Not sure what to think

Forgive the poor photo quality (a friend at work took the picture with her BlackBerry), but I hope the photo is clear enough to show that this HPT has a second line! (If you can't quite make it out, try clicking on the photo to make it larger.)

When the nurse from our RE's office called back in response to my message about my + OPK this morning and scheduled me for an u/s, she also instructed me to take a HPT before coming in for the appointment. In annoyance, I left work and drove to the Walgreens two minutes from my office. (I even called MM en route to tell him how annoyed I was at being told to test when I just finished my period less than a week ago.)

Imagine my surprise when I took the HPT in the ladies' room at my office and saw that a second line had appeared. This is the first time I've EVER seen a second line on a HPT I've used!

When I called my RE's office back to report the + HPT, they sent me to a lab for a quantitative hCG test. I had that drawn around 12:40 and won't know the results until tomorrow. (Even the lab's "stat" turnaround time is four hours, so there was no chance of a result today.)

I always figured when (if) I finally saw that elusive second line on a HPT, it would be in the privacy of my own home bathroom with MM nearby to share the news. I didn't expect to see it a week after (what I *thought* was) my period, in the office ladies' room, after five doses of Clomid and three of Follistim.

At MM's urging, I peed on another HPT about 10 minutes ago, and it also showed a faint second line. So I guess at least I know that this HPT is not defective.

What will happen next depends on the results of my blood test. If my "number" is good, they will do a second test in 48 hours, and then if my second "number" is good, an u/s will be scheduled for the earliest possible date when something can be visualized.

I am a tiny bit excited but mostly confused and not sure how to feel or what to think. I'm more concerned about the cramping and spotting I've had now than I was before; I'm concerned about the fact that I (inadvertently) took ovarian stimulation drugs when apparently I am already pregnant; and I'm absolutely perplexed about how I could've had a usual period when I am pregnant. I've heard of these things happening, but I always figured that they happened to women who didn't know their bodies or their cycles well and simply mistook their mid-to-late cycle bleeding for a period. I definitely had full, red flow for two days.

I will update again when I know the results of my blood test.

Positive OPK on CD 8?!

I am a little freaked out. My OPK at 10:40 was positive! I now have to go in for an u/s at 1:00 this afternoon to see what is going on.

I hope this doesn't mean our cycle is screwed. . . .

Spotting

It's hard to believe, but this is my 100th post! Wow! That happened more quickly than I thought it would.

My mood and concentration gradually improved over the course of the day yesterday so that by the early afternoon, I was pretty much back to normal. (As an aside, I want to say that I can't even imagine what my mood would've been like had I not been getting regular exercise and eating "clean," both things that tend to positively affect my mood. Yikes.) I stopped feeling like I might lose my mind, lose my job, kill my husband, etc.

HOWEVER. . . . beginning yesterday morning, I started having lower abdominal cramps identical in quality to those I get with my period (complete with low back pain) and a small amount of rust-colored spotting. Not much spotting: just enough to see on the tissue when I wipe and to require wearing a panty liner. Today, though the cramps are gone, the spotting continues, but is now a dark brown color rather than rust.

I should explain here that my usual period consists of full flow on CD 1 and CD 2 and some spotting on CD 3 and CD 4. (I know, I'm lucky to have short periods.) There have only been a handful of times in the 27+ years that I have been menstruating where my body has deviated from this pattern, and I have noticed no change in the amount or length of flow as I've gotten older.

I realize that, for some people, spotting on CD 7 might be normal. But it's NOT normal for me, and I had had no bleeding at all since CD 4 until this starting up again yesterday morning.

I've read that you can have spotting at ovulation, but I certainly wouldn't expect to be ovulating on CD 7! I won't even be using my first OPK until this morning, CD 8. Plus, I'd always thought that ovulation spotting would be red/pink if I had it; this spotting is decidedly dark.

I've made two calls to my clinic's nurse line about this and haven't really gotten a satisfactory answer. The first nurse to whom I spoke told me this could be normal, old blood left over from my last period (I disagree: it's not normal FOR ME to have spotting on CD 7) and also suggested that I might be dehydrated--also not possible, as I drink between 2 and 3 liters a day of water and have been diligent about that of late due to dieting and exercising more. Ultimately, that nurse just told me call back if the spotting continued, which I did yesterday afternoon. I am still waiting to speak with another nurse about my second call.

