My sons are 6!

This blog is mostly abandoned these days, but I felt moved to post today for my sons' sixth birthday. Every year with our sons gets better and better. We are so fortunate to have these wonderful boys as our children.

The boys started kindergarten last fall and are both doing well! AJ is an independent introvert who nevertheless makes friends easily. He has an advanced sense of humor for his age, is meticulous and artistic, and has just started taking gymnastics, which is well-suited to his small, wiry frame.

MJ is a textbook extrovert with a kind heart and a loving nature. He is loud and has difficulty sitting still for long, or refraining from immediately blurting out every thought that pops into his mind. He makes friends wherever he goes and jumps right into any new social situation. He got glasses this fall and is playing basketball and enjoying it.

My biggest surprise in having these twin boys has been in how different they are! Most times nowadays, people don't even realize that they are brothers, let alone twins. They look different, and MJ is about 30 pounds heavier and 4 inches taller than AJ.

Here are some recent photos of AJ & MJ. The second photo really shows the difference in size between them.

[PHOTOS REMOVED ON 1/27/2018. IF YOU ARE A REGULAR READER, EMAIL ME THROUGH THE EMAIL ADDRESS IN MY PROFILE!]

Happy Birthday, my loves, and many more!

Do genes matter?

[EVEN THOUGH TAKING DOWN THE ORIGINAL PHOTOS CHANGES THIS POST, I REMOVED THE ORIGINAL PHOTOS ON 11/2/2017 -- IN THE INTEREST OF NOT HAVING PHOTOS OF MY SON DISPLAYED INDEFINITELY ON THE INTERNET -- AND REPLACED THEM WITH THE PHOTO YOU SEE NOW, WHICH DOESN'T CLEARLY SHOW HIS WHOLE FACE.]

These recent photos of my son MJ and me were taken during our annual family photo session (the second photo was taken when we didn't know that the photographer was shooting). I love them because I think that they really show the love and strong bond between us. (Side note: AJ was in a mood during our session and refused to pose for any photos with me.)

Although someone studying these photos would search in vain for a physical resemblance between the two of us (MJ looks very similar to my MIL as a child), despite this lack of similarity in looks, I think that anyone would recognize that these are photos of a mother and son.

I am still active in a group for parents via egg donation, and a fair number of members of the group are either TTC with DE or still pregnant. Understandably, many of those folks wonder about how their children will feel about being DE-conceived. Some also wonder if they will feel the same toward their DE-conceived child as they would toward a child conceived with their own eggs. I happened to read one of those posts expressing doubt around the same time that I received these photos from our photographer.

I suppose individual experiences may vary, and of course, I have no basis for comparison, having no children who were conceived with my own eggs. . . but I don't think there is a way that I could love my sons more -- or vice versa -- had they been conceived with my own eggs. In fact, in a weird way, I think that the fact that I share no genes with my sons frees me to know them without preconceived notions about how they will be like me.

So, at least for me, no, genes do not matter in my relationship with my sons.

The Days Are Long but the Years Are Short

With my sons starting kindergarten and after seeing photos over the past two weeks of so many children of my friends who are going off to college, or starting high school, I was thinking tonight that I should really be cherishing this time with my sons. They still tell me that they love me multiple times a day, love to give me hugs and kisses, tell me I'm "the best mommy in the world," and say that the weekend days are their favorite days because they get to spend all day with Mommy and Daddy.

It won't be long before they are embarrassed by me and prefer the company of their friends to that of their parents. Before they start thinking I am uncool or can't possibly understand them, instead of thinking that I know everything and coming to me with all their questions. Before they take a bigger step along the path of the inevitable separation from me. 

I need to remember that I won't always have Alex wanting to blow me 30 kisses before I leave his room at bedtime and that they won't always be getting up asking for "one more hug." Even on the nights when I am tired and long for them to sleep so that I can have a quiet moment with my husband, or go to sleep myself, I need to dig deep and give them the best I have to give.

Because there will come a day, not too far distant, when they won't want so much of me. And that will be harder, in a way, than being wanted all the time. 

Anyone out there?

It has been nearly a year since my last post here. Although I wrote in my last post about whether I should abandon the blog or continue to post here, I don't know that I necessarily made a conscious decision to completely quit the blog. It was more that it had begun to feel like one more task that I couldn't quite stay on top of and that I felt I had moved far from my original reason for beginning to write here: infertility.

There have been a handful of occasions during the past year when I have had thoughts that I would have liked to share with. . . someone. . . but those thoughts didn't seem appropriate for this space. They were either musings about current events, the challenges of motherhood, or other topics that have nothing to do with infertility. And while I know that plenty of other infertility bloggers write about these topics (and I have, too, on occasion), I just didn't feel right doing so.

