Thursday, March 3, 2011

In denial

Next month will mark three years since I threw my birth control pills away (and quickly discovered how little I actually needed them).  I started BBT charting that same month, and MM and I have been TTC ever since.

In all that time, we have only ever seen one BFP, and it only lasted a few days.  That pregnancy did not even progress far enough for me to have an ultrasound.

Nearly a year ago, when MM pressed our local RE to give him a "hard number" in regard to our chances of conceiving naturally, he told us about 5% per cycle.  As another year of unsuccessful TTC has since passed, and I am now nearly 40, I can only imagine that our odds of conception have decreased since then.

And yet. . . . we hear of women all the time who conceive naturally against the odds, even in this community.  Circus Princess found herself unexpectedly pregnant naturally against the odds last summer and gave birth to a baby boy a few days ago.  After multiple failed IVFs, R was told she would never conceive using her own eggs and moved on to donor egg. . . . only to get pregnant naturally at Christmas time.  A woman on an egg donation forum I visit recently found out she was pregnant as she was planning her second DE IVF cycle (the first one didn't work).

Couple these against-the-odds natural conceptions with our "unexplained" diagnosis, and I find that, even as I prepare to pursue a DE IVF cycle, I am unable to completely let go of the hope that we will somehow, miraculously, conceive on our own.  As I was looking at the calendar yesterday to try to map out the earliest possible date when I might be able to start a mock cycle to prepare for DE IVF, I realized it was CD 24 for me.  (My cycles are usually 26-28 days long.)  I also realized that the cycle days when I likely would've been most fertile--based on past experience, as I haven't charted for over a year--fell on the weekend and that we did the deed then.

And even as I make logical, well-thought-out plans on how to move forward, a little voice in my mind whispered "Hey, maybe you are pregnant right now, and you & MM will be able to spend that money you have been saving for your cycle for something else!"

Yeah.  Even after three years, even for logical me, on some level, hope springs eternal.

I must be in denial.

6 comments:

  1. A little denial never hurt anyone :) It's hard not to get a little hopeful when people get their surprise BFP's. Here's to that happening to you while you prepare for the DE IVF!

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  2. I am right there with you. And even though hope is an asshole, I wouldn't want to be without it. I wish for a surprise bfp for you, s.

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  3. It's good that you're still hopeful. It's always good to stay positive. Even when I was going through this IVF cycle, I kept thinking "did I really need to do this??"

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  4. it is very hard to give up the hope. thinking of you....

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  5. I love those stories. I would love to celebrate seeing you in those shoes. In the mean time, charge forward and take what little control we have into your hands.

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