So. . . .

I use the "iPeriod" app on my phone to keep track of when my period is due, and I remembered seeing that I was supposed to have it over my birthday this month.  So when I realized this morning that my birthday had come and gone with no period, I checked iPeriod and found this:

Yes, I am apparently four days late.  Funny how, in years past, something like this would have gotten me very hopeful and rushing for the HPTs and now it wasn't even on my radar until I opened the iPeriod app.

Thinking back over the past month, we did have unprotected s.e.x on at least one theoretically fertile day, at least according to iPeriod.  (Honestly, we never bother with protection anymore because (1) we don't have s.e.x that often these days and (2) it seems a bit unnecessary to us.)  I say "theoretically fertile" because really?  After 40 cycles of TTC with and without medical intervention with only one chemical pregnancy to show for our efforts, I doubt that any of these "fertile" days are truly "fertile" for us anyway.

I did mention this to MM, and (in character for him) he is now mildly concerned about it.  Honestly, I would think it is far more likely that I am in peri-menopause than that I am actually pregnant, naturally, at 42, with my own egg.  But stranger things have happened, I guess.

Anyway.  I imagine my period will make its appearance here in the next day or two and put an end to this momentary diversion.

Happy Birthday to Me

I have been even busier than usual of late.  In addition to the typical stuff that fills my time, we were dealing with a leak under the kitchen sink last week which resulted in three plumbers' visits and (later) my spending nearly four hours (with some help from MM) replacing our kitchen faucet. . . in my spare time, LOL.  I have also taken on a few new cases at work, so the combination of busier-than-usual at home plus busier-than-usual at work has left me with no time to post here.

I have also been waking up with pretty bad pain in my lower back every morning.  The pain persists throughout the day, although it usually lessens as I'm up and about, but I try to avoid sitting in the evenings because I spend way too many hours sitting as it is, and I'm sure that isn't helping the situation.

Anyway. . . .

Today is my 42nd birthday.  Apart from my back pain making me miserable, I don't feel that old.  We are going to have dinner out with the boys after work, and MM and I are going out to dinner with friends on Saturday night for an adult celebration after the boys are in bed.

AJ and MJ were 14 months old on Tuesday.  They are very busy, always go, go, go.  They love going to our neighborhood park and swinging in the swings.  They had a nasty cold last week but are well now, and AJ had his third ear infection at the end of the cold.  AJ taught himself to climb on the couch this month, and MJ taught himself a few days later after seeing his brother do it.  They both say "Mama" and "Dada" and "mum-mum," and MJ has said "hat" a couple of times and "monkey" once (and not repeated since).

They both wave bye-bye now and are learning to blow kisses.  AJ now signs "more" and "all done" while eating, too.  AJ taught himself to give people kisses at 9 or 10 months old, but when you ask MJ to give you a kiss, he turns his head and leans his cheek toward you.  (That'll tell you a little about the difference in their personalities.)  MJ loves it when MM tosses him in the air.  If AJ realizes that Dada's intent is to toss him in the air, he will grab onto his hands or wrists to prevent the toss and looks decidedly uncertain about the whole thing.

AJ still has no visible teeth, and MJ still has the same six teeth he's had for months.  I keep thinking that AJ will get some teeth any day now, and based on his chewing behavior, that MJ will get more, but no new teeth this month.

We took both boys to the local children's museum a few weeks ago, and they really enjoyed it.  We will definitely be going back.

Not much else new to report.  Neither of my job interviews resulted in job offers, and I've been about 90% compliant with my diet and lost a few pounds, despite still exercising very little (this week due to my back pain).

Gotta get to work. . . .

And here is the answer to my question. . . a few years late

Back in 2010, when we were taking a break from treatment and trying to decide whether we really wanted to be parents enough to gamble $30K on a donor egg IVF cycle that might give us a chance at it, or whether we should go the adoption route (despite MM's misgivings about that option at the time), or whether we should simply resign ourselves to a childless life, I did a lot of reading and thinking about why I wanted to be a parent.  Being a rational type, I wanted to make a well-thought-out and logical decision.  (I wrote a post here asking others to share their reasons, and one of the comments there from a dear friend of mine is one of the best I'd ever heard on the topic.)

Now this article appeared on NPR this morning, and this explains so much.  Wish I could have read this research a few years ago!  Not that it would have changed my decision, or the path we took, but I think it might have helped me to understood why finding clarity on this point was so difficult.

