Lately it seems that everywhere I turn, someone else is pregnant or has recently had a baby. Although it's human nature to notice these things more when struggling with infertility, I know that this is not my imagination or a skewed perception based on my own struggles. It is just bizarre!
MM and I take our dog Sebastian (and now our new dog Hunter, also) to the park every evening after dark. (OK, to be more accurate: MM takes Sebastian every night, and since we agreed to get Hunter, I have been going every night also, but only went sporadically before.) Sebastian has made a few dog "friends" at the park. The last two dog friends he has made have had couples for owners. . . . in both instances, people a few years younger than us who are also newly married and who we could see ourselves befriending. MM and I don't have many "couple friends."
The first couple were an event photographer and a registered nurse. (I am a former registered nurse myself.) Our dogs played together so well, and we spent several pleasant occasions chatting with them. MM thought it might be fun to hang out with them and get to know them better. Then about 6 weeks ago, they shared that she is pregnant and due in September. We don't see them much any more now, probably because she is often tired and in bed by the time we arrive at the park (rarely before 8:30 p.m.). It's probably just as well. After they shared their good news with us, my comment to MM on the walk home was "well, I guess we won't be hanging out with them," and he agreed.
MM met the next couple on his own before I met them. He really liked them. The husband had lived in Chicago at one time, as did MM, and the wife is a lawyer like me (and even attended the same law school). He told me about them and their dog and how he thought it might be fun to get to know them better.
We ran into the husband of couple #2 at one of our last park visits with just Sebastian last week before bringing Hunter home. As the dogs played and the three of us chatted, he shared that he was alone because his wife was home in bed. Seems she was really tired due to being 6 weeks pregnant. Huh.
Like most people, I have a lot of "friends" on Facebook who would probably be more realistically categorized as acquaintances. Some are people I've gone to school with, primarily high school or law school; some are former co-workers.
Just today, one Facebook friend posted photos of her with her newborn daughter and another Facebook friend shared in a status update that she is expecting. (Both are law school acquaintances of mine.) Seems like this kind of news crops up at least once every week or so.
I could go on, but I think my point is made. Even the vet who examined Hunter for kennel cough yesterday was visibly pregnant.
And don't even get me started on all the Mothers Day marketing. I will be glad when Monday arrives for that reason alone.
I am happy for these women who are getting pregnant and having babies. I don't doubt that they will make wonderful, loving parents. I don't even know that I'd go so far as to say I envy these women, because envy implies that I wish that I had what they have INSTEAD of them. I don't begrudge anyone her own baby (assuming she is in a position to be a good mom).
But hearing their good news is a painful reminder of my own failure.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Delayed, but arrived
I finally began having some spotting and mild cramps yesterday afternoon, and AF arrived full force late last night. It seems that she's not happy that I delayed her arrival by the use of various drugs and has decided to punish me by inflicting worse-than-usual cramps and a heavier flow.
It sounds weird to say I'm glad to have my period, but I am. . . . simply because its arrival, though delayed, means we can finally move on to the next cycle.
I called our clinic's "nurse line" this morning to report my cycle day one and am expecting them to call me back early this afternoon (if things go according to their usual pattern). In addition to getting my meds for this cycle and scheduling my mid-cycle follicle check u/s, I want to see if there is an alternative to the Pregnyl that I used last cycle as my hCG trigger. I had a very nasty localized reaction to the injection: within 15-20 minutes, I'd developed a welt the size of a half-dollar which stayed red, hot, and painful to the touch for days. (In fact, I still have a discolored area of skin there, nearly three weeks later, though it is slowly fading.)
If all goes as we discussed with the RE in March, I should be starting Clomid for the second time on Friday night. Which will be just lovely, considering that MM and I are flying to San Antonio on Friday night for a little weekend getaway. Fingers crossed that this cycle is like the last and that I don't have any Clomid side effects during our trip.
