Monday, May 2, 2011

Uncharacteristic

I've noticed that some of my behavior in approaching our upcoming DE IVF cycle has been uncharacteristic of me.  Usually I want to know everything I can about how a process will work as soon as I can know it.  Given that this is my usual m.o., one might think that I would already know exactly what medications I will be taking for our cycle, including the doses and how long I will be on them.  But I don't.

I do have a vague general idea that I will be taking lu.pron, est.rog.en, and prog.est.erone, as well as perhaps some other medications, but I haven't asked our nurse any questions so far about what exactly I'll be taking and when.  I have an appointment at St. Mungo's this Friday, and I figure she will tell me then.

Also, although I think of the SHG I'm having Friday as something of a formality--I've never had any identified uterine abnormality in the past and have no reason to think I have one now--I realize that it is a prerequisite to starting our cycle.  So I imagine St. Mungo's doesn't see the point in spelling out the entire medication protocol for the cycle before we know for sure that it's a go.

Usually I crave control, and one of the ways I try to achieve at least the illusion of control is by having a lot of information.  In this situation, though, I don't have a lot of specific information.  I am being very "go with the flow," and it's quite unlike me.

I think I've just decided that the time has come to let go and accept that I can't control this process.  To the extent that I was able to influence the outcome at all, I have already done so in the ways I could actually control.  I did a lot of research to find a top clinic.  I have educated myself fully about what using DE entails, both in the short and long term.  I am doing everything I can to optimize my health: losing weight, exercising, getting enough sleep, taking supplements, meditation (sort of--I'm using circle + bloom).

I guess I've just decided on some level that I've come to the point where I have to trust that the decisions I've made that have led me to this place--to DE IVF, to this particular clinic--were good decisions.  And now I have to rely on the clinic and doctor I have carefully chosen to take care of the rest.

I am also feeling optimistic that this cycle will work, and sad to say, I think this is also uncharacteristic of the mental attitude I've had toward our past treatment cycles.  No matter how much I tried to keep a positive attitude before--and even though I always had SOME hope they would work, or I wouldn't have been doing them--I'll admit that I was anticipating failure much more than success.  Blame that on my logical, rational mind which FAR outweighs the emotional part of me: when I'm told something has a 10% or 20% chance of working, I immediately conclude that there is therefore a 80-90% chance it WON'T work.  And it would be illogical to think that something which is 4-5 times more likely to fail than to succeed is actually going to work.

I understand that clinic success rates don't mean much to an individual patient.  A pathologist who was an expert witness in a case once told me that looking at success rates can be misleading.  (He was talking about cancer cure rates, but the same logic applies.)  Even if a certain stage of cancer has a 99% cure rate, that doesn't mean much to each individual patient.  Rather, it means that if you look at 100 people with this diagnosis, 99 of them will be fully cured.  So for each of these 99 people, the cure rate is actually 100%, while for the 1 person in 100 who isn't cured, the cure rate is 0.

Intellectually, I get that the same argument would apply equally to IVF success rates.  All an 85% success rate means is that, if you look at 100 couples doing this procedure, 85 of them will achieve a live birth.  A DE IVF cycle will either work for us, or it won't.  As to us specifically, the success rate will be either 100% or 0. 

But I find it easier to believe that something that works for 85% of people will work for use than that something that works for 10-20% of people will.  (There's that logic creeping in again.)

Although I am optimistic, at the same time I do have an occasional thought of "What if this doesn't work?"  I truly don't know where we will go from here.  I do know that it will be a miserable several months paying off the money we borrowed for this cycle before we can even realistically consider any other options.

I hope the fact that I am approaching this cycle in an uncharacteristic manner bodes well for its success.  We shall see.

8 comments:

  1. I think all this means is that you are in a good place emotionally and mentally! This will only help you with your cycle! I'm sure the nurse will give you the full medication protocol printout once you see her this Friday.
    It's getting close!

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  2. Hi, I recently came across your blog ... from where, I can't remember ... but I was interested to follow along.

    I too faced infertility ... for about 10 years. I however did not seek medical help until we had tried on our own for most of the 10 years.

    Upon learning that our only real option was to try with donor eggs, I was crushed at the knowledge I would probably not have my own biological children. I immediately set out to learn everything I could before proceeding.

    Sorry for the long story, but I wanted to make a point. Our doctor required us to get counseling before we could proceed ... in that process we came across several women who were advocating for children of DE not be told of the fact they were not biologically related. Their main reason ... we take something that is really personal for our child and share it with the world without them ever giving consent. We take away their choice for others not to know.

    That immediately struck a chord with us. We had already shared all our infertility news with everyone who cared and now there seemed no way to take it back. I had presonally known many friends who were adopted and I always cringed when ever their parents announced to everyone that they were adopted ... I always felt it was singling them out as NOT a family member and worse ... not giving them the choice of who they wanted to have this information.

    I just wanted to share a different perspective ... and one I don't see many people even contemplating.

    For us personally ... we decided that we would do 2 rounds of IVF using our own eggs, then move to DE. We told everyone this was our plan and completely ceased giving out any more info. We know have 3 beautiful children and our house is full ... but whenever anyone asks for details, we tell them that it's information for our children to share ... in the future .. their choice ... but for anyone who truly paid attention ... we were pregnant on our second IVF attempt.

    Sorry to be so long winded ...

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  3. Just getting caught up with my blog friends.. So great that you are moving forward with such a big step. Sounds like you are in a really good place, going with the flow. I am so optimistic and hopeful for you!!! Hugs~ CeCe

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  4. Great S, I am glad you are in a sense going with the flow and you are optimistic! I would be too with those odds. Good luck!

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  5. It seems you are at a peaceful place and taking everything in stride with one step at a time. It sure can't hurt a thing!

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  6. I think it is great that you can just let go a little. I have been both ways in my IVF cycles and letting go is certainly easier. I try to remind myself that I am in good hands and that my RE and medical team know much more than I do so I need to let them do their jobs. Easier said than done. I find all this to be a giant roller coaster ride, so we are here to hold your hand thru the ups and downs of this.
    I feel very hopeful for you!!!!!!!!!

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  7. I am very science and detail oriented (Heh, Bio Girl...obviously I am ) but I did the exact same thing with our first IVF. I just rolled with it. I am a little different with this FET, but I think that is because this is our LAST CHANCE for baby #2 and I just don't want any regrets.

    Do what works best for you in the moment. Your method worked out rather well for me and my IVF :)

    PS. I am here from Cycle Sista's. We are doing our FET in June!

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  8. I like your attitude! Sounds like you are in a great emotional space. Hope the shg goes well on Friday.

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