I consider my infertility "resolved." I am nearing 46 years of age, and we do not intend to have more children, for several good reasons. I have talked with my sons in a rudimentary way about the means of their conception, and they get it. . . as much as two not-quite-5-year-olds can.

Our sons are doing great. They will be 5 next month, and they bring us so much joy (and frustration, at times). Their personalities are night-and-day different, and they don't even look like twins these days. Being their mom is fun, most of the time.

[PHOTOS REMOVED AS OF 12/31/2016]

I know several of my former followers have found me on Fac.ebo.ok (where I post photos of my sons engaged in various activities on a pretty regular basis). If you are reading this post and would like to connect, email me at the email address in my profile.

2015 Recap

In looking back over 2015, I see that this post is only my 37th of the year. That's less than a post a week and the lowest yearly total I've had since starting this blog back in 2009.

I sometimes think that I should just shut this blog down entirely, as I seem to post here only sporadically and the posts I do share are hardly a true (or at least complete) reflection of my life or my feelings. In looking back at my posts over the past year, it appears that I only occasionally post about my sons and/or motherhood and most often just post random updates about what is going on in my life.

Plus, the reason I started the blog -- infertility -- is no longer an issue in my life. I have been a mother to my sons for nearly four years, and for a variety of reasons, we do not intend to have any more children. I will be 45 on my next birthday. So while I am technically probably still infertile, I am far from being in the trenches anymore.

So as I recap 2015, I am giving some consideration to whether I should even continue to post here. Most of the time this blog just feels like one more thing I can't keep up with these days. . . .

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

I rode the Polar Express with my sons.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any new year's resolutions for 2015 and don't intend to make any for next year.  I've come to believe that, for me, all resolutions do is set me up to fail.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmm. Not anyone close to me, but a couple of friends had babies, and a couple more are due next month.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

Same answer as the last two years: I need to exercise more so I can have more energy and better health

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

No particular date stands out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I seem to have finally found a job where my skills and abilities are appreciated (and compensated financially). That's a first for me.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I'm not sure.  I feel like I am failing at *something* nearly every day. . . .

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was hospitalized in late April/early March due to sepsis and have also had several less serious illnesses throughout the year, including some nasty colds, a GI virus, bronchitis and an eye infection.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Adele's new CD, 25.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Once again, to child care expenses (almost as much as to our mortgage)

13. What did you get really excited about?

Taking the boys to the Polar Express

14. What song will always remind you of 2015?

Bad Blood (which MJ calls "the fighting song")

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? about the same
– thinner or fatter?  ever so slightly thinner
– richer or poorer? slightly richer, thanks to a raise and an unexpected bonus

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Slept

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Procrastinating

18. How did you spend Christmas?

At home with my family: husband, kids, mother and inlaws.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't have one.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (spoiler: it didn't change my life), The Girl on the Train, The Giver (surprisingly, I had never read it) and Bel Canto

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Adele's new CD

22. What was your favorite film of the year?

Hmm. Probably Spy

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Husband took me out to dinner and (inadvertently) spoiled my evening (I blogged about this here). I turned 44.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A two-week spa retreat.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

Basic

26. What kept you sane?

Chatting with other mothers of small children who work outside the home. It's nice to know that there are other friends dealing with the same challenges as I am.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

I can't do it all. It's foolish to even try.

Happy Holidays!

[PHOTOS REMOVED AS OF 12/28/2015. IF YOU MISSED THE POST AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM, EMAIL ME AT THE ADDRESS IN MY PROFILE.]

THIS YEAR'S HOLIDAY CARD

THROWBACK TO TWO YEARS AGO--OUR BIGGEST FAILED VISIT TO SANTA

I think I'm ahead

I'm so far behind at present, I think I'm ahead. Work has been exceptionally busy for the past 6 weeks or so, with no end in sight. Add in my sons and the holidays, and I am feeling quite swamped.