Being me, I google'd the heck out of this to see if this is something that others have experienced in cycles with similar drug regimens, but I didn't find anything.

I am a little concerned only in so far as this is abnormal for me. And I'm hoping that this doesn't indicate that something is going wrong with this cycle.

My mind

I experienced something yesterday afternoon that I actually hope IS a side effect of Clomid and Follistim. If it's medication-related, there is a chance that it will eventually resolve. If it's not. . . . I may be slowly headed for a mental breakdown.

One of my fears about using drugs to get pregnant has always been the effects that the drugs would have on me. (I touched in this in my post about whether we would ever do IVF.) With Clomid alone, I had some night sweats, perhaps a headache or two (though I get so many headaches normally that it's hard to judge), and some bloating and lower abdominal discomfort around ovulation time. The progesterone gel that I have to use in the 2WW takes away my sex drive, makes intercourse uncomfortable, and mimics some of the signs of early pregnancy (nausea, fatigue, cramping). I can live with all that.

Yesterday afternoon, beginning after lunch and peaking in the late afternoon, I found myself having a really hard time concentrating. I was also really jumpy and irritable. I was able to deal with the irritability by simply closing my office door and avoiding people. . . . but it is next to impossible to write a legal brief when you can't focus. Each time I would try to write a portion of my project, I found my mind wandering to random, unrelated things: everything from what to make for dinner to wondering about the relative merits of different crock pots to gettting my care serviced.

After two hours of trying in vain to work on my project, I gave up and went to the gym in hopes of clearing my head with a workout. I was only partially successful and didn't get back to working on my brief at all yesterday evening.

I can handle the irritability. (Hey, that happens sometimes in unmedicated cycles. LOL) I can handle the bloating. I can handle the vague odd lower abdominal discomfort I woke up with this morning.

I CANNOT handle being unable to concentrate! My job requires me to read and write all day, both of which require the ability to focus on your task. I don't have the luxury of taking time off, and there is no one else to complete my work even if I did. I MUST be able to concentrate in order to keep my job.

(It also didn't particularly help that my husband was not very supportive about these issues and in fact, was a jerk to me when he got home, though he apologized. But that is another topic for another day.)

I'm not sure what to do about this. After spending $350 (in co-pays) on medications alone, I am committed to finishing this cycle. I have taken three Follistim injections and four Clomid tablets already, so I only have two more injections and one more Clomid tablet for this cycle. (Oh, and the hCG trigger and progesterone gel.) But if we are unsuccessful this cycle--and I'm not being pessimistic, just acknowledging the simple FACT that the odds are against us (IUI + injectables having a success rate of about 6-20% per cycle, based on my reading)--I'm not sure how I can knowingly subject myself to this next month.

Surely I am not the only woman who has dealt with this. I would welcome comments from anyone else who found that these drugs affected her mentation and mood.

Cycle 18 CD 6

I am happy to report that I have slept through until morning the past two nights without being awakened by sweats or the urgent need to pee. Either my body is getting used to the hormones I'm putting into it, or Sunday night was a fluke.

I have noticed that I seemed to be retaining water yesterday (though after drinking nearly 3 liters over the course of the day, it seems to have resolved today), and I have been emotionally labile, which is unlike me. I have moments of feeling fine, as usual, and moments of feeling sad or angry. Not sure if this is medication-related or not.

I logged onto Facebook this morning to discover yet another person on my friends list announcing her pregnancy in a status update. I'm happy for her, I guess (she is not a close friend, haven't seen her in about 20 years), but how many more of these announcements am I going to have to endure? Geesh.

Third shot of Follistim tonight. I'm annoyed because I'm having to leave work earlier than usual and work out earlier than usual in order to get home in time to take the shot. How annoying! At least I don't take the Clomid until 9:00. (BTW, is anyone else grossed out by the bitterness of the Clomid tablets? It's just awful!)

Things are moving along. Baby steps.

The process

When I was in law school, I recall talking with someone at a non-law-related event (it was at a Weight Watchers meeting, actually) who commented that law school would be so hard and take so long that she could never do it. I told her that in many ways, law school is just like doing anything else that will take months or years to complete: you just take the first step down the path, and then the next, and then the next. As long as you continue taking one small step at a time, eventually you get to your goal.

