most fertile people in my world!


  1. I love your MIL response, perhaps she would like to talk to my husbant too (who will not consider adoption or egg donor!!!).
    You may or may not know this but I am a therapist in my real life. I do not treat IF at this point as I am stuck here myself, but really want to some day when this is a distant memory. I think therapy is an amazingly powerful thing and I hope you have a good experience. Feel to reach out to me if you have any questions about it all.
    Good luck with everything!!!

  2. I was trolling the pages for a therapist today as well! Sad connection, really, but it makes me laugh.

    Sometimes I am afraid I already focus on it too much with a blog. You ever worry you just stir it all up here?

    Just what I need. ANOTHER dr appt.

  3. Let me just tell you that I went to a therapist specializing in infertility earlier this year and it was amazingly helpful. I was at the lowest spot in my IF journey and she helped me cope with my situation and make a plan. I am so glad I went.

    Hope it works for you too. I like your MIL's comment, FWIW. Best wishes!

  4. I found it very helpful to go to a therapist who specialized in infertility. She really helped me see a new perspective on the whole thing.

  5. I think talking to someone with a specialty in infertility is a really wise thing to do. It helped me immensely when I was having my panic attacks that were stress-related. I only went a few times, but those few times can really help. I hope that your time with this women will help bring things into focus.

    I understand MM's reluctance to adopt; even though we went through deivf neither my husband nor I really liked the idea of adopting. But, when faced with the end of the fertility treatments, it's amazing what your heart will open up to.

  6. My husband and I recently decided to go the DE route after years of mc, multi-ivf, etc. He too was against adoption and almost responded word-for-word as your husband has. I too asked the question about raising my nephews, if, God forbid, something happen to my sister and bil. Again, his response was very similar to your husband's and he also asked "does that make me a horrible person?". I told him that he was not horrible, just honest, and that, at this stage of the game, our raw honesty with one another was vital for us to move forward together.

    However, after talking some more, he decided that it wasn't that he would not love an unrelated child, but he feared the unknown: what if he did not love a child that wasn't biologically his, or what if he felt nothing? From what I have read and in talking with other friends, this doesn't seem to be an atypical male response.

    Good luck with your journey and please keep writing.

  7. That's hard. My psychologist is wonderful and helped me tremendously. She adopted a child as she had one IVF and decided that was enough for her.

    But the question is, not whether he can be okay with it, but can you? I am sorry to be blunt, but you also need to look at it for yourself. I tried every possible way and so far no luck.

    Your husband needs to realize how this will affect you. How can my wife deal with the fact that we may never have kids? How can I help her to make us happy?

    You have to be okay too. Maybe he can get over his fear. Maybe you can stress how much this means to you and this is your fear together.



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