Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Giving up hope

I haven't been posting much, not only because of the fact that I can no longer do so during the day at work, but also because really, I haven't had much to say.  Life has been surprisingly (and blessedly) infertility-angst-free for me of late.  Not sure if that's because we have a plan (albeit one which will not be realized for several months), because I really worked through my feelings of grief and loss in my (four) counseling sessions, or if it's just a temporary glitch.  Whichever the reason is, I'll take it.

I'm doing so well that I was even able to interact closely with an 11-month-old baby at my office today. . . . a baby whose mother is a complete stranger to me, I might add.  (He was the visiting nephew of a coworker I don't really know at my new job.)  And I received the news that the 21-year-old unmarried pregnant file clerk at my office delivered her second child today without much emotion at all.

Years ago, I remember seeing a button (remember when buttons were all the rage?  I may be dating myself here) that said "Since I gave up hope, I feel much better."  Actually, that kind-of sums up my current emotional state.  Since I've given up hope of conceiving a child naturally, with my own eggs and without intervention, I feel much better.

That said, I have not given up hope of parenthood.  No, I confess that I still have hope that DE will make us parents.  We have our initial consultation at our chosen clinic the first Friday in February (I am going to keep the city and clinic names confidential here for privacy reasons, but email me if you are looking for a DE program and are interested), which will be our first step on the path.  (Well, aside from our ongoing plan to save as much of the hefty cost of a cycle as we can.)

I have developed a routine of checking the donor database at our clinic once a day on average, just to see whether any new donors have been added who might fit what we are looking for or whether any of our "favorites" have cycled or been taken out of the database.  "Checking up on my girls," I call it.  It's odd and comforting at the same time.

So that's where I'm at.  Life in general is busy and full, but life on the TTC front is quiet.

8 comments:

  1. i wrote a big long post to you and then my mouse zoomed to one of the adds at the bottom of the page when i was trying to hit "post comment" and BAM! no more comment - instead i'm looking at a dumb mortgage website. ARRGGG.

    ok so...i promise to come back and write a real comment...when i'm not so mad at blogspot.

    xoxo

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  2. OMG!! I JUST SAW YOU MOVED MY BLOG TO THE "FINALLY" AREA!!

    wow. surreal.

    xoxo

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  3. I think a certain type of peace comes with the grieving process of moving on to DE. I felt the same way. I'm glad to read that you have some room to breath.

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  4. I love that saying and I can totally related to it. There is something to this whole managing expectatiosn thing.
    I am rooting for you as you move forward with DE. Good luck~!!!!

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  5. It's weird how and where we find peace when going through IF. Take it while it's there! And Feb isn't far away at all!!

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  6. You sound like you are in a really good place, I am happy for you.

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  7. I'm briefly checking in on my favorite bloggers and wanted to say hi... You sound like you're in a good place. Peaceful. I'm happy for you. I admire the way you've tackled all of what you're dealing with. Hope to read more and blog more when things settle down in my world!

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