I've been planning for my next post to be an upbeat one about the joys of the season and all that jazz. . . . until MM called me from work yesterday afternoon to say that he's been giving it a lot of thought, and he no longer wants us to do a DE IVF cycle next summer as we'd planned.
I was more than a little surprised, as he had never given me an inkling prior to this that he was on the fence about it. Sure, I knew he had some reservations about the amount of money we were going to have to borrow to make this happen, but I figured he'd just decided that the risk was worthwhile. He confessed that he has been going back and forth about whether it's a good idea for a while now but just didn't confide in me because he "wanted to be sure" about how he felt.
Maybe I should've seen this coming when he agreed to look into adoption. Nothing else could have sent a clearer signal that he had reached a point where having a child who is genetically related to him is no longer as important to him as it once was.
He has not said "no" to a DE cycle, but he has told me that he really, really does not want to spend the money it will cost. And he won't do it until/unless we have the full amount in the bank (which would take me about a year-and-a-half to two years to save alone, even putting away every spare cent).
He has agreed to my looking into embryo donation/adoption, primarily because it's so much cheaper. Yet another area I know nothing about and will have to research. (I'm going to be a friggin' expert on paths to parenthood before I ever have a child of my own!)
I have been really sad about MM's decision, which makes me realize how invested I had become in the idea of doing a DE cycle (and it working). The idea of doing a procedure with an 80% success rate was (is) so appealing. Though realistically, I cannot disagree with MM's thoughts that it is just too much money to spend. Even with help from his parents, doing DE IVF will completely drain our savings and leave us with a significant chunk of debt besides. I can't say he's wrong to not want to put himself (us) in that financial situation.
So now I don't know what exactly will happen next, when or if we will do a cycle with donated embryos, or whether we will ever be parents.
Welcome back to the world of "who knows what will happen."