Here are the main things going on in my life of late apart from work:

• Traveled to Mi.ami Be.ach for work and got one glorious night of uninterrupted sleep in a hotel right on the beach
• Had a good Thanksgiving with my mother and my inlaws (I only prepared one minor side dish!)
• Celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary the Saturday after Than.ksgiv.ing
• AJ insisted we put up our Ch.rist.mas tree on Monday, so now it's on display
• Took the boys to a local reptile sanctuary over Thanksgiving weekend, and they loved it. (MJ held a king snake, and AJ actually LICKED a green anaconda after petting him for a while.)
• Taking the boys on the Po.lar Ex.press this coming Saturday
• A dear friend is pregnant with her third, and I'm attending a sprinkle/lunch in her honor Saturday before we leave for the northern part of the state
• Have done some shopping for the boys' presents but none for anyone else. At least I have an idea of what I'll buy. . . .
• Sent out my holiday cards. I used to love doing a family Ch.ris.tmas letter, but I simply don't have the time these days, so folks just get a photo card from us
• Have been working on organizing my digital photos in anticipation of printing them all (I crazily signed up for the "Embrace Your Phone" course which targets this issue in early November)
• Started the 21 Day Fix on Monday, and so far, so good. Long overdue to eat more healthfully and exercise more regularly! I need to do something to have more energy

If I make it to February 1 with my sanity intact, I will be very grateful!

Little Boys of Three

Look tenderly on little boys of three;
Their softness is as fleeting as a flower,
The cheeks like petals such a little hour,
The deepest dimple, theirs so transiently.

Even tomorrow softness may be hard;
The little cotton cushions on the knees,
Turned into bony knobs for climbing trees,
The fists, so like a rose, grow lean and scarred.

His full moon cheeks will narrow to a line,
The silken hair becomes the brush of bristle,
As mother's little flower turns to thistle,
And there will linger not one little sign

To prove the cuddly cupid that was he;
Look tenderly on little boys of three!

~AUTHOR: Isabelle Bryans Longfellow 

[THIS POST ORIGINALLY HAD TWO PHOTOS OF MY SONS TOGETHER, BUT I HAVE REMOVED THEM AS OF 11/30/2015.]

Top Ten

These are the current top ten most commonly heard phrases from our sons, age 3 years 9 months:

10. Because I said so 
9.  I'm not your friend (only by AJ) 
8.  Can somebody wipe my bottom?
7.  I want a treat
6.  There's no monsters? (only by AJ)
5.  Watch this, Mom!
4.  I want to watch something on the TV (only by MJ)
3.  I want to buy that!
2.  I'm thirsty (or hungry)
1.  Why?

When It Rains. . .

it pours. Monday night MJ woke us up with a croupy cough and wheezing. And then AJ woke me up with ear pain (he'd had ear pain and fever earlier in the day as well). And MM woke up vomiting.

Because MM was so sick himself, it fell to me to take the boys to their pediatrician first thing in the morning on Tuesday. (Fortunately, the NP was able to examine them both even though only AJ had an appointment.) AJ was diagnosed with the expected ear infection, and we learned that the tube has fallen out of his right ear. MJ was diagnosed with croup and a sinus infection. Antibiotics were prescribed for both, as well as a dose of steroids for MJ.

I missed a group firm photo for a local magazine (as well as most of a day's work), but that's life. On the upside, all three of them are much improved today, and everyone is back to work/school.

The one saving grace was that I am about 95% recovered from my own illness. Had I still been sick also, it would have really been a rough day.

#MicroblogMondays 60: Steroids Edition

The day after my last post, when it was clear I wasn't getting better, I finally broke down and went to urgent care. (I hate going to the doctor when sick and will usually avoid doing so until/unless it becomes obvious I won't get better without some type of intervention.) I was diagnosed with bronchitis and prescribed a ZPak, steroids and a cough suppressant, and on Friday night, I had my first decent night's sleep all week, which contributed to my feeling much better on Saturday.

By yesterday, I was close to my normal energy level, and although I am still coughing, the episodes are fewer and farther between, shorter and less violent. That allowed me to make a significant dent in the virtual mountain of laundry that had accumulated over the past week when I was feeling particularly poorly. I washed and dried nine loads and folded and put away seven of those, with two more waiting for me to fold and put them away this evening.

I also cleaned the kitchen, including mopping the floor, and vacuumed, in addition to the usual weekend trip to the grocery store and keeping the boys entertained. (They had tee ball on Saturday, and on Sunday we took them to a nearby ranch's "pumpkin patch" -- really, just pumpkins stacked on and around bales of hay, but they don't know the difference and had fun.)

It felt good to be productive and start to get a handle on things at home, as well as feeling well enough to enjoy hanging out with my sons. Thank you, steroids, for the quick recovery.

Now to chip away at the work "to do" list. . . .

I hate being sick

As of today, I have been coughing for two weeks straight. I caught a cold at the end of September and was just getting over it, with the cough still lingering, when I came down with another cold (this one more severe--worse sore throat and ear pain in addition to congestion) last Saturday.

