If I had a dollar for every time in the past few months I have felt bitter that other people I know are parents while I am not, MM and I could go out for a nice dinner. Some mornings, when I check Fac.ebo.ok and see yet another pregnancy announcement, or ultrasound photo of a fetus, or baby picture, I want to post "Why do some people get to make babies at will while others are denied this basic function?" or something like that. (Bitterness level varies day to day, so the tone of what I would write varies, too.)
Yes, I know that parenthood is not all lollipops and rainbows, and yes, I know that life as we know it would change dramatically if/when we become parents. Knowing these things does not prevent me from wanting to experience motherhood myself. I have had 39+ years of freedom to be selfish. I am more than ready to make the sacrifices necessary to be a parent. Truth be told, I've been ready for years, even before meeting MM.
I am also bitter that I have to consider things such as donor egg IVF, which I wrote about in my latest post. I know I should be grateful that such a procedure is even able to help us become parents (even though at a very high cost), and on some level I probably am or will be, but at the moment, I am more bitter that our desire to have a baby of our own has led us to have to consider such alternatives.
[Oh, and to the commenter on the last post who pointed out that it was clear I am a lawyer from my analysis of the pros and cons. . . . actually, I thought things through in the same type of logical fashion before I was a lawyer. I guess it's true what a friend once told me: real lawyers are born, not educated.]
I am bitter that our only chances at parenthood will be the result of spending tens of thousands of dollars and will not involve fun, passionate sex. I am bitter than my body, which has already failed me in a way by its tendency to be overweight, despite my efforts to make it otherwise, has now failed to carry out its most basic biological function: to procreate.
I am bitter about the toll infertility has already taken on me. . . . the thousands of dollars we've spent, the focus and energy it has stolen from other activities in my life which were/are meaningful to me, the way it has shaken my confidence in myself and tested my faith in the ideas that hard work will be rewarded and that there is a benevolent God. I'm bitter about the fact that I can no longer be wholeheartedly happy for anyone I know who gets pregnant unless I know that she has struggled with infertility or loss first. I am bitter that others' lives seem to be moving forward while we are stuck, stagnant.
Bitter is not me. I am not an envious person by nature. While I am no Pollyanna and have had my moments of pessimism, I have usually been confident in my ability to affect positive change in my life. And prior to this, my efforts have usually been rewarded.
At this point, I'm not sure how to stop being bitter. I have dealt with the disappointment and heartache of infertility for so long that I'm not sure even getting (miraculously) pregnant would bring me back to my old self. (Although, I'd love to find out. . . . )
For now, I think the best I can do is focus on other things at which there is more of a chance I will be successful. Focus on my career, focus on (once again) losing weight, focus on doing the things I enjoy and being grateful for the many good things already in my life: my marriage, my family, my dogs, my friends, my general health.
On that note. . . . I am off to my job interview. Time to put on a happy face.