Uncharacteristic

I've noticed that some of my behavior in approaching our upcoming DE IVF cycle has been uncharacteristic of me.  Usually I want to know everything I can about how a process will work as soon as I can know it.  Given that this is my usual m.o., one might think that I would already know exactly what medications I will be taking for our cycle, including the doses and how long I will be on them.  But I don't.

I do have a vague general idea that I will be taking lu.pron, est.rog.en, and prog.est.erone, as well as perhaps some other medications, but I haven't asked our nurse any questions so far about what exactly I'll be taking and when.  I have an appointment at St. Mungo's this Friday, and I figure she will tell me then.

Also, although I think of the SHG I'm having Friday as something of a formality--I've never had any identified uterine abnormality in the past and have no reason to think I have one now--I realize that it is a prerequisite to starting our cycle.  So I imagine St. Mungo's doesn't see the point in spelling out the entire medication protocol for the cycle before we know for sure that it's a go.

Usually I crave control, and one of the ways I try to achieve at least the illusion of control is by having a lot of information.  In this situation, though, I don't have a lot of specific information.  I am being very "go with the flow," and it's quite unlike me.

I think I've just decided that the time has come to let go and accept that I can't control this process.  To the extent that I was able to influence the outcome at all, I have already done so in the ways I could actually control.  I did a lot of research to find a top clinic.  I have educated myself fully about what using DE entails, both in the short and long term.  I am doing everything I can to optimize my health: losing weight, exercising, getting enough sleep, taking supplements, meditation (sort of--I'm using circle + bloom).

I guess I've just decided on some level that I've come to the point where I have to trust that the decisions I've made that have led me to this place--to DE IVF, to this particular clinic--were good decisions.  And now I have to rely on the clinic and doctor I have carefully chosen to take care of the rest.

I am also feeling optimistic that this cycle will work, and sad to say, I think this is also uncharacteristic of the mental attitude I've had toward our past treatment cycles.  No matter how much I tried to keep a positive attitude before--and even though I always had SOME hope they would work, or I wouldn't have been doing them--I'll admit that I was anticipating failure much more than success.  Blame that on my logical, rational mind which FAR outweighs the emotional part of me: when I'm told something has a 10% or 20% chance of working, I immediately conclude that there is therefore a 80-90% chance it WON'T work.  And it would be illogical to think that something which is 4-5 times more likely to fail than to succeed is actually going to work.

I understand that clinic success rates don't mean much to an individual patient.  A pathologist who was an expert witness in a case once told me that looking at success rates can be misleading.  (He was talking about cancer cure rates, but the same logic applies.)  Even if a certain stage of cancer has a 99% cure rate, that doesn't mean much to each individual patient.  Rather, it means that if you look at 100 people with this diagnosis, 99 of them will be fully cured.  So for each of these 99 people, the cure rate is actually 100%, while for the 1 person in 100 who isn't cured, the cure rate is 0.

Intellectually, I get that the same argument would apply equally to IVF success rates.  All an 85% success rate means is that, if you look at 100 couples doing this procedure, 85 of them will achieve a live birth.  A DE IVF cycle will either work for us, or it won't.  As to us specifically, the success rate will be either 100% or 0. 

But I find it easier to believe that something that works for 85% of people will work for use than that something that works for 10-20% of people will.  (There's that logic creeping in again.)

Although I am optimistic, at the same time I do have an occasional thought of "What if this doesn't work?"  I truly don't know where we will go from here.  I do know that it will be a miserable several months paying off the money we borrowed for this cycle before we can even realistically consider any other options.

I hope the fact that I am approaching this cycle in an uncharacteristic manner bodes well for its success.  We shall see.