My cough has been so bad the last three nights that I've hardly slept. I've tried everything that is available over-the-counter, and none of it has helped much. I'm frickin' exhausted.

(TMI: I also have urinary stress incontinence since having my sons, which makes for a lot of extra fun when I have a bad cough like this. Good times. . . .)

I'm really more annoyed by this than anything. Things had been going relatively smoothly for me. . . well, as smoothly as they ever seem to go in my life post-children. Since my hospitalization in early May, I'd only been sick once, with a GI virus in early July. I had recently started exercising regularly for the first time since my sons were born, and I'd managed to keep up the habit for three consecutive weeks before these colds hit me. Now I've had to put that on hold for no other reason than that I am absolutely worn out.

It isn't even cold and flu season yet! And our daytime highs here are still hovering around 100 degrees!

Anyway. I know that no one ever died from a cold, that there is nothing that can be done to shorten the duration of a cold, and that I'll be back to normal in another week or so. But right now, this just sucks. I just want to sleep and stop having to wear a diaper-like Po.ise pad all the time.

Playing catch-up

The title says it all: that seems to be the theme of my life these days. As I said in a comment on one of gwinne's posts recently, I fell behind on a variety of things when I was pregnant with my sons and have never been fully caught up since.

At the moment, I have a number of items that need to get done TODAY, both at home and at work. The work items have accumulated due to my secretary's getting fired this week (long story, but it had nothing to do with her job performance per se) and due to my being out of town all day yesterday for depositions. At home, our house is in its usual end-of-week state of chaos -- toys and various other detritus strewn about, low on essential grocery items, floors in need of vacuuming/sweeping/mopping -- plus we are completely out of dog food as of this morning, and I still need to buy snacks for the eight children on our tee ball team before tomorrow morning's game. Whew!

Meanwhile I still have a lingering cough from the cold I had last week, we have plans to (belatedly) celebrate MM's birthday Saturday night (it was actually Wednesday), my mom has finally arrived in the metro area and is coming over Saturday, we have the boys' second tee ball game Saturday morning and we hope to visit the pumpkin patch Sunday.

And on that note, I must end, as another urgent matter has just been dropped on my desk. Happy Friday

#MicroblogMondays 57

• The day after I wrote the last post, MM and I had a long talk about our plans to list our house and buy the larger house we'd found and decided that now just isn't the right time, for a number of logistical and financial reasons. So that plan is on hold for at least another 18 months.
• We were both a little bummed to miss out on the house we liked, but in the short term, I'm really glad to not have to deal with the stress of sprucing up our current house, keeping it showing-ready indefinitely and then moving. Ugh.
• MM had a cold over the weekend, and I woke up with congestion and a scratchy throat this morning. Darn him! I've had a surprising stretch of no illnesses, too: nothing since the GI virus the boys shared with me in early July.
• I am proud to report that I have walked at least 30 minutes, between 1.75 and 2 miles, at least 4 mornings every week for the past 3 weeks. Probably doesn't sound like much to anyone who exercises regularly, but I have been out of the habit of regular exercise since I got pregnant with my sons, so this is a big deal to me.

More space

[THIS POST IS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO INFERTILITY. CHILDREN BRIEFLY MENTIONED.]

MM and I have talked often about wanting to get a larger house when the boys are a little older. Our current house, where we have lived over seven years, since before we were married, is more than adequate to our needs at present -- 1500 sq ft, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms -- but the bedrooms are pretty small. Two toddler beds fit in one just fine, but two twin beds would be a tight fit.

For a while we have figured we would wait to make this move for a few reasons. First, it's not a pressing concern. Second, we currently pay almost the equivalent of our mortgage for daycare costs for our two children, and that outlay of cash will be less once the boys start kindergarten in a couple of years. (We will still have to pay for some after-school care, but that won't cost us even half as much.) Third, although the housing market in our area has been recovering, we weren't sure if it had recovered sufficiently to make selling our home a realistic possibility that wouldn't involve a net loss.

However, this past Saturday Mike stumbled across a house in our neighborhood having an open house that "ticked all our boxes." (In addition to our stated desire for more space, we have some specific and somewhat peculiar things we are looking for in our next house; the good thing is that we are in agreement about them.) And not only was it everything we are looking for, it is priced significantly under what one might expect for a house of that size in its location.

So now since Saturday we have crunched some numbers and done a lot of talking and planning, met with a realtor, been pre-approved for a home loan, and decided to list our current house in the hope of buying the other, larger home. It is exciting but also more than a little daunting when I think of all the things we will have to accomplish over the next two weeks just to get the house listed. . . let alone thinking beyond that to showings, a potential move, etc.

