The way I was

I used to think that whenever I was ready to get pregnant, it would happen in fairly short order.  (Why else was I always so careful about birth control over so many years?)

I used to think that I would be one of those women who continued to be fertile well into her late 30s.  I had precedents for this in both my grandmothers, each of whom conceived and delivered children after age 35.

I used to talk with MM about what we would name our child/ren.

I used to think about how I would decorate my baby's nursery and the clothes I would buy her/him.

I used to think about the pros and cons of getting pregnant, and delivering, at different times of the year, wondering which would be most convenient for me and best for timing my future child's birthday.

I used to love to hear all about my parenting friends' children, pregnancies, and birth stories.  (Because I love children and because I figured I would have my own stories to share "someday.")

I used to think I *could* plan my future to be as I wanted it to be.

I used to believe that there is a benevolent God who has a plan for my life.

I used to think that working hard would be rewarded.

I used to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to.

I used to think that if I made good choices, the *right* choices, eventually life would fall together.

I used to view myself as successful, confident and healthy.
 
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Today, two years and three months after stopping birth control and beginning to TTC, I don't do anything of these things anymore.  Infertility has changed the way I view the world and the way I think about myself and about others.

At this point, I honestly don't know if I can ever do these things again. . . . even if we are eventually able to have a baby of our own.