Friday, February 25, 2011

What a day

Yesterday ended up being an eventful day in a lot of ways.

First, there was the unexpected opportunity I wrote about here for us to (possibly) receive donated embryos.  Thank you SO much for your support!  It warmed my heart to know that so many of you were thinking positive thoughts and praying for us.

Second, MM had his follow-up appointment with the hematologist.  (I mentioned last week that he was being worked up for some abnormal lab work.)  We were relieved to learn that he does not have cancer.  He was diagnosed with essential thrombocythemia, which for now will only require regular monitoring and a daily baby aspirin.  Of the possible diagnoses the doctor was contemplating, this one was the best-case-scenario, so while he is not happy to learn he has a chronic condition, it could be much worse.

Third, and probably the most unexpected: the embryo donation opportunity I wrote about led to a long and heated discussion with MM about our treatment options.  To make a long story short. . . . I think the reality of actually taking an affirmative step toward the donor embryo route hit MM with force for the first time yesterday, and as a result, he had to sort through his feelings about it. 

The end result: MM realized that he is not yet ready to give up on trying to have a child to whom he is genetically related.  Which means that he doesn't feel comfortable proceeding with donor embryo when we have not yet tried a DE IVF cycle.

I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted by (what I perceive to be) MM's flip-flopping on what we should do.  DE IVF had been our plan since last summer, until the week before Christmas, when he suddenly decided he didn't want to go forward with it this summer, as we'd previously agreed.  Since that time, and since our session with my counselor, our plan A was supposed to be pursuing embryo donation or a shared DE cycle.  (Plan B would be doing a DE cycle on our own in a year, if Plan A didn't pan out.)

Last night MM realized that, for him, DE is still Plan A.  And in light of his biggest concern--what if we spend all this money and it doesn't work?--he would rather we do a cycle on our own, rather than share a cycle, to maximize our chances of having frozen embryos in the event that a fresh cycle is unsuccessful.

Despite my frustration with his indecisiveness, I am glad he is finding clarity and that we are communicating about this.  This decision is obviously one with huge implications for our lives, and for the lives of our (hopeful) future child.

My recent post about developing patience notwithstanding, I'm just not OK with passively waiting for another year to start DE IVF without doing something.  I was semi-OK with waiting when I only thought of DE IVF as our back-up plan, but if it is once again our Plan A, I'd rather get on with it. 

MM understands my feelings. . . . my frustration with his back-and-forth on these issues, the urgency I feel at wanting to get this part of our lives behind us, my strong desire to be a mother, through whatever path I can.

So he has agreed to go ahead with a DE IVF cycle this summer, as previously planned.  Yes, it will be a little difficult financially for a while, but it is not beyond our reach.  MM cannot be at peace, or seriously entertain the idea of donor embryo, until we give it a try, and I do not want to wait another year to do it. . . . so here we go.

We have our initial consultation with our clinic (I will not mention the name here, for privacy reasons, but email me if you want to know more) on March 16th.

We are also putting all our hopes on a single fresh DE cycle.  Previously we had considered purchasing a type of "shared risk" plan where we would get a significant portion of our money back if the fresh cycle and any subsequent FETs with embryos from that cycle did not work, but it is $7K less to simply pay for a single fresh cycle. 

We have done some math and come to the conclusion that it is likely not worth the extra money for most couples.  Given the high success rate of our chosen clinic, it is much more likely than not that a fresh cycle will work for us.  And we are resigned to dealing with it if we are in the unlucky minority for whom it does not work.  It may well be that we will be unlucky; goodness knows, there are no guarantees with this stuff.  If we are, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

So that's where we are.

8 comments:

  1. It's interesting...when I was married to my ex., I was always flip-flopping on what I was willing/wanted to do to get pregnant. It drove him completely crazy, and I think it led to a big disconnect in how we dealt with the whole process and really, in our marriage overall. I'm not trying to scare you at all - I'm just saying that reading your post made me realize that I was being so indecisive because I kept agreeing to things I wasn't 100% comfortable with. In trying to compromise, I agreed to things I didn't want to do. Eventually, I would freak out and change my mind, which never went over well. This stuff is so hard because it almost defies logic - there's what makes sense, and what feels right.

    I'm glad you're on the same page, and I hope that you are successful!!!

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  2. YAY!!!! Perhaps the DEmb opportunity was the shove that MM needed to finally make a decision. This is great news! We also did not elect to do the DE shared risk plan as our clinic (CCRM) had such high success rates that we felt we would take the smaller risk of the DE cycle not working on first try. So happy for you two to get going!!

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  3. I'm glad you are communicating about what you want and don't want. I still feel frustrated for you though! It's hard to keep having to change the plans! But a March 16th appointment is a really good start!!!

    I'm glad MM's CBC scare is nothing scary!

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  4. it must feel good to have a plan. i am hoping this is it for you!

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  5. gosh! just - gosh! the roller coaster of IF is bad enough! another change of direction. you must feel dizzy by now!

    i hope that you will get a chance to talk to your therapist (together) about this. not because its bad! it just seems like a good idea.

    march 16th is coming fast! i'm glad you are not having to continue limbo for another year!

    xoxox

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  6. We will have to talk with the counselor again about this because our clinic requires a letter from her stating that we have discussed, and understand, the psychological implications of taking this path. (I figure she is going to be pretty surprised to hear from me again so soon!)

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  7. Wow! So exciting to have a start date and an actionable plan. I know it must have been so fruatrating whenMM let you in on how he is feeling,but I am so gald that you guys are commun icating. I do want to know more and where you will be cycling. I will email soon.

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  8. Glad to hear MM's health scare was something you can deal with... and that you are moving ahead!

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