Monday, February 7, 2011

"Word of the Day" and my infertility-warped mind

Do any of you subscribe to the Word of the Day?  I started subscribing in law school and continue to receive a word daily in my email.  Often the word of the day is a word I already know, but not infrequently it is a word which is pretty obscure or used primarly in literary contexts.  Sometimes it's a word I don't know at all.

Today's word is desideratum, plural desiderata.  The only place I previously had seen this word was in relation to this poem, and I confess, I didn't really know what it meant.  According to, desideratum means "something desired or considered necessary."

So what was my first thought upon reading this?  "Oh, like motherhood for me."  Yeah.  Warped mind indeed.

I find it interesting that this word couples desire with necessity.  There are certainly many things one might desire which one would not consider necessary. . . . for example, I desire a BMW sedan, but I certainly wouldn't consider it necessary.  I would say the universe of things which are not only desired but also necessary is relatively small.  Hmm.

MM and I had our session with NC yesterday, and it went very well.  I could tell that NC was favorably impressed with MM (who wouldn't be? he is a great guy), and after talking to us for about half the session, she mentioned that she "gets it" now, meaning she sees how our relationship works for us.  MM felt good about the session because there were no surprises--in his opinion, the worst possible thing which could happen at any couples counseling session would be to find out something your wife had told the counselor about you and never told you--and because we were also able to talk in more depth about a couple of things we'd only discussed briefly prior to the session.

The most specific "result" of the session was that we have agreed to set a time limit on the plans we have in the works.  NC pointed out that we have been dealing with IF our entire marriage (and before) and that it probably isn't healthy for me, or for us, to continue dragging this out indefinitely due to MM's concerns about finances.  So we have agreed to continue pursuing our current options--embryo donation and/or a possible shared DE IVF cycle--until this time next year, and if one or the other has not panned out by then, to commit to paying for a cycle of DE IVF on our own, despite the expense.  MM agreed that, though we will try to save what we can toward that cycle over the next year, we will go ahead next year (if necessary) whether we have the entire amount saved or not.

[By the way. . . . if anyone reading this wants to consider sharing a cycle with us or knows someone who does. . . . or, by the same token, has embryos to donate or knows someone who does. . . feel free to email me at the address in my profile.]

So that's where we're at.  I think we are on a path which is a good compromise.  I would like to be moving on with SOMETHING that will make us parents, oh, YESTERDAY, but our current plan also respects the financial realities of our situation (and MM's concerns about debt).

The hardest thing for me about either option--embryo donation or a possible shared DE IVF cycle--is that each relies upon someone else's decision to become a reality.  Someone with embryos would have to decide to donate them to us, or someone would have to come forward willing to share a cycle with us.  I don't do well with things where not only the outcome, but the very start of the process, is out of my control.  But it is what it is.  Good opportunity for some personal growth, I suppose.


  1. I love your word of the day. When I talk about IF to my mother in law, she always says things like you should have everything you want, like I am asking for some kind of expensive handbag or something. Being a mother does feel like a necissity to me, I personally have a very hard time wrapping my head around the child free option (although I know it is a great thing for some couples).
    I am glad you have a plan and a time limit. I hope that helps you stay grounded in this process.

  2. I'm really glad that you and MM had a great session with the counsellor. It sounds like you have a good plan in place.

  3. Having a plan that you feel comfortable with is a good thing. Good luck. Still sending you lots of positive vibes.

  4. I'm glad the counseling session went well with MM! I like the idea of giving treatment a time frame so things don't get dragged on and on! It sounds like you are making progress!

  5. i forget - if you decide on donor embryo, do you want it to be an "open" situation? if so, then yes, i guess you have to depend on someone else to "choose" you back.

    the loss of control - doesn't ever get easier!

    glad your session went well! i think some time limits are really good.


  6. Does your clinic receive donated embryos which can be anonymously assigned?? My friend is going through IVF right now with donor embryos. She has her transfer tomorrow actually!! I think there are only 2 embryos, which is the only thing that is making her nervous. I'm praying hard for her...and for you!!!

  7. @sparklythings--we are open to doing whatever type of embryo donation situation works out (so long as we don't pair up with a couple who wants to spend holidays and one weekend a month together; that would be a little too much contact for MM's comfort). However, none of the clinics in our area facilitate the transfer of embryos between couples, and I can't establish care at several different out of state clinics due to the expense (and inconvenience).

    So it seems that we will either get embryos via Miracles Waiting, PVED or this blog or not at all.

  8. @Cherbear, thanks for your prayers. No, our clinic does not do that, nor do any of the other clinics in our area (and I've called them all).


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