Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Where I am vs. where I thought I'd be

(Completely off the topic of infertility; children mentioned)

An unplanned walk through Williams-Sonoma with my BFF last weekend reminded me of how I've long *thought about* becoming a good cook but have never really devoted much time to pursuing that goal.  I love the *idea* of being a good cook--and I love to eat!--but I rarely cook anything apart from frozen entrees, soup and the like.  (I literally cooked for MM about four times a year even before the boys arrived, in part because the only things he'll eat that I cook are tacos, spaghetti and chili.)

That got me thinking about other things I once thought I would do/be/have by this stage of my life which I don't do/am not/don't have.  Here are a few things 20-year-old S thought about what her/my life would be which have not come to pass:
  • I've always hoped to be organized at home and at the office.  I have an organized mind (for the most part; pregnancy and sleep deprivation haven't helped) but struggle with keeping my spaces clutter-free and organized.  Unlike the cooking thing, this is something I continually work on, but I still fall far short of my goals for myself in this regard most of the time.  (The mere thought of how our "home office" looks at the moment--crammed full of baby gear we aren't using yet, items the boys have outgrown that I'm saving for friends, and random crap that got shoved in there every time MM didn't know where to put something since I was about, oh, 6 months pregnant--makes me feel heavy and overwhelmed.)
  • I want to exercise regularly and more: to be someone who feels a *need* to exercise regularly.  I have achieved this goal for brief periods a few times during my adulthood, but right now is not one of them.  I haven't set foot in the gym in a year--don't even know where my pass is now--and find myself winded and tired after a brisk walk.  And even those happen infrequently these days.
  • I thought I would be super-successful in my career.  Truth be told, I am a pretty average lawyer and was a pretty average nurse.  Actually, of all the things I thought I'd do and haven't, this one is the one I'm most at peace with.  I'm OK with being mediocre at my job!  Not sure what that says about me, but I find nothing wrong with being average in this area.
  • Once upon a time, I thought I would be the kind of mother who stayed home with her children.  Obviously this was before I switched to my current career and before I married MM.  In my younger days, I had the idea that I would marry someone who would make enough money to allow me to quit my job once our first child arrived.  A couple of problems with that idea for me: I had enough trouble finding someone I wanted to marry without also adding "must have a high-paying job" to my (lengthy) list of requirements, and I like being a lawyer for a variety of reasons--even though I'm mediocre at it--and don't really want to give it up.
  • Because I thought I'd be a SAHM, I had a lot of ideas about how I would parent.  I would breast feed, cloth diaper, wear my baby in a sling most of the day, make my own baby food.  Some of these ideas haven't come to fruition because I had twins, while others haven't happened because I'm not a SAHM.  As I've mentioned here, the breast feeding thing didn't work out for me (because of the twins' prematurity, my health and some other factors); MM said "hell, no!" to cloth-diapering twins; it's hard to wear two babies in a sling, and even harder when you're at the office.  I will likely still make my own baby food.  So I guess that's something.
  • I thought I'd be driving a BMW by now.  That was before I decided to pursue a second career at age 30, before I realized I wouldn't marry a rich man, and before MM and I spent $30K on fertility treatments.  Oh well.  I'd rather have my boys than a BMW (though it'd be great if I could've had both!).
I hope the tone of this post is not too negative.  Although I have focused here only on the things I don't have or do and am not, I don't mean it to be.  I am extremely satisfied with how my life has turned out thus far and with who I am.  (Sure, I still have things I want to work on about myself, but who among us but the most enlightened doesn't?)

Just thought it was interesting to reflect on how different my life is than what I'd envisioned.

EDITED TO ADD:  I forgot to include two things (duh!  see, I told you my mind isn't what it once was).  I also wanted to garden and be "crafty," in the sense of scrapbooking, knitting, crocheting and the like.  Yeah, I've devoted about as much time to those activities as I have to cooking.  The closest I've gotten to scrapbooking is using kodakgallery to make photo books.


  1. I can certainly identify the things on your list... but I guess we should also remind ourselves of all the wonderful things we have achieved :)) You're an amazing mum and your love for your boys is the most important thing xoxo

  2. Great post! I can really relate to the feeling of wanting to be organized and also to want to work out on a regular basis.


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