What if I never become a mother?

I am writing this post as part of Project IF in commemoration of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge. Hundreds of additional "what ifs" shared by others in the ALI community can be found here.

I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Even as a teenager, I used to think about my future children. At that age, I thought my future children would come into my life when I was in my late 20s/early 30s, but the thought that I might not be a mother never really crossed my mind.

And yet I never made achieving motherhood a priority until recently. As I have written here before, throughout my 20s, as I moved around, began and ended romantic relationships, and ultimately went back to school for a career change, I naively thought I would have all the time I needed to get pregnant when the time was right. When I was settled in one place that I could make my home, when I met the right man (father), when I was financially secure, I would simply stop using birth control and, in short order, become pregnant.

Clearly things have not gone according to plan.

If I never become a mother, I suppose, as my mother has always told me, I will just "do other things with [my] time." I wrote at length here about the upside of not being a parent, and I don't doubt that there is one. . . I just don't think, for me, that the upside is much of a compensation for being childless. I think any honest parent will tell you, though they longed for and love their children, that being a parent is a different life from what you had before or from what you would have if you had never had a child.

On the other hand, if I never become a mother, there are so many things I will miss. I will never get to feel my baby moving inside me. I will never get to give birth or breast feed.

I will never hear a little voice call me "Mommy" or say "I love you." I will never get to relate the funny things my child says and does to my sister and to my parents. I will never watch my child sleeping, or hold and comfort her when she is afraid or sad. I will never know the satisfaction of watching my child start school, master skills, and someday grow up and leave my home.

I will never know the fulfillment of nurturing another human being and helping him grow into the person he is supposed to become. I will never see parts of myself, or my husband, or my parents in our child. My in-laws will never be grandparents, and I will never have my own grandchildren.

I will never know that common bond with other women who have shared the experience of motherhood. I will never be able to contribute to a conversation about children by sharing my own experiences as a parent.

In short, I will miss out one of the most life-changing experiences anyone could hope to have.

What if, through the help of ART, I am able to conceive and to give birth to a healthy, living child of our own? What if our current treatment cycle works? What if I do become a mother after all?

It is that hope that makes me keep trying.

To learn the basics about infertility, go here.

#200

I can hardly believe that this is my 200th post! Wow. Who'd have thought I'd have this much TTC-related stuff to write about. ;-)

I posted last week about attending an infertility support group. Though a lot of what the support group leader was talking about last Monday was stuff I didn't "get" or that did not resonate with me, one thing she talked about that did is the idea letting go of attachment to the outcome. Easier said than done, or as I read somewhere, letting go is "simple but not easy."

When we met with our RE last Friday, MM told him that one reason we'd taken a long-ish break was that the treatment cycles were harder for him than our TTC-on-our-own cycles because his disappointment was so much greater when they failed. He talked about how angry he would be when the HPT was negative or when my period arrived and how that anger was greatly increased when we'd spent "so much time, energy and money to achieve a pregnancy."

Our RE's response, which did not come across as flippant and simplistic as it will sound as you are reading this, was "it doesn't help to get angry, and when there is an 85% chance that the treatment won't work, you should be expecting that outcome." True, but easier said than done, right? He does know of what he speaks, though, because in addition to being an experienced RE, he and his wife conceived their 2nd and 3rd children (twins) via IVF. He's literally been there, on both sides, patient and physician.

After hearing their exchange, I recalled what the group leader had said on the subject. I have been ruminating about since, and I think it's right. One of the biggest things that causes me to obsess during treatment cycles is my attachment to the outcome of a cycle. With proper scheduling and structure, I can do all the things I have to do in a treatment cycle without thinking about TTC all the time. The real reason I obsess is because I want the outcome--a pregnancy, with a healthy, living baby at the end--so badly.

So I am making that my project for this cycle: letting go of my attachment to the outcome. I can only do what I can do, and what will be, will be. We can do everything "right" and follow the RE's treatment plan, and we may still never have a baby. The outcome is completely outside my control.

I am coming to slow acceptance of the idea that we may never achieve a pregnancy together which will result in our bringing home our own healthy, living child. While I cannot say that I am OK with that, I know that life will go on regardless and that it will be good. Different, perhaps, from what I had planned and anticipated, but still good.

In this sense, I am in a very different place emotionally, mentally, than I was when we started our first treatment cycle last April. And given where I am today, I no longer think it's a good use of my energy to spend all my time wishing/hoping/praying for something that may or may not come to us.

What if I just accept what is and what will be, without trying to control the outcome? I want to learn how that will feel.

Quick u/s update

I had my CD 3 u/s this morning, and it showed no cysts and "lots" of resting follicles. (The nurse did not count the follicles because her aim was to check for cysts.)

So I have my drugs and will be starting them this evening. My next monitoring appointment is on May 6, CD 11.

Thought for the day: why oh why does Follistim have to be so expensive? My little 400-unit cartridge was over $260!

Gotta get to work. . . .

NIAW

I had to post a link to this video here for those who may not have seen it. A beautiful and poignant look at the many "what if?"s we all ponder. Warning: this video may well bring you to tears (it did me).

