(originally posted December 18, 2008)
In my life, I can't say that I've always gotten my way. It's a rare person who gets her way all the time. And I'm not sure living that way would be healthy.
I *can* say, though, that most everything I've wanted to achieve, I've achieved once I made up my mind that I'd try to do it. Sure, I've had dreams that I've allowed to fall by the wayside--for example, I long ago thought that I wanted to be a doctor--but by and large, when I've set out to do something, I've done it.
The things that have always been most difficult for me are those things that are elusive, that you can't do much to "get." Things like friendship, love and happiness. Even there, though, I believed that I could take affirmative steps in a direction that might lead me to those things, and I did. I changed careers so that I'd feel more satisfied at work and hopefully therefore happier with my life. I've moved. I've gone out of my way to meet people and to date.
Though you can't make someone be a friend, I am fortunate to have many people in my life today who deservedly bear the title. In that area of my life, I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve. Despite the elusiveness of both love and happiness, I eventually found both. I love MM and have a wonderful relationship (and now marriage) with him. I am happy with my life.
Now, though, I am in pursuit of something that is turning out to be equally elusive. . . . and just like I did when searching for love and happiness, I am having a devil of a time accepting that this is not something that I can "get." I guess I am too much of a controller or a concrete thinker or something. I find it next to impossible to "let things happen" or to "just relax" or "let go and let God." Pick your phrase: no matter how you word it, I am not a passive person who can accept the will of the universe.
But I need to be. I need to learn to "accept the things I cannot change."
I'll be damned if I know how to do it. . . .