I've been planning for my next post to be an upbeat one about the joys of the season and all that jazz. . . . until MM called me from work yesterday afternoon to say that he's been giving it a lot of thought, and he no longer wants us to do a DE IVF cycle next summer as we'd planned.
I was more than a little surprised, as he had never given me an inkling prior to this that he was on the fence about it. Sure, I knew he had some reservations about the amount of money we were going to have to borrow to make this happen, but I figured he'd just decided that the risk was worthwhile. He confessed that he has been going back and forth about whether it's a good idea for a while now but just didn't confide in me because he "wanted to be sure" about how he felt.
Maybe I should've seen this coming when he agreed to look into adoption. Nothing else could have sent a clearer signal that he had reached a point where having a child who is genetically related to him is no longer as important to him as it once was.
He has not said "no" to a DE cycle, but he has told me that he really, really does not want to spend the money it will cost. And he won't do it until/unless we have the full amount in the bank (which would take me about a year-and-a-half to two years to save alone, even putting away every spare cent).
He has agreed to my looking into embryo donation/adoption, primarily because it's so much cheaper. Yet another area I know nothing about and will have to research. (I'm going to be a friggin' expert on paths to parenthood before I ever have a child of my own!)
I have been really sad about MM's decision, which makes me realize how invested I had become in the idea of doing a DE cycle (and it working). The idea of doing a procedure with an 80% success rate was (is) so appealing. Though realistically, I cannot disagree with MM's thoughts that it is just too much money to spend. Even with help from his parents, doing DE IVF will completely drain our savings and leave us with a significant chunk of debt besides. I can't say he's wrong to not want to put himself (us) in that financial situation.
So now I don't know what exactly will happen next, when or if we will do a cycle with donated embryos, or whether we will ever be parents.
Welcome back to the world of "who knows what will happen."
donor embyro has great success rates, too! actually, when you look up a clinic on SART, you just look at their FET stats - because that is all it is. generally, really good stats!
ReplyDeletei now that switching gears midstream is always a jolt to the system. even when dh went from "no kids" to "lets be parents - some way some how!" - my socks were blown off. it was a total shock. i recovered quickly, since really - it was what i wanted!!
you know that i am thrilled that you are starting the research into this...
xoxoxo
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. It is so upsetting that money stands in our way of achieving our dreams when we have finally made the heartbreaking decision to go about building our families in another way. This sucks for you, take time to grieve this loss and then in time I am sure you will find another path to parenthood.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the uncertainty...good luck with whatever path you decide.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear this especially when you thought you both were on the same page. It so frustrating that in order for us to have a child the financial piece is such a huge part of the weighing process to move forward or not. My prayers are with you that in the end it will all work out and you will become parents.
ReplyDeleteYou must be so disappointed. It is expensive to so the DEIVF cycle, but if you set up a budget, you can pay off the debt relatively quick. I hope that MM finds some peace with what to do next. I hope you both have a nice holiday.
ReplyDeleteI think embyro donation is a great option. Not only, as you mention, is it much more affordable, but, because it's a FET, once the contract is drawn up, you can proceed fairly quickly. There are lots of great resources, but one to check out is miracleswaiting.org, a site that helps match up donors and potential parents.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you might try to get the word out in the blogging community that you're looking for embryos. I know several matches that have happened just like that -- with bloggers looking to give back/pay it forward.
Ugh, money. I hate that decisions are so heavy affected by financial circumstances. It's just so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry MM's feelings blindsided you, I've totally been there before. "Welcome back to the world of "who knows what will happen."'.... So painfully familiar.
Thinking of you.
Oh, wow, what a change. I think I'M thrown for a loop, and I'm just a reader! You put so much heart and therapy and thought behind this decision. It would be hard for me to wrap my mind around a new path, too. I'm glad he's still open to being a parent, though, and embryo adoption is something DH and I were considering at one point, too.
ReplyDeletei'm a little surprised by the reactions to this post. i mean, i do understand being blindsided by a new direction...not so fun.
ReplyDeletebut donor embryo isn't so far off from donor egg except for the cost.
i guess a lot of people are still not familiar with this great option!!
you know you can count on me to support you!!
xoxoxo
I'm sorry :( I hate that this stuff is so expensive. It just sucks. I am in the same situation with a husband that is not really on the same page as I am when it comes to ART but I also have a hard time swallowing the money needed to do IUI/IVF. I hope things starting looking up for you soon.
ReplyDeleteWow, like someone else said I'm thrown for a loop by this and I'm just a reader! You considered and thought and talked about it....
ReplyDeleteBut it's true that donor embryo is not that different from DE--with ONE big difference: the genetics of the sperm. And if both of you are OK with that, then maybe it's the best solution for you.
I totally understand finances being an unwanted looming factor as well. It's the last thing you want to be thinking about but you can't avoid it--it colors every aspect of this awful, awful process.
And you're totally right--by the time you're done you're going to be an expert on so many different ways of becoming a parent. I admire your research skills (and the presence of mind to actually do the research instead of just letting emotions take over).
Sorry for my delay in commenting, I read this a few days ago but was side-tracked by Xmas.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry S, having a plan seems grounding to me, and I think we are similar in that way, so I can only imagine how you must feel. But, I know you are strong and your relationship is solid, therefore you will recover and forge ahead.
It is vital to be on the same page as your partner with big, life-changing art decisions. It also seems like there is a wealth of information for whatever path you choose.
No matter what I am rooting for you!