Though I would hardly characterize myself as hopeful, it's nice to be finally moving forward again.
It sounds weird to say I'm glad to have my period, but I am. . . . simply because its arrival, though delayed, means we can finally move on to the next cycle.
I called our clinic's "nurse line" this morning to report my cycle day one and am expecting them to call me back early this afternoon (if things go according to their usual pattern). In addition to getting my meds for this cycle and scheduling my mid-cycle follicle check u/s, I want to see if there is an alternative to the Pregnyl that I used last cycle as my hCG trigger. I had a very nasty localized reaction to the injection: within 15-20 minutes, I'd developed a welt the size of a half-dollar which stayed red, hot, and painful to the touch for days. (In fact, I still have a discolored area of skin there, nearly three weeks later, though it is slowly fading.)
If all goes as we discussed with the RE in March, I should be starting Clomid for the second time on Friday night. Which will be just lovely, considering that MM and I are flying to San Antonio on Friday night for a little weekend getaway. Fingers crossed that this cycle is like the last and that I don't have any Clomid side effects during our trip.
Though I would hardly characterize myself as hopeful, it's nice to be finally moving forward again.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Out of whack and confused
Just had to post and share that I have yet to start my period. Am wondering if anyone else who has used the same drugs I did this cycle--Clomid, hCG for trigger, and progesterone gel--has had this problem.
I've read that progesterone gel can delay the start of your period for 2-3 days from the time it's stopped, but I last used it on Thursday night. I've also heard that Clomid can lengthen your luteal phase, but I wouldn't have expected it to lengthen it to 18-19 days. It's now mid-day on Tuesday with no period in sight and no signs that she's on the way (i.e., the usual spotting or cramps I get about 12 hours before).
If I hadn't used OPKs and taken a trigger shot, I would begin to wonder if I ovulated later than I thought. I am 18 DPO today when I've never had a luteal phase longer than 15 days before ever, in nearly two years of charting.
The delay in my period is causing MM to have false hope that maybe last Friday's test was inaccurate and I actually am pregnant. I don't believe that is the case because I don't feel pregnant at all, and I would expect a pregnancy test to be accurate at 14 DPO, so I believe that last Friday's BFN was correct (much as I hate to admit it).
I don't want to take another HPT because I really, really hate seeing that one lone, sad line. It's depressing.
I will probably wait one more day, and if I don't start by tomorrow morning, I will call my RE's office and see what they say. (I'd call today, but I don't want to be perceived as an over-reacting freak. LOL)
I've read that progesterone gel can delay the start of your period for 2-3 days from the time it's stopped, but I last used it on Thursday night. I've also heard that Clomid can lengthen your luteal phase, but I wouldn't have expected it to lengthen it to 18-19 days. It's now mid-day on Tuesday with no period in sight and no signs that she's on the way (i.e., the usual spotting or cramps I get about 12 hours before).
If I hadn't used OPKs and taken a trigger shot, I would begin to wonder if I ovulated later than I thought. I am 18 DPO today when I've never had a luteal phase longer than 15 days before ever, in nearly two years of charting.
The delay in my period is causing MM to have false hope that maybe last Friday's test was inaccurate and I actually am pregnant. I don't believe that is the case because I don't feel pregnant at all, and I would expect a pregnancy test to be accurate at 14 DPO, so I believe that last Friday's BFN was correct (much as I hate to admit it).
I don't want to take another HPT because I really, really hate seeing that one lone, sad line. It's depressing.
I will probably wait one more day, and if I don't start by tomorrow morning, I will call my RE's office and see what they say. (I'd call today, but I don't want to be perceived as an over-reacting freak. LOL)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Uncertainty
The not knowing is what's getting to me the most.
A small part of me feels that I wish I could stop trying to get pregnant now. I could begin mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be, the loss of a child of my own. I could resign myself to living childless and begin wholly focusing on other things once again.