Random Friday Thoughts

I know I wrote in yesterday's 20 Questions post that Saturday is my favorite day of the week, and that's true, but I also quite like Fridays.  I get to dress in business casual most Fridays (barring court hearings or depositions), and that generally leads to a slightly more relaxed atmosphere around the office.  Although I am usually pretty tired by Friday, I am also in the downward slide into my weekend, and that's always a good thing.

During my law school days, I seldom had classes on Fridays, and during the two semesters when I did, I was always done by mid-to-late morning.  Those were the days!  One of the perks of the government job for which I was interviewed (and am still waiting to hear about. . . the wheels turn slowly) is the possibility of a flexible work schedule that could include working four 10-hour days and having Fridays off.  I have to admit that that would be a HUGE benefit to me, given my current life.  ;-)

*****

A little Friday fill-in. . .

1. I love the feeling of that first good stretch in the morning.

2. Seeing my sons always brightens my day.

3. The birth of my sons is what I will remember the most from 2012.

4. My favorite family recipe is roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

5. When I want to spoil myself I have a full body massage.

6. Flipping Vegas is my favorite TV show.  (Currently.  This changes frequently, as I don't control the remote control in our house often.)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing and making tacos for dinner, tomorrow my plans include morning session at The Lit.tle Gym, getting our tile grout deep cleaned and date night with MM and Sunday, I want to get outside with the boys if the weather permits!  (It's been beautiful here every day this week--sunny and in the high 70s/low 80s--and now today it's raining with a forecast high of 61 and rain expected through tomorrow at least.)

*****

One last thought for the moms reading. . .Our sons are only 13 months, so needless to say, they still cry and fuss regularly, given that they can't fully communicate yet. That's totally developmentally appropriate for them and what we expect.  I don't think that AJ and MJ cry excessively or more than most other kiddos their age.

I was musing last night while I had a baby crying in each ear simultaneously for the third time that evening about when we might reasonably expect to get through our days with no crying. I'm sure this varies somewhat from child to child, but I'd be curious to hear other moms' experiences. At what age did your little one stop crying on a daily basis?

From polling friends, I've heard everything from "My little one hardly cried at all after about 18 months" to "My son is 6 and still cries almost every day over something."

I've had loads of experience with children before having my own, and I know from that experience that children obviously cry more than adults, for a few reasons.  Just wondering if there is any hope for tear-free days in our future.

20 Questions

This post is part of a PAIL Bloggers feature you can find here.

1.  What was the last thing you threw in the garbage / recycling?  The backing from two pieces of fashion tape.

2.  What's the #1 most played song on your Ipod?  Hmm.  I am not sure where my iPod is currently, but I would guess it's one of the 25 songs on my workout play list.

3.  What is your favorite quote?  I have lots of quotes I love.  My current favorite is "Before you speak ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, it is true, does it improve upon the silence?”― Shirdi Sai Baba

4.  What chore do you absolutely hate doing?  Cleaning the master bathroom shower.  I hate it because it's a glass-enclosed stall--will NEVER buy another house with one of those--and the bottom is a textured fiberglass that is nearly impossible to get looking absolutely clean.

5.  What is your favorite form of exercise?  Lifting free weights.  (Also a form of exercise I haven't done in over two years)

6.  What is your favorite time of day/day of week/month of the year?  Nowadays my favorite time of day is early morning, when I'm the only one awake.  My favorite day of the week is Saturday.  March is my favorite month of the year: my birthday, beautiful weather where I live, St. Patrick's Day, spring training and the NCAA basketball tournament.

7.  What is on your bedside table?  A book and my eyeglasses

8.  What is your favorite body part?  My head because I like my hair and my smile better than any of my other features.

9.  Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil?  Probably both

10.  If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would that be?  32.  Old enough to be taken seriously, but not "too" old.

11.  What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?  First thing I would do, after the initial shock and excitement wore off, is quit my job.  Then MM would invest a large portion of the winnings, gift some to friends, family and charity and go off the grid to avoid being hassled.

12.  What is your biggest pet peeve?  I can only pick one?  LOL.  Stupidity

13.  If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?  What is my purpose?

14.  At what age did you become an adult?  23.

15.  Recommend a book, movie or television show in 3 sentences or less.  The first book I read after my sons were born was The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot.  It is non-fiction and contains some scientific content but was still an easy and fascinating read.