Protocol for IUI #3.1

I got the call from our clinic a little while ago. The nurse who called is my "favorite" NP there; she did both of my IUIs and has done a few of my monitoring appointments as well. She was also the one who called me with my first beta result back in August when I had my first-ever (and so-far-only) BFP, and was thus the first person to give me a heads up that, though I was technically pregnant, I was likely miscarrying (and she was right). Nurse Favorite remembered me and was very friendly, as usual.

(Oh, and BTW: Nurse Favorite is 33 weeks pregnant. With her fourth child. Her oldest is 7. I guess she's not working at the clinic for the employee discount. LOL This means that she was pregnant--just barely--when she did my last IUI. Why couldn't some of her fertility have rubbed off on me? ;-) )

Because my last treatment cycle in late November caused a 30.5-mm follicle, there is a chance that this caused a cyst, and that must be ruled out before I start any drugs, since they can aggravate an existing cyst. So before I can even get started on this cycle, I have to go in for a cyst check u/s on Wednesday.

Assuming my u/s on Wednesday is clear, my protocol for this cycle will be:

**Clomid 50 mg each evening CD 3 through CD 7 (Wednesday through Sunday)
**Follistim injections in the following doses:
--125 units on CD 3
--100 units on CD 4
--75 units on CD 6 and on CD 8
--50 units on CD 10
**hCG trigger when instructed
**Progesterone gel vaginally each evening for two weeks following IUI or timed intercourse
**Checking OPKs daily before 11:00 a.m. each day beginning on CD 8

My mid-cycle monitoring u/s will be on CD 11, Thursday May 6. Our RE said I could decide at the mid-cycle u/s whether we want to proceed with IUI or just go with timed intercourse.

I am crossing my fingers that I do not have a cyst on that right ovary. I will be really annoyed if I do, since the treatment cycle that will have caused it was a complete waste of time and money (and will lead to further delay). I guess if I do have a cyst, I will have to take medication to shrink it before I can do any more stims.

Stay tuned.

CD 1, take ?

AF has arrived. I just placed my cycle day one call to our clinic's nurse line and am awaiting a call back.

Will post more when I have a plan.

RE visit

As planned, MM and I had a sit-down appointment with our RE today, our first in over a year. I posted a few weeks ago here about the fact that MM wanted to talk with the RE about the possibility of doing more IUIs and how much it might increase our chances of conception.

As usual, our RE was running behind schedule; we waited 35 minutes past our appointment time, despite being told at check-in that he was no more than 5-10 minutes behind. But also as usual, once we got in to see him, he took his time and discussed everything with us in detail and answered all our questions.

When asked what he would estimate our odds of conception to be currently, TTC on our own, he said he would estimate 5% per cycle. (I actually thought it was more like 2-3%, so I found this encouraging.) He noted that the chemical pregnancy I had in July/August of last year, which was the result of a break cycle, at least let us know that things are "working behind the scenes." In other words, MM's sperm are able to reach and penetrate my eggs, so there is no problem with sperm functionality and no problem with my cervical mucus. (He already knew my tubes were clear from my January '09 HSG.) The most likely barrier to pregnancy for us is the quality of my eggs, which is a result of my age. Poor egg quality (and the resulting genetic abnormalities) is the most likely reason I had the early miscarriage.

MM asked him for some "hard numbers" about what he thought our odds of conception would be with IUIs and stims. He estimated between 10-15% per cycle, noting that, at my age, the stimulation portion of the cycles is probably of greater benefit to us than the actual insemination.

We did remind the RE that we do not wish to do IVF, and he respected that. His only comment about the (relatively low) success rate of IVF at my age was that it doesn't take into account the possibility of future FETs from the eggs that would be retrieved. My lack of ovulatory issues and previous good response to stims would likely mean that he would be able to retrieve a better-than-average number of eggs. However, in looking back at my initial baseline u/s, we both noted that one of my ovaries (the left) is behind my uterus and thus inaccessible for egg retrieval, so that would almost certainly adversely affect the number of eggs that could be retrieved.

He told us that his recommendation would be to try 3-4 more IUI/stims cycles. We left the office without committing to doing anything, planning to call the office on my next CD 1 if we choose to go forward.

MM and I talked briefly after leaving the office, and we've agreed to go ahead with the 4 more IUIs for which our insurance will pay 50% of the cost. So I may be back on the treatment roller coaster here in the next few weeks.

Of course, today is CD 27 for me, and we did have well-timed intercourse this cycle, so I suppose it's not impossible that I am currently pregnant as I type this. Normally AF would be here, or close to arriving, by CD 27, but I do know from my OPKs that I probably ovulated a little later than usual this month, so I'm not feeling particularly optimistic about the fact that AF is not here and does not seem to be on her way yet. If I get to CD 32 (next Wednesday) and still no AF, then I might get hopeful.

So that's where we're at. Assuming I am not currently pregnant--and given what happened in July/August last year, I will be checking a HPT even if/when AF arrives--I will be back on Cl.omid and Fol.list.im shortly.