But because I am 38 and we are "unexplained," simply ceasing TTC efforts doesn't necessarily mean that we would never get pregnant. At this stage, I would consider it more likely than not that we would not conceive on our own. . . . but no one can give an accurate answer to that question. Our RE wouldn't even give us an opinion on what the odds of our succeeding with Clomid + IUI would be, so I doubt he would even hazard a guess about what our odds of conceiving naturally are; there are just too many variables, too many unknowns.
Everyone has an anecdote of someone they know who conceived after doctors gave them a less than 1% chance of conceiving without ART. I actually have two friends in real life who had this experience, not to mention people I have heard of or met online. A message group friend of mine just gave birth to her first child at the age of 44, the result of a pregnancy conceived without the use of ART; if asked, I think most doctors would say that the odds of something like that happening are quite low. I have friends who conceived on a break cycle after their second failed IVF. . . . and then conceived again naturally (& unexpectedly) when their "miracle baby" was only four months old.
The fact of the matter is that there is a lot more about the process of conception, implantation, and pregnancy that the medical community DOESN'T know than what they do know. "Unexplained infertility" is really a misnomer because it implies that everything about each partner is normal and yet they cannot conceive. The true situation in most cases is more likely that something IS wrong; it just happens to be something for which doctors cannot test.
When we first had our basic testing done by our RE, I remember having some friends (who'd never experienced problems TTC themselves) who said "oh, you must be relieved to learn that all your tests were normal." Far from it. Instead, my reaction was more like "well then, what the fuck?!" (Pardon my French.)
Our RE has told us that he believes that the most likely explanation for our failure to conceive thus far is poor egg quality related to my age. However, as my sister astutely pointed out, he honestly can't know that that is the problem. It's more likely that he has simply drawn that conclusion because it is the most obvious explanation. After all, women far younger than I are diagnosed with "unexplained" infertility all the time. (I suppose their REs have to present a different hypothesis for the cause of their problems.)
I don't like the unknown. I don't fear it, but I don't like it. My husband and I are both planners. As it stands right now, it's difficult for us to plan things more than a few weeks in the future because we don't know whether or when we will be parents.
A part of me thinks that we should just stop "trying" and go on with our lives. Go ahead and plan a life that does not include children and just be pleasantly surprised if we get pregnant unexpectedly. But I don't think that MM is ready to do that, and I'm not 100% convinced that it would be the right decision for me either. It still wouldn't totally solve the uncertainty problem.
Ah, how I envy those whose lives go according to their plans! Yeah, there are people like that; I know a few of them. People who get pregnant within the first 1-2 months off birth control, who can plan their pregnancies and deliveries at the times of year most convenient for them. People who get to decide how many children they will have and how far apart they will space them.
Oh well.
A small part of me feels that I wish I could stop trying to get pregnant now. I could begin mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be, the loss of a child of my own. I could resign myself to living childless and begin wholly focusing on other things once again.
But because I am 38 and we are "unexplained," simply ceasing TTC efforts doesn't necessarily mean that we would never get pregnant. At this stage, I would consider it more likely than not that we would not conceive on our own. . . . but no one can give an accurate answer to that question. Our RE wouldn't even give us an opinion on what the odds of our succeeding with Clomid + IUI would be, so I doubt he would even hazard a guess about what our odds of conceiving naturally are; there are just too many variables, too many unknowns.
Everyone has an anecdote of someone they know who conceived after doctors gave them a less than 1% chance of conceiving without ART. I actually have two friends in real life who had this experience, not to mention people I have heard of or met online. A message group friend of mine just gave birth to her first child at the age of 44, the result of a pregnancy conceived without the use of ART; if asked, I think most doctors would say that the odds of something like that happening are quite low. I have friends who conceived on a break cycle after their second failed IVF. . . . and then conceived again naturally (& unexpectedly) when their "miracle baby" was only four months old.
