Thursday, June 4, 2009

Random thoughts

I took my first dose of Clomid for this cycle last night. For the first time, I felt a little flushed an hour or so after taking it. But to be fair, I live in a desert where the daytime high yesterday was 104 and had just taken the goldens to the park for 45 minutes, so I can't be entirely sure that my hot flash was a medication side effect.

Also, I woke up before 4 a.m. today with a headache. . . . but again, this does happen to me once in a while, even without Clomid (and in fact, had just happened on Tuesday of this week also). Mood, etc., all fine, normal.

Yet another Facebook friend of mine from law school announced her (second) pregnancy yesterday. I swear, my FB friends are a fertile bunch! I counted the other day and have 45 friends on FB who have children under age 3 and/or are pregnant. . . . and I purposely excluded women I know in that category solely because of our own TTC efforts (they would bring the total to 54).

I suppose it makes sense that a lot of people are pregnant or have little ones, given that the majority of women of my acquaintance are between the ages of 28 and 40. This particular classmate is in her early 30s and has a 3-year-old son already. I'm happy for her.

I couldn't help but think, though: does the world really want lawyers reproducing at this rate? LOL

Weirdly, I am beginning to feel more OK with the idea of not having a child of our own. That's not to say that I have lost my desire for a child or that I am ready to give up trying (though some days, I wonder). No, I want to be a mother as much as I ever have. . . . probably more because I have waited so long and am in a place in my life where I think I could do a bang-up job at parenting now, as opposed to some earlier times in my life.

It's hard to clearly express my feelings on the subject. Maybe the best way to explain it is to say: I think I am realizing that eventually I will be OK and my life will still be a happy one, even if it never includes motherhood. I have so much in my life that is good, and though I know I will mourn the loss of "what might have been" if we are not successful with TTC, I believe that eventually I will move past that loss and go on with my life.

I feel like I've been waiting so long already, even though we have only been TTC for 14 months. I think that's partly a function of waiting until age 37 to start TTC: I've wanted to be a mom since my early 20s. The difference now is that I'm waiting while actively working toward the goal, rather than waiting for the right partner, the right time, the right situation. Still, the years of waiting for that right partner, time and situation are not forgotten and had to be lived through.

I never thought I'd be in this position. And it often seems to me something of a cruel irony that by making the "right" choices in my life--by pursuing education and a career and by waiting to marry someone I could truly make a lifelong commitment to--I may have allowed the opportunity to have what I wanted most pass me by.

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that you're in this position. You can't blame yourself for your infertility- it is not the choices you made that caused it, it is just bad luck. Having children with the wrong person probably wouldn't have made you happier than having no children with the right partner. I am really hoping the IUIs work for you, maybe this is the lucky cycle. My RE told me that 50% of his patients got pregnant from IUI (obviously not including people with tubal issues or severe sperm issues).

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love this post. Your honesty about how very difficult this has been and yet the positive attitude you are fighting to hang on to. Sounds like you are doing a great job and it's really encouraging so thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Because we are "unexplained," there's now ay to be sure that waiting isn't what caused our problems: our RE has offered no explanation for our inability to conceive except my age. But who knows?

    And much as I love my husband, I'm not sure that having a child with someone else or alone wouldn't have made me happier than marrying him. I never would've met my husband if I'd had a child at, say, 30, because my life would have gone in a completely different direction.

    I always wanted to be a mom way more than I wanted to be a wife, so it's quite ironic to me that I have "achieved" the latter but not the former.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh the irony of it all! i am in the same boat! although i was married before, i didn't find the "right one" until i was 36 and had been single for awhile! education, check. career, check. great husband/parenting partner, check. financial stability, check. baby? hello? baby? family, children - nope, not ringing any bells over here.

    gah.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments! Just one caution: if you want to leave a negative comment on this blog, I would ask that you question the motive for doing so; I will not publish it. Thanks.