To become a lawyer, there are many, many steps. First there is the application process which starts with taking a standardized national test offered only a few times a year. You then select the school(s) to which you will apply and jump through whatever hoops they ask you to in order to be considered. Once you are accepted and enrolled, all you have to do is show up each day and keep up with the work. (Not that doing this is not challenging, but it's a totally doable task, broken up into many small steps.)

Once you graduate, the process is still not complete because you must now prepare for (and pass) the bar exam and also find a job. Each of these goals can be broken up into many smaller tasks: signing up for the bar exam, studying one subject area each day for several weeks to prepare, sending out resumes, going to interviews, etc., etc.

When I look back at the whole process it took to become a lawyer, I can see why someone who hasn't done it might find it daunting. If I had thought of the thousands upon thousands of pages of text that I would have to read, all the exams I would have to take, all the interviews I would attend, and all the rest, I might not have thought that I could do it either. But it doesn't seem as unattainable when you just take it one step at a time.

I think this analogy applies equally well to earning any type of degree and likely to many other things as well. Building a house, for example, cannot be done in a single day. At best, it will take days or weeks, perhaps even months.

I was thinking this morning about how this process compares to TTC. For the lucky majority, deciding to get pregnant is no more than going off birth control, having some well-timed sex, and celebrating two lines on the HPT. For some parents, no planning whatsoever is involved, and a pregnancy just happens.

But for those of us struggling with IF, TTC is indeed a process. I know I started off by BBT charting and having well-timed sex (thinking I would be a part of that lucky majority). After a few months, I added OPKs to the mix, and then a ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. When we still had no success, we saw the RE and went through a variety of tests. We had multiple appointments with the RE to discuss test results and formulate a plan. Ultimately, in April of this year, we did our first treatment cycle with Clomid + hCG trigger + IUI. We did a second Clomid cycle in June with hCG trigger and timed intercourse only. And now I am in the beginning of our first cycle of Clomid + Follistim + hCG trigger + IUI.

When I stop and think about everything I have to do each cycle--let alone the entire path to our desired outcome--the process seems a bit daunting. Nearly every day of my cycle, at least prior to the IUI, there is a medication that I have to take, or I have to use OPKs, or an ultrasound is scheduled. Although each task takes up only minutes, I have to plan my day around them. So I try not to dwell on these thoughts and just do what I've been instructed to do each day.

I don't like the prospect of continuing in this frame of mind for months and even then, possibly still meeting with failure. But I know that the process takes time and many baby (pun intended) steps to reach the goal.

One key difference: in law school, despite the length and complexity of the process, I knew that at the end I would eventually be a lawyer. Now if only I could know that through this process I would ultimately achieve my goal and be a mother.

Unfortunately, in TTC, unlike in most other areas in life, the means do not always achieve the end. So frustrating.

Survived my first Follistim injection

I gave myself my first-ever Follistim shot yesterday evening. The shot itself was not as bad as I'd feared. It stung a little because I was too impatient and didn't let the pen reach room temperature, but compared to the horrible stinging I had with my first hCG shot, it was a piece of cake. I also took my first dose of Clomid for this cycle last night before bed.

Last night I woke up FOUR times to pee. (Once or not at all would be more usual for me.) And woke up one other time in a sweat. I blame both of these things on the meds. Has anyone else experienced this?

Today I feel normal. I'll be taking my second injection and dose of Clomid this evening. Fun, fun.

Tomorrow I am beginning a little weight loss challenge with some friends. I do need to lose weight, and it should be a good way to take my mind off my fertility (or lack thereof) during this cycle.

EDITED TO ADD: I was once again "slapped in the face" by the fertility of two new Facebook "friends." One is a police officer who I knew as a prosecutor; he and his wife posted an ultrasound photo of their baby boy. The other is a law school classmate of mine. He and his wife had a little girl while we were in law school, and on his profile, I noticed photos of him with the little girl and with two little boys who appeared to be twins between ages 2 and 3. I wrote a brief message on his Wall asking if he had three children now. His response: "yes, and number four is on the way in December." [sigh]