I am not sure if this is all going to come together -- whether we will sell our current house, whether the seller of the other house will accept our offer, etc. -- but I guess time will tell. I am trying not to envision myself living in the bigger house, just in case things don't work out.

In the meantime, the length of my "to do" list has tripled. And I am asking myself why I didn't wait for Bubbe's arrival in two-and-a-half weeks to take this on. (She would surely help me out with more than half this stuff if she were here.)

"Childless" or "Childfree" = Insult?

I wondered if any of you read this article with excerpts from an interview with actress Kim Cattrall where she talks about being a parent because she mentors young actors/actresses and has nieces and nephews to whom she is close.

I have not had time to listen to the full interview (which is 58 minutes long), and there are parts of what she says with which I don't disagree -- like the fact that you can express your maternal side without giving birth and that our society devalues women who have not given birth to children -- but I do take exception with her assertion that she is a "parent" because she loves, nurtures and mentors young people. To me, parenthood includes those things, to be sure, but it includes more, and is more all-encompassing than being a loving aunt or mentor.

Before I had children of my own, I had a nephew whom I adored (still have, LOL), and I was a mentor for children in the foster care system. I was also an "auntie" to the children of a few close friends.

None of those experiences was the same as being a mother to my own children. Not only do I love my sons more than those other children (apologies to my sister and friends if they're reading this), I am responsible for their care and upbringing in a way that I was never responsible for those children's.

I completely agree that biology has little to do with parenting. Rather, it's the nurturing and bonding over years that really make someone a mother or father.

But I don't think you can say you're a parent simply because you are a nurturing, loving person who shares those qualities with others in her sphere.

What do you think?

#Microblog Mondays 55

How I'm doing, in haiku. . .


I finally walked
Four mornings last week pre-work
Exercise should help

Need to get away
But I'm too busy at my job
Answer? Suck it up

Often so fatigued
No matter how much I've slept
Doctor says I'm fine

[beginning first week of October]
Boys playing tee ball
(AJ said no more soccer)
No free Saturdays

Mom is coming soon
She will stay through Easter time
Yea for Bubbe!

#Microblog Mondays 51

• School has started again where we live. In two years' time, my sons will start kindergarten.
• A friend at work was talking about his daughter who just turned 6 months old last Thursday and how she is trying to crawl and to talk. It's crazy to think that, at three-and-a-half years of age, my sons are now closer in age to the kindergarten-starting kids than to his baby. How can that be??!!
• My sons are at an age that is both challenging and fun. They each merit their own full-length post, and perhaps sometime I will have time to write it.
• Work continues to be busy, and things continue to go well. Although I have my moments of discontent, and I sometimes think "how will I do this for the next 20+ years until retirement?", I know I'm fortunate.
• Most days I am just trying to get through from one day to the next. . . sometimes one hour to the next. Just keep swimming. . . .

#Microblog Mondays 48

• I keep reading about how terrible the job market is for people in my field, and yet for three weeks running, I have had one or more emails a week from recruiters wanting me to apply for positions. (Today's recruiter, who is someone with whom I have history vs. just a "cold call," actually pressed on after my initial reply of "thanks, not interested" and asked if I'd change my mind if he could get me a "considerable bump" in salary. Whaaa?) I didn't realize I was so much in demand. Of course, ironically, these emails are coming at a time when I am not job searching. . . .
• I continue to be plagued by GI problems on the tail end of whatever virus my sons had more than a week ago. It's been about ten days, actually. Ugh
• My sons have been getting up to shenanigans at bedtime that have been keeping them up 1-1.5 hours later than usual, and it's no good. Trying out a new approach to bedtime starting tonight. Wish us luck!

#MicroblogMondays 47

I think I have figured out what at least (part of) my problem is: I am suffering from serious burnout at work. (I stumbled across this article in the Was.hin.gton Post a few days ago, and it describes me to a T.)

I am majorly stressed out a lot of the time, and it is definitely affecting my health and happiness. However, I am also extremely busy at work at the moment, with a couple of major events coming up, so there is no end in sight and no realistic way for me to put the suggested solutions on "how to feel better" provided in the article to action in my life.

I am still plugging along with the clean(er) eating, and I will say that that has helped my energy level. Or it would have, had I not had my sleep interrupted six out of the last eight nights due to a gastrointestinal virus that has been waking up both my sons in turn. It's always something it seems.

I'm still hoping to add in the exercise piece at some point, and I'm sure that would help my mood, too. When I'm not so sleep-deprived. . . .