(Not infertility related, feel free to skip.)
Even before my friend MH's murder a couple of weeks ago, but especially since that event, I find myself wondering how much stress I can take before I break. Most days, I wake up feeling OK (some days better than others, but generally OK). But by some point in the day, I find myself experiencing unpleasant physical manifestations of stress and anxiety. Exactly what these sensations are and exactly when they start varies from day to day, but there hasn't been a single day in months--even on weekends--when I haven't spent some portion of the day with a tight feeling in my chest, racing heart, heartburn/indigestion, feelings of impending doom, racing thoughts and/or crying.
Sometimes I have a few hours of feeling OK in the mornings, or longer on weekends, and I sometimes "get it together" again later in the day (again, more often on weekends). But I can't remember the last time I had a day when I didn't spend a significant portion of it feeling overwhelmed and majorly stressed out. These feelings are worse at work and better when I'm at home with my sons. . . but even when I'm with my sons, I am rarely totally relaxed and happy these days. (Sad but true.)
Yes, I know I have a lot going on, but this is NOT typical for me. I have worked in high-stress jobs for the entirety of both my professional careers, and I have always juggled a lot outside of work as well. I have often dealt with unpleasant crap in my personal life on top of all that, too. (Example: my father and I went without speaking entirely for eight months when I was in law school. Oh, and I think I forgot to mention here that we are not speaking currently either.)
And I haven't always been like this since the boys were born. When I first returned to work when my sons were 10 weeks old, I missed them and felt sad at being away from them, and I felt like I was juggling a lot. But I was coping with everything and was generally happy. I certainly didn't feel stressed out in the way that I do now.
Nowadays, any little thing out of the ordinary that comes up can throw me into a tailspin. I mean the kind of annoyances and inconveniences that we all deal with in daily life--like an accident on the freeway blocking traffic and making my commute double its usual length, a non-working washing machine, an extra appointment (like a trip to the pediatrician for a sick child or today's appointment with our CPA)--can completely throw me off kilter and ruin my day.
I find myself nearly unable to cope with any deviation from my usual routine. Also very unlike me. I have never been a "go with the flow" kind of person, but I never used to be so rigid and unable to adjust. It's gotten to where I don't even want to schedule lunch or weekend outings with many of my friends because I just.can't.bear the thought of adding one more thing to my schedule.
I am not entirely sure why I have been feeling this way, but I know I cannot go on like this indefinitely. So I have contacted a counselor and will be going in for an appointment on Friday evening (the only time I could fit into my schedule).
As I said, I hate the idea of adding anything extra into my schedule, but I am guessing that having a complete mental breakdown will be a much bigger inconvenience than a counseling session or two.