Thy Will Be Done

As I suspected, when our clinic's nurse called me back on Sunday, she suggested that I go ahead and trigger and that we do timed intercourse since we were unable to do an IUI this cycle. MM and I dutifully had sex Sunday night, last night, and will do it again tonight, just to make sure all our bases are covered. (Though I probably ovulated sometime yesterday or during the night last night, based on my + OPK and trigger shot.) This despite the fact that I was absolutely exhausted from noon on Sunday until bedtime last night--think I was fighting off some bug--and had horrible lower abdominal bloating and discomfort following my trigger shot.

While conversing with my hairstylist about a completely unrelated topic on Saturday, I made an observation about prayer that I later realized is equally applicable to TTC. (Yeah, I have some weirdly deep discussions with my hairstylist, a very cool, happily-partnered gay man who I've known for nearly 10 years.) I opined that, if one is praying for something for oneself sincerely and in hope of having the prayer answered, there are really only two acceptable things for which to pray: that G-d's will be done, and that He will grant you the grace to accept whatever is supposed to happen. The fact of the matter is, few of us pray for just these two things, myself included. Praying for any specific thing to happen implies that our wishes or desires are superior to G-d's plan for us, that we know better than He what we need.

Since we have been TTC, many cycles I have prayed (and others have prayed on my behalf) that I would get pregnant. In light of this conversation, and my reflection upon it afterwards, this cycle I only prayed that G-d's will would be done and that He would grant me the grace to accept the outcome of this cycle, whatever that may be.

(I should mention here that MM doesn't believe in prayer and therefore has never been one of those who has prayed that I would get pregnant.)

I've been feeling weirdly optimistic about this cycle, though each time I notice a positive thought crossing my mind, I almost immediately think that allowing myself to hope is just setting myself up for a greater disappointment if/when the cycle is a (nother) failure.

One other semi-TTC-related thing: I wrote a post recently about learning of a friend's second pregnancy at a mutual friend's baby shower. A few days ago, I learned that my friend "L," who is 21 or 22 weeks pregnant, found out last week that the baby she is carrying has a number of genetic abnormalities that will make it impossible for her to survive outside the womb. In fact, L's doctors have told her that it is likely that the baby will die in utero, long before she reaches term. After seeking the advice of several different high risk OB/GYNs and geneticists, who all agreed that the baby is not viable, L is in the unimaginably sad position of having to deliver a baby girl who will not live. Such a sad, sad situation. L and her husband have an adorable 20-month-old son and were so excited to be giving him a baby sister.

There are definitely some things worse than being unable to conceive. . . .