Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An open letter

Dear friend/classmate/former co-worker,

I am truly thrilled to hear that you are pregnant.  Really.  I have no doubt you will cherish your child and make an excellent parent, and goodness knows, the world needs more good parents.

At the same time, I do not wish to hear about the growth of your fetus, your pregnancy symptoms, your delivery, or how you are adjusting to new-mommyhood.  And as your child grows, unless I am related to him/her by blood or by marriage, I won't really care how tall he is, how much he weighs, and whether he is using the potty.

You see, I have been unable to achieve (in nearly two-and-a-half years of trying) what you have achieved.  So hearing about how much you are enjoying what I don't/can't have is painful.

I am glad you haven't had to walk in my shoes and experience the pain of infertility firsthand.  I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.  (OK, I admit, I probably *would* wish it on her. . . . but unfortunately for me, she already has a baby conceived at a convenient, planned time without medical intervention.)

But I ask you, please don't pity me. . . . just spare me the details.



  1. Sorry. :( I know how irritating that can be even when you're not dealing with TTC/IF. (and of course the snarky beotch in my wants to know who your worst enemy is. lol). Love you!

  2. I've been here, oh too many times... I just wrote a post about this recently. I don't want to be included all the time, but I also don't want to feel like you have to hide these things from me too! I'm not a child, don't protect me! Gah! People are just amazingly rude sometimes!

    I'm sorry.

  3. Even if I wasn't infertile, I wouldn't want to read the daily minutia of the lives of people's children! I keep telling my friends and family to make sure that when I do become a parent, I don't become THAT parent. :)

  4. I wish I would have the guts to send that letter out.

  5. I have to tell you, I was in your shoes for YEARS. Heartbreaking. I loathed the details of others and comments about why I was not a mom or better yet, the cards at christmas with the kids on them. I don't need a photo card to add to last year's collection. What the eff, right?

    But let me lend a little insight, having now been on the other side of the yard. I had a baby. I tried for years and have endometriosis AND Pcos. Sucks. And now, here I am, with a gorgeous little lady who is just over three months. I am so grateful. I am so gracious. I am SO HAPPY.

    I relate to your letter but I don't love it. Why? Because I was so darn happy to be knocked up that *I* found myself sometimes talking about the pregnancy. I found myself at SEARS recently, taking photos there. I found myself as a mother now. I finally found myself.

    I feel some women staring at me the way I stared at them when I was not a mother. And I want to shout, "I am infertile, too! I GET YOU!" But they don't know my story just as I don't know theirs.

    Would I do a holiday card with my child on it? NO. Birth announcments? NO. Do I try not to brag about my baby gir? (Who is the best and brightest and the most beautiful, by the way. Heh!) NO.

    I try to be sensitive to those women who are just like me. Fertility challenged. But sometimes I mess up. I guess I am too happy and relieved to catch myself. And for that, mea culpa and I am so sorry.

    Please understand that you don't know the other person's position. You don't know their struggles - if they had them. Most of us don't talk about how difficult it was to have a child (eight long years and miscarriages and doctors and needles and doctors and more needles and more miscarriages for me.) So although your letter rings SO true to a gal like me and many who love your blog, you just wait, missy. :)

    You just wait. When you are a mom (and you WILL be) you will be so gosh darn happy that the letter you wrote out of hurt and disappointment will mean very little TO YOU. It won't matter any more. You will continue to be sensitive towards others and you won't forget what it was like before the baby but all of your sorrows will be gone. Trust me.

    I don't like to read or hear of the daily reports still either. That will NEVER change. But some people don't know what it is like to be us. They had it a little easier. And some might have even had it harder. But we don't know where they have been. We. Just. Don't.

    I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I do! And I can't wait to see how life continues for you. I really relate and I really like your blog.

    Yours in fertility,


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