Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The way I was

I used to think that whenever I was ready to get pregnant, it would happen in fairly short order.  (Why else was I always so careful about birth control over so many years?)

I used to think that I would be one of those women who continued to be fertile well into her late 30s.  I had precedents for this in both my grandmothers, each of whom conceived and delivered children after age 35.

I used to talk with MM about what we would name our child/ren.

I used to think about how I would decorate my baby's nursery and the clothes I would buy her/him.

I used to think about the pros and cons of getting pregnant, and delivering, at different times of the year, wondering which would be most convenient for me and best for timing my future child's birthday.

I used to love to hear all about my parenting friends' children, pregnancies, and birth stories.  (Because I love children and because I figured I would have my own stories to share "someday.")

I used to think I *could* plan my future to be as I wanted it to be.

I used to believe that there is a benevolent God who has a plan for my life.

I used to think that working hard would be rewarded.

I used to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to.

I used to think that if I made good choices, the *right* choices, eventually life would fall together.

I used to view myself as successful, confident and healthy.
 
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Today, two years and three months after stopping birth control and beginning to TTC, I don't do anything of these things anymore.  Infertility has changed the way I view the world and the way I think about myself and about others.

At this point, I honestly don't know if I can ever do these things again. . . . even if we are eventually able to have a baby of our own.

6 comments:

  1. I know what you mean. Infertility changes you, permanently. I laugh when I think back to how I "planned" to have a baby as soon as I finished taking the bar exam, thinking that I would surely get pregnant on command. Hang in there, girl.

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  2. I miss the way I was too...I hope you get your old self back.

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  3. First off, you are successful, confident and healthy. Period. With or without child.

    But sadly, I know what you mean. IF sucks!

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  4. I pretty much could've written this post!

    Last night while watching tv I caught myself thinking about how I liked a character's name. Two+ years ago I would've immediately added it to my list of possible baby names. That's not me anymore. I still have the list but it hasn't been added to or looked at in ages. Yesterday, (on CD2) I put the thought out of my mind and berated myself a bit for letting the thought creep in.

    I usually think of IF as the big shadow that hangs over everything. Going a little deeper into that analogy gets me thinking: under shadows, without sunlight things fail to thrive. I'm inspired to write my own post about what has changed. What in my life has stopped thriving. Thank you

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  5. i completely agree with you about all of those things! i wonder sometimes how much $ i could have saved on BCP's when obviously I didn't need them at all. I have been of BC since 2004 and have not had even one pregnancy without medical intervention.

    hugs...

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  6. Gurlee, you are very kind. Unfortunately, I no longer view myself as successful, confident or healthy. I have "failed" at the most important endeavor; my body has let me down.

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