The fact of the matter is that there is a lot more about the process of conception, implantation, and pregnancy that the medical community DOESN'T know than what they do know. "Unexplained infertility" is really a misnomer because it implies that everything about each partner is normal and yet they cannot conceive. The true situation in most cases is more likely that something IS wrong; it just happens to be something for which doctors cannot test.
When we first had our basic testing done by our RE, I remember having some friends (who'd never experienced problems TTC themselves) who said "oh, you must be relieved to learn that all your tests were normal." Far from it. Instead, my reaction was more like "well then, what the fuck?!" (Pardon my French.)
Our RE has told us that he believes that the most likely explanation for our failure to conceive thus far is poor egg quality related to my age. However, as my sister astutely pointed out, he honestly can't know that that is the problem. It's more likely that he has simply drawn that conclusion because it is the most obvious explanation. After all, women far younger than I are diagnosed with "unexplained" infertility all the time. (I suppose their REs have to present a different hypothesis for the cause of their problems.)
I don't like the unknown. I don't fear it, but I don't like it. My husband and I are both planners. As it stands right now, it's difficult for us to plan things more than a few weeks in the future because we don't know whether or when we will be parents.
A part of me thinks that we should just stop "trying" and go on with our lives. Go ahead and plan a life that does not include children and just be pleasantly surprised if we get pregnant unexpectedly. But I don't think that MM is ready to do that, and I'm not 100% convinced that it would be the right decision for me either. It still wouldn't totally solve the uncertainty problem.
Ah, how I envy those whose lives go according to their plans! Yeah, there are people like that; I know a few of them. People who get pregnant within the first 1-2 months off birth control, who can plan their pregnancies and deliveries at the times of year most convenient for them. People who get to decide how many children they will have and how far apart they will space them.
Oh well.
CD 33 and counting
I had a wonderful, busy weekend during which I didn't think much about TTC. Just what I needed! It was so nice to live my life and not think about our failures.
MM and I talked quite a bit about the TTC process to date and our planned next steps on Friday night (mainly because we had to drive over two hours to reach our destination). Though our reasons are slightly different, we are pretty much in agreement that we will not go as far as IVF. Our insurance will pay for a portion (about 50%) of 6 IUI cycles, so we've agreed that we will at least do that many IUI cycles.
If it turns out that we don't conceive through IUI or on our own, we will reassess the situation then, but will likely move toward resigning ourselves to living childless. IVF and adoption do not seem, to us, to be viable alternatives for us, for reasons that I don't have the time or energy to explain in today's post. (Maybe I will write more about each topic some day when I have the time and energy.)
Knowing that we don't plan to do anything past IUIs, I've considered taking a break and doing one every other cycle. I'd also like to lose some weight and think that perhaps that might help our odds of conception, even though anovulation is not a problem I've had and our RE has never suggested that my weight is in any way affecting our TTC efforts. But I am too attuned to the ticking clock that symbolizes the days until I turn 40 to put it off.
Currently I am just waiting for my period to arrive. The Clomid, hCG, or progesterone--or some combination of the three--have totally jacked up my cycle, and I am having the longest luteal phase I have ever had since I've charted. I would've expected my period by Saturday evening at the latest; here it is Monday morning, and I've had no signs that it's on its way. My cycles are usually between 26 and 28 days long, so I'm way past my usual cycle length already.
Until my period arrives, I am in limbo. My post-IUI instructions were to call to schedule a blood test if Friday's HPT was positive or, if the HPT was negative, to stop the progesterone and call on cycle day one. My instructions say that my period should arrive within 2-3 days of stopping progesterone, so if I don't have my period by Wednesday morning, I'll likely call the RE's office.
Here I go again. Wait, wait, wait.
MM and I talked quite a bit about the TTC process to date and our planned next steps on Friday night (mainly because we had to drive over two hours to reach our destination). Though our reasons are slightly different, we are pretty much in agreement that we will not go as far as IVF. Our insurance will pay for a portion (about 50%) of 6 IUI cycles, so we've agreed that we will at least do that many IUI cycles.
