Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Patience

patience  [pey-shuhns]


1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
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Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience. 
~Unknown

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.
~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy
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So about patience. . . . I have very little.  I am usually restless and/or annoyed when confronted with delay.  I am seldom able to bear provocation, annoyance, misfortune or pain without complaint, loss of temper, or irritation.  Yes, I can be patient with loved ones (or my dogs) when the occasion warrants, but more often than not, I am impatient.

MM has even less patience than I.  He claims it's due to his "OCS" (Only Child Syndrome).  He gets annoyed waiting at a red light or listening to a story he doesn't find interesting.  He can't stand to delay gratification.

I don't think MM and I are very unlike most people in this regard.  Especially in today's world, where most things are available right away--witness high-speed internet, mobile phones, e-mail and the like--most of us don't have to wait for most things.

I realized today that a lot of my current angst over where we are in regards to pursuing potential paths to parenthood (ah, alliteration!) is due to my lack of patience.  I mean, look: in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter much whether a couple with embryos to donate finds us today or a year from now?  Will it really make a huge difference in our lives to do a DE IVF cycle next summer instead of this summer?

The (obvious) answers to these questions is no.  No, a delay of one year means nothing when I am looking at trying to achieve pregnancy with someone else's gametes.  Once I am no longer relying on my own (already-aged) eggs to get pregnant, the passage of time really matters not one whit to the success of either DE or DEm.

Don't get me wrong: I don't think I am being completely unreasonable by chafing at the delay.  We will have been TTC for THREE YEARS come April.  Most people who go off birth control and decide to have a baby--yes, even women who are over 35--would have had a child by now.  (Heck, they could've had 2-3 children by now!)  It *is* abnormal to have to wait this long to become parents.

And even before we started TTC, I have wanted to be a mother for YEARS.  Literally since my teens.  So there's that.

So while I don't judge myself harshly for being impatient in this particular area, I need to work on developing patience. . . . simply because being IMpatient about it will get me nowhere and just cause more negative feelings.  However, I will be honest and say that I don't even really know where to start. . . . .

5 comments:

  1. "I realized today that a lot of my current angst over where we are in regards to pursuing potential paths to parenthood (ah, alliteration!) is due to my lack of patience."

    Never once have I read a blog and gone "That. That exactly." Not until I came across that sentence - I cannot fully express how deeply I empathize with you ... from everything down to your love of alliteration.

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  2. I do not think it is at all bad that you want things to happen sooner than later. I agree that waiting one year in the scheme of things sounds fine, but one more year struggling through this and being infertile sounds like hell to me personally. The sooner the better, in terms of getting off this IF ride!!!!!

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  3. @cgd, I agree with you in general terms. I would like nothing better than to be done with "infertility hell."

    But knowing that this is not going to happen any time soon. . . wouldn't it make a lot more sense to come to terms with this fact and make some peace with it?

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  4. i am as impatient as all hell. i think that is why i was so excited that demb went so fast from start to finish (researching in march to second transfer in september - yes, all in 2010).

    getting any treatment at least feels like progress or like "active waiting."

    waiting doing nothing is annoying as hell.

    xoxo

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  5. I'm so glad your joint session went so well! It's really good to read about you and DH finally coming together on the issues. It seems like you've been dealing with it all alone for too long. Now you'll be a team with a plan!

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