16.  What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?  Oh wow.  The thing I got in the most trouble for growing up was talking back to, or sassing, my father.  I did do other things that were, ahem, questionable, but was never caught for most of them.

17.  What was the first album you bought with your own money?  Journey - Escape

18.  If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?  Gah, I have no idea

19.  What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?  I really can't think of one.

20.  True or false:  The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature.  State your case.  False.  The main things unicorn has going for it are sparkles and a cool horn.  Sure, its blood and horn are supposed to have mystical healing powers, but many other mythical creatures have far greater and more varied powers.  I would submit that dragons, fairies and werewolves are much greater than unicorns, just to name a few other mythical creatures.

Migraines Suck

And that's all I have to say about that.

Sugar & Mood

(This post is off the topic of infertility.)

I have posted recently about how I have been feeling increasingly stressed, overwhelmed and anxious (I wrote about this topic in the most detail in this post).  Things got so unbearable for me that I have actually been to a couple of sessions with a counselor to try to deal with these feelings, which were physiological in addition to being psychological.

The middle of last week, I also started a very-low carb diet.  For about 8 days now, I have had no sugar or white flour whatsoever, no fruit, and actually very little whole grains either.  (I won't eat like this forever, but I'm in the introductory phase of this eating plan, and it requires eliminating these foods for a while.  I will eventually reintroduce whole grains and fruit, at least.)

Prior to starting this diet, my eating habits were not great but not terrible.  One of the worst habits I had developed was eating candy or other sweets at my desk during the day as a way to cope with my stress.  When you work in an office, these types of foods are all too readily available, and it's often a nice break to get away from your desk for a walk to the coffee shop downstairs to buy a caffe mocha and a scone or muffin.

About three or four days into this eating plan, I noticed that most of the physical symptoms of anxiety that I had previously described-- the tight feeling in my chest, racing heart, heartburn/indigestion, and feelings of impending doom--were gone.  Poof.  Just like that.  This realization came to me in the middle of a day when I was very busy at work (and thus would normally and rationally expect to feel stressed) and also simultaneously was dealing with a major problem in my personal life (something that, were I to choose to write about it, would need a post of its own to explain).

As I have continued to eat this way, not much has changed in my life--in fact, I think an argument could be made that a few areas have gotten worse, like work, where I have been even busier lately than usual--and yet my (physical) feelings of anxiety and stress seem to be gone!  Yes, I do believe that therapy can be helpful, but I will honestly say that I don't think that much can be accomplished in two sessions.  And I think that is especially true in this instance, where I know that I spent the first session with the counselor just laying out the problem and the second session talking mostly about a fight I'd had with my husband earlier that day.  There really is not any other logical explanation in my mind for the change except the drastic change in my eating habits.

This realization about the potential link between my diet and my moods led me to do a goo.gle search on the topic, and guess what?  I guess I'm just an uninformed bonehead on this subject, because apparently others are well aware of this.  Check this out (I found this quote here).  I have bolded the symptoms I was experiencing.

Eating lots of sugar is going to give you sudden peaks and troughs in the amount of glucose in your blood; symptoms that this is going on include fatigue, irritability, dizziness, insomnia, excessive sweating (especially at night), poor concentration and forgetfulness, excessive thirst, depression and crying spells, digestive disturbances and blurred vision. Since the brain depends on an even supply of glucose it is no surprise to find that sugar has been implicated in aggressive behavior, anxiety, and depression, and fatigue.

Do I still sometimes feel overwhelmed?  Yes.  Do I still sometimes having racing thoughts, or feel tearful?  Yes.  But I believe I am doing a better job of managing these psychological symptoms without the physiological symptoms that previously accompanied them.  (Oh, and as an added benefit, I have lost a few pounds already, too.)

Meanwhile, I continue to work on the other things in my life that I think have been contributing to my stress.  My job search continues, MM and I are working our marriage, I have actually exercised twice this week, and I am procrastinating less at work (partly of necessity, as I have been extra busy).  I am making a conscious effort to spend time with friends I haven't seen for a while and to take time for myself when I can.

Knowing this makes me want to never eat sugar again, regardless of how much I love a good piece of chocolate cake (or brownie, or fudge, or quality dark chocolate, or. . . you get the idea).  I am just so glad to be feeling more normal again!