If it turns out that we don't conceive through IUI or on our own, we will reassess the situation then, but will likely move toward resigning ourselves to living childless. IVF and adoption do not seem, to us, to be viable alternatives for us, for reasons that I don't have the time or energy to explain in today's post. (Maybe I will write more about each topic some day when I have the time and energy.)
Knowing that we don't plan to do anything past IUIs, I've considered taking a break and doing one every other cycle. I'd also like to lose some weight and think that perhaps that might help our odds of conception, even though anovulation is not a problem I've had and our RE has never suggested that my weight is in any way affecting our TTC efforts. But I am too attuned to the ticking clock that symbolizes the days until I turn 40 to put it off.
Currently I am just waiting for my period to arrive. The Clomid, hCG, or progesterone--or some combination of the three--have totally jacked up my cycle, and I am having the longest luteal phase I have ever had since I've charted. I would've expected my period by Saturday evening at the latest; here it is Monday morning, and I've had no signs that it's on its way. My cycles are usually between 26 and 28 days long, so I'm way past my usual cycle length already.
Until my period arrives, I am in limbo. My post-IUI instructions were to call to schedule a blood test if Friday's HPT was positive or, if the HPT was negative, to stop the progesterone and call on cycle day one. My instructions say that my period should arrive within 2-3 days of stopping progesterone, so if I don't have my period by Wednesday morning, I'll likely call the RE's office.
Here I go again. Wait, wait, wait.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Post-BFN thoughts & feelings
I'm not even sure what to write.
I am disappointed that this cycle--like the 13 that preceded it--was a failure, but not really all that surprised. Although I occasionally imagined that this would be the "magic bullet" for us and that I would be one of the lucky women who conceives from her first IUI (hey, SOMEONE must have success for the literature to quote a 20% success rate!), I really didn't believe it. I (rightly, as it turns out) attributed every "symptom" I had to progesterone gel side effects. (One silver lining: I can stop using that crap now!) I've seen lots of other BFNs, and I didn't find this one to be particularly upsetting just because we actually did intervention this cycle. . . . simply because I knew the odds were against success.
MM, on the other hand, has been pretty upset. Bless his heart, he is generally more sensitive than I. He was also more optimistic about this cycle. Never having taken any science courses in college (and never having taken the time to educate himself on the subject on his own), his thought was that we "put lots of sperm up there" and therefore would be sure to conceive. (In addition to the IUI, we had sex the night before, the night of, and twice the next day.)
I guess if I had to sum up my current feelings in one sentence, they would be "resigned" and "tired." Resigned to the fact that nothing we do seems to have any effect on our ability to get pregnant. Resigned to the fact that this hasn't happened for us even though we have done everything "right." Resigned to the idea that this is something that may never happen for us, regardless of what we try.
I'm physically tired because I woke up before 5:00 a.m. to pee and of course had to do my HPT then. Turning on the bathroom lights and testing my urine woke me up enough that it was hard to go back to sleep. Seeing another BFN didn't help either.
I'm also mentally tired. Tired of "trying" to get pregnant. I almost hesitate to write this on a blog where I know that many of the readers have been (or will go) through much more than we have. But I am tired of focusing on this. Tired of never seeing results. Tired of all the waiting: waiting for AF to arrive, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting in the RE's office for appointments. Tired of letting our "TTC journey" (Ha! I actually hate that term) consume so much of my energy. Tired of well-meaning advice from people who think they know what to do just because they managed to conceive when I have failed to do so.
I am feeling worn down by the uncertainty of not knowing whether we will ever succeed in conceiving a child of our own and the frustration of knowing that this is not a "goal" that we can "achieve" if only we work hard enough or do the right things. I've never been one to beat my head against a wall. Far from it: I am the type of person who generally decides that if something isn't coming easy, maybe it's time to re-evaluate whether it's really something that I want enough to pursue. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?
