Sunday, November 15, 2009

Waiting for cycle #20 to start

I spent a good portion of yesterday wallowing in self-pity. On the one hand, I feel a little silly for being disappointed at yesterday's BFN: I've seen so many already, and I know that the odds of success for an IUI with injectables are only about 20% or so at the most. On the other hand, I felt that I wanted to acknowledge my sadness at yet another failure, so I did.

Yesterday's BFN means that MM and I will celebrate our first wedding anniversary on November 28th still childless. This probably doesn't sound like a very big deal to many of you, who perhaps didn't even start TTC-ing until you had been married for some time. But when a couple marries in their late 30s and still wants to have children, it is not at all uncommon, in my experience, for them to start TTC right away. Many even give birth to a first child before their first wedding anniversary. (I can think of several couples of my acquaintance who fall into this category.) Everyone is aware that "time is of the essence" once the woman is over 35.

Our upcoming anniversary also just makes me more aware of the passage of time. In my introductory post, I mentioned the fact that we started TTC just over seven months before our wedding date. (We knew pregnancy could take longer to achieve when the woman is over 35. Little did we know how much longer, in our case.) There was actually a period of months when I was mildly concerned about being visibly pregnant for our wedding. How naive that seems now.

It makes me sad to think that we are nowhere closer to our goal of becoming parents together now, after 19 cycles TTC and nearly a full year as a married couple, than we were a year ago. The only things the past year has brought us in regard to TTC are disappointments, inconvenience, stress and less money in our bank account.

Anyway. It is what it is. I am feeling better today, and I am very grateful for all your supportive comments yesterday. (And by the way, a glass of wine is a great suggestion after a BFN; unfortunately, I gave up alcohol entirely about a year ago due to migraines. Drats! I did throw healthy eating a bit to the wayside, though, and eat foods that weren't "clean.")

Now I am just playing the waiting game. Looking back on the previous two cycles when I used progesterone gel, my period did not arrive for about 5 days after my last dose. Assuming that my body reacts the same way this cycle, I can expect that AF will not arrive for another few days.

I am actually hoping that AF arrives no earlier than Wednesday. . . otherwise my monitoring appointment will fall on a day during our trip to my father's in New Mexico over Thanksgiving weekend. I'm not sure if my RE can/will give me more than a day's leeway for performing my mid-cycle u/s, which is supposed to take place on CD 11. And there is no way I could get the u/s done in the city where my dad lives: even if I could find a place there to have it done, our clinic does not permit that. They will only do my IUI if they do the mid-cycle u/s. (And I wouldn't want to do that anyway, because my dad and stepmom don't know that we are doing intervention, and I intend to keep it that way.)

So we shall see. It's not impossible that AF will arrive earlier and we will have to skip this next cycle. If that happens, so be it. As I've mentioned here before, I have never been 100% sold on the idea that the drugs and IUIs are truly improving our chances, given that the one-and-only BFP I have ever seen was during a break cycle. And I'm not thrilled at the idea of taking Clomid & Follistim while staying at my father's very small house with my nosy stepmother, but I will do it if I have to.

MM and I were talking today about a trip we plan to take in March. MM always takes a week off in March--he has for years--and coincidentally, it is usually the week in which my birthday falls. We had first talked about going to Disneyland and California Adventure, but after a trip to Costco today and looking at their travel brochures, we are also now considering a return trip to Hawaii (though not to Maui, to one of the other islands). It's fun to plan trips and talk about things in the future, but I couldn't help thinking that if I am pregnant by March, the odds of our being able to actually take this trip will likely be close to zero. I didn't mention this to MM, though, because nothing is definite yet--with the trip plans or TTC--and I didn't want to burst his bubble.

Once again during yesterday's wallowing, I thought about how much easier it would be to just give up. We are friends with a couple about the same age as us who married just a couple of months before us. In contrast to us, though, they agreed before they were married that they did not intend to have children. (They have nieces and nephews whom they adore, so it's not that they don't like children, more that they are both very career-focused--both on the police force, one a canine officer and one a detective--and like their freedom.)

I couldn't help thinking how much less stressful their first year of marriage has probably been than ours. Sure, I love MM, and I have no doubt that he loves me. We are happy, in the main. Our relationship is good, solid, and fun. Dealing with disappointment every single month can't help but take a toll on any relationship, though. We are both often angry, sad, frustrated, uncertain, and all the other things that go along with infertility.

On some level, I wish I just didn't have the desire to be a parent. I wish MM didn't have that desire. It would make our lives so much simpler.


  1. I'm so sorry about the wine comment. And I applaud your resolve once again, though I now realize it probably comes from necessity.

    I started TTC before my wedding too, I also was concerned about showing on my big day - I even shopped for 'back up' dresses (the flowy empire waist type) should one be necessary. I was supposed to be 15 weeks at my wedding but 3 weeks before I learned my pregnancy had failed. No problem, I thought, we'll get right back on the horse. And our anniversary is coming up too. It is so frustrating.

    It seems a lot of us are coming up against this Thxgiving week conundrum. I'm trying to figure out how we will be able to discreetly BD at my parents house. How mortifying. I'm wishing for the best for you with AF and the new cycle.

  2. No matter how many BFNs we see, it never gets any easier! I'm so need to explain the self-pity here. We all understand! (((HUGS)))

  3. I also apologize for the wine comment. I hope you found some way to indulge a bit and maybe take the edge off a little.

    I get what you're saying re the desire to be a parent. Sometimes it seems like everything would be easier without it. Several times while going through treatment before conceiving our twins I stopped and intenionally checked to make sure the desire was there and real! It's so easy to get caught up in it all. . . but yep, so it was, and so we trudged on. Unfortunately it never gets any easier. Quite the opposite I'm afraid.

    As I learn more and more about you - I continue to admire your strength and resolve. How I hope it pays off for you soon. . .

    (P.S. Please tell me if it bothers you that I continue to comment here! I want to offer support but not be insensitive. )

  4. Astrid, Bluebird, no need to apologize about the wine comments. You had no idea I don't drink anymore, and it's not as though I'm a recovering alcoholic and might be tempted by the suggestion. ;-)

    I should've had sushi, hopped in the hot tub, and eaten lots of soft cheese. I guess there is still time. LOL

  5. That's what I ate the day of my BFN - sushi! And I had coffee the next morning.

    The important thing is you take care of yourself, and allow yourself to be okay with just being upset.

  6. Here via LFCA.

    I am so sorry about your BFN. :( I remember my first cycle of injectibles + IUI, it was our 21st month of TTC and I was so hopeful we had finally found our answer. Three perfect follies for me, and hubby's contribution was "Olympic Gold" according to our RE.

    And no baby.

    I was absolutely devastated, and became convinced that I would never, ever conceive.

    But we did a second cycle with the same protocol, just to say we tried. And now I have a gorgeous 20-month-old son.

    When we were ready to TTC again, we went back to injectibles with IUI right away... and it's twins.

    I hope you don't mind me sharing my happy ending during this tough time, I just want to empathize with your pain, and say that I wish the same turn of luck for you in your TTC journey that I had in mine. Take care of yourself, and good luck.

  7. Sunny, I don't mind at all that you shared your happy ending here. Nowadays, women who have struggled with infertility are pretty much the only ones whose pregnancies and births I feel 100% good about celebrating. ;-)


  8. so sorry to hear that this was not the one. it does not matter how many years you have been at this or how many times you have seen the snow white tests, it is always horrible. hope that AF does not show up until you want her to visit. have fun planning your vacation!

  9. I'm sorry this has to suck so much - I don't have much to add except I'm thinking of you and sending much love your way.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.