Monday, October 18, 2010

Letting go

Thank you for all your comments about my husband.  I am happy to report that he was released from the hospital over the weekend and has continued to make steady improvement since then.  He is more tired and weak than usual but otherwise mostly back to normal.

I had my third counseling session yesterday.  I was proud that I didn't cry at all!  (I did tear up a time or two, but no tears actually fell.)  We talked about what practical steps I could take to become OK with the idea of doing DE IVF, and I think she was surprised to learn that I have already taken many of them. . . . . reading up on what is involved and how the procedure works; joining a forum of other parents who have used or are using DE; choosing a clinic; "shopping" for a donor.

We talked a bit about my anger at having to use this path to achieve pregnancy.  (Yes, I know I am lucky to have this as a viable alternative, but I am still angry about having to use it also.)  My "homework" for the week is to write down daily something that I am willing to "let go" of in order to pursue DE, i.e., "I am letting go of my anger at having to spend $35K on DE IVF instead of a new car" or "I am letting go of my anger at not being able to conceive 'naturally'."

She also gave me a book to read, and I will write more about that once I've read the chapters she suggested.

Overall, I do feel that I am coming to terms with this situation.  Although I sometimes chafe at the (necessary) delay, I do think that the fact that I have to wait until next summer to pursue DE IVF for financial reasons is affording me some much-needed time to be completely on board with this option.

One thing I brought up at the end of the session that I wanted to discuss in future is the whole "to tell or not to tell" question.  So far, only my BFF, sister, mother and in-laws know we are seriously considering this option.  (Well, and all of you, of course.  And those of you who know me in real life I trust to keep this to yourselves.)

My biggest quandary is whether and when/how to tell my father.  As I've written about before, he and his wife are on limited information status and don't even know about our IF.

We will discuss that in more detail at a future session, and I think MM will need to be a part of this discussion, if for no other reason than because we are not on the same page about this.

So, dear readers. . . . if you feel comfortable, share something in the comments that you have had to "let go" of on your IF journey.  I know I am not the only one who is not able to take her preferred path to parenthood. . . . .

EDITED TO ADD:  Oh, I almost forgot!  Yet another law school classmate announced her pregnancy on FB this morning, and for the first time in ages, it didn't feel like a punch in the gut.  (And she isn't even a close friend or anything.)  Hmm.  Maybe I am making some progress in dealing with my feelings.


  1. Hey S. Sorry I've missed a few blog posts. But what an excellent post. I feel you have gone above and beyond researching all of DE's aspects and psychological intracacies. I did the same thing and do not have any regrets. I still, from time to time, get angry that I have to use DE but the times when I grieve this fact are far less painful than they ever used to be. Now it just feels like I've embraced DE and largely feel extremely comfortable to talk about it with anybody really. But I do have some anger issues with it from time to time. So as you requested...I am letting go of the anger that my child will not have the same DNA as me and I am letting go of the anger that I have spent so far a total of $56,000 in the pursuit of a child that does not even exist. I am also letting go of the anger that I have to take a multitude of drugs and hormones/shots to increase my chances to have a child when the majority of people get to conceive in a more intimate and natural way. So yeah, sounds like I'm so bitter but I'm not. It is what it is and I accept and embrace the challenge. I have a feeling you are not far behind me. Take care.

  2. Glad your hubby is home and on the mend! There is nothing worse than being really sick.
    Giving up you ask? IF is all about giving up on some ways, surrendering. I never thought I would get to IVF and yet here I am and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if need be. I have surrendered my dream of it coming easy, it hasn't. I am not one to dwell I just need to move forward.
    I am happy that you will have time to embrace DE ivf before going forward. But S, once you see that little one all of your struggles with evaporate ( to be replaced with new ones I am sure).

  3. Blech. I'm so sorry about the punch in the gut on FB.

    I really like what you're therapist is having you do and please share with us about the book when you get a chance.

    And the letting go question? I have no freaking idea how to answer that. I guess I have some work to do myself.

  4. Glad to hear MM is feeling better. I have had to let go of too much, but most recently the idea that I may actually be a part of the process.

  5. I'm so glad your husband is doing better! Sorry I missed your last post.

    It sounds like you are getting to a good place with your therapy. Thank you for posting about it.

  6. The to tell/not to tell question is a huge one. We are in the tell camp - our child will know and all of our family and friends know. We're in a pretty lucky position that everyone has been supportive and we haven't faced any judgement. There are some colleague that know that I wish I hadn't been so forthcoming with, but we have no regrets. I think, in the case of your Dad, if you think he'll be supportive tell him, if not don't. If he finds out from someone else or it comes up later when you have a child, then you can say "oh I thought we'd told you" and move on. Sorry for the unsolicited advice!

    As to the letting go, when I went the DEIVF route there was a lot to let go of... getting pg naturally - No oops, no suprise pg announcements, no genetic link to my child - this was a tough one for me and in some ways still is so maybe I haven't completely let that go, letting go of my naivité - making myself ok with the fact that I know so much about my body and why it won't do waht it's supposed to.


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