Part of me wants to just stop thinking about this entirely and just let the chips fall where they may. I'm 38 and not close to menopause, as far as I know. I'm sure MM and I will continue having sex regularly--honestly, probably more regularly if we didn't "have to"--so it's not entirely impossible that we could conceive on our own before I reach menopause. If it happened, we could be pleasantly surprised.
But another part of me thinks that we should follow our doctor's recommendation and continue "trying." If our odds of conceiving on our own are low--and they must be, else we'd be pregnant by now--surely doing SOMETHING is raising those odds? Even if just a little bit? Right?
Anyway. . . . that's where I'm at. I am very much looking forward to my weekend, which is jam-packed with plans. . . . none of which include children.
I am disappointed that this cycle--like the 13 that preceded it--was a failure, but not really all that surprised. Although I occasionally imagined that this would be the "magic bullet" for us and that I would be one of the lucky women who conceives from her first IUI (hey, SOMEONE must have success for the literature to quote a 20% success rate!), I really didn't believe it. I (rightly, as it turns out) attributed every "symptom" I had to progesterone gel side effects. (One silver lining: I can stop using that crap now!) I've seen lots of other BFNs, and I didn't find this one to be particularly upsetting just because we actually did intervention this cycle. . . . simply because I knew the odds were against success.
MM, on the other hand, has been pretty upset. Bless his heart, he is generally more sensitive than I. He was also more optimistic about this cycle. Never having taken any science courses in college (and never having taken the time to educate himself on the subject on his own), his thought was that we "put lots of sperm up there" and therefore would be sure to conceive. (In addition to the IUI, we had sex the night before, the night of, and twice the next day.)
I guess if I had to sum up my current feelings in one sentence, they would be "resigned" and "tired." Resigned to the fact that nothing we do seems to have any effect on our ability to get pregnant. Resigned to the fact that this hasn't happened for us even though we have done everything "right." Resigned to the idea that this is something that may never happen for us, regardless of what we try.
I'm physically tired because I woke up before 5:00 a.m. to pee and of course had to do my HPT then. Turning on the bathroom lights and testing my urine woke me up enough that it was hard to go back to sleep. Seeing another BFN didn't help either.
I'm also mentally tired. Tired of "trying" to get pregnant. I almost hesitate to write this on a blog where I know that many of the readers have been (or will go) through much more than we have. But I am tired of focusing on this. Tired of never seeing results. Tired of all the waiting: waiting for AF to arrive, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting in the RE's office for appointments. Tired of letting our "TTC journey" (Ha! I actually hate that term) consume so much of my energy. Tired of well-meaning advice from people who think they know what to do just because they managed to conceive when I have failed to do so.
I am feeling worn down by the uncertainty of not knowing whether we will ever succeed in conceiving a child of our own and the frustration of knowing that this is not a "goal" that we can "achieve" if only we work hard enough or do the right things. I've never been one to beat my head against a wall. Far from it: I am the type of person who generally decides that if something isn't coming easy, maybe it's time to re-evaluate whether it's really something that I want enough to pursue. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?
Part of me wants to just stop thinking about this entirely and just let the chips fall where they may. I'm 38 and not close to menopause, as far as I know. I'm sure MM and I will continue having sex regularly--honestly, probably more regularly if we didn't "have to"--so it's not entirely impossible that we could conceive on our own before I reach menopause. If it happened, we could be pleasantly surprised.
But another part of me thinks that we should follow our doctor's recommendation and continue "trying." If our odds of conceiving on our own are low--and they must be, else we'd be pregnant by now--surely doing SOMETHING is raising those odds? Even if just a little bit? Right?
Anyway. . . . that's where I'm at. I am very much looking forward to my weekend, which is jam-packed with plans. . . . none of which include children.
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