Yesterday when I wasn't in bed with a migraine, I started reading this book. Much of the information in it is stuff I already know, but I am finding it an interesting read nonetheless.
One thing that interested me was her appendix on lifestyle changes. Everything else I have read indicates that regular, moderate exercise has no adverse effect on fertility and in fact, is recommended for optimal health. Dr. Domar (who is not a medical doctor) recommends taking a 3-month break from exercise, saying that for some women, infertility can be caused by even moderate exercise. She says you shouldn't do anything that will raise your heart rate over 110 beats per minute for three months.
I'm curious if anyone has tried this, or knows someone who has, and had success. I am by no means an exercise fanatic, but I do average 2-3 days a week of 30-minute cardio sessions. I am careful not raise my heart rate above 15o bpm in the two-week wait but have never held back on cardio at all pre-ovulation.
I'm not truly considering trying this exercise break, as I have not seen it recommended anywhere else. Also, my internal medicine doctor has told me that I need to be exercising 3-4 times a week for my cholesterol (which is high) and losing weight. So I have had specific advice to the contrary. I'm still interested in hearing whether there is any merit to this recommendation, though.
I am also wondering if perhaps I should wait a cycle or two before moving on to injections. I have read in a few places that injectible gonadotropins can be less effective in women with a BMI over 27. My BMI is over 30. While I don't think that I have the time it would take to get my BMI into a normal range--even losing at a rate of a pound a week, it would take months--perhaps losing 10-15 lbs before starting injections would be a good idea. Hmmm.
I am also starting to wonder whether counseling related to TTC might be a good idea for me. I think that I am coping pretty well with all of this stuff most of the time, but I do find myself distracted at work and often feel like a failure (at least in this area of my life). I have noticed that I have been more irritable of late, too (though that could well be related to medication side effects). I have definitely had a crisis of faith related to TTC, too, as has probably been apparent from some of my blog posts.
At 38, there is such a feeling that "time is of the essence" that I'm disinclined to not forge ahead. But if there would be a benefit to me in taking a break--and especially if it would mean greater odds of achieving pregnancy--perhaps I should consider it.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Next level
After getting my BFN this morning, I called and left a message on my clinic's nurse line. Per our RE's instructions, I actually only have to call if I get a BFP; otherwise, I am supposed to just wait and call on CD 1. But because I anticipated doing a different treatment protocol next cycle (adding injections), I wanted to call early and make sure that everything will be ready for next cycle.
I heard back from the nurse in the mid-morning--which in and of itself was a surprise, given that I usually have to wait until the afternoon for a call back--and she told me that the doctor had not left instructions for our next level of medications. She has asked him to prepare a protocol for me and said she would call me back. She did say that he usually uses Clomid 50 mg along with Follistim as his standard IUI + injections protocol.
I am optimistic that by the time AF arrives, we will have a plan in place. The last cycle I used progesterone gel, it delayed my period, and it didn't arrive until five days after my BFN. So I figure I have a few days yet before I will need to be concerned.
At this point, I don't know how much the next treatment cycle will cost. This morning MM expressed his concern about how much this is starting to cost us (with no results), and we agreed that I would find out the exact cost and what portion insurance will cover prior to starting next cycle and that we will make a plan of how we will pay for it.
Oddly, I wasn't even sad at this morning's BFN. I expected it. I have reached a point where each new failure is met with a feeling of grim resignation rather than sadness. MM wasn't as sad as our last treatment cycle either, though he did say he felt frustrated. I really didn't feel much of anything except "oh, of course."
Neither of us is sure how long we want to keep doing this. I don't know how some couples pursue treatments for years and years, even doing multiple IVF cycles. We feel beaten down by just over a year of unsuccessful TTC. Still not sure we will ever go past IUI, and I think MM is moving more toward thinking of child-free living, too.
I'm glad I don't have to use that progesterone gel any more! Yuck!
I heard back from the nurse in the mid-morning--which in and of itself was a surprise, given that I usually have to wait until the afternoon for a call back--and she told me that the doctor had not left instructions for our next level of medications. She has asked him to prepare a protocol for me and said she would call me back. She did say that he usually uses Clomid 50 mg along with Follistim as his standard IUI + injections protocol.
I am optimistic that by the time AF arrives, we will have a plan in place. The last cycle I used progesterone gel, it delayed my period, and it didn't arrive until five days after my BFN. So I figure I have a few days yet before I will need to be concerned.
At this point, I don't know how much the next treatment cycle will cost. This morning MM expressed his concern about how much this is starting to cost us (with no results), and we agreed that I would find out the exact cost and what portion insurance will cover prior to starting next cycle and that we will make a plan of how we will pay for it.
Oddly, I wasn't even sad at this morning's BFN. I expected it. I have reached a point where each new failure is met with a feeling of grim resignation rather than sadness. MM wasn't as sad as our last treatment cycle either, though he did say he felt frustrated. I really didn't feel much of anything except "oh, of course."
Neither of us is sure how long we want to keep doing this. I don't know how some couples pursue treatments for years and years, even doing multiple IVF cycles. We feel beaten down by just over a year of unsuccessful TTC. Still not sure we will ever go past IUI, and I think MM is moving more toward thinking of child-free living, too.
I'm glad I don't have to use that progesterone gel any more! Yuck!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Odd dream
This morning just before MM startled me awake (he'd set his radio alarm louder-than-expected and was startled himself), I was dreaming. In typical dream fashion, I don't remember all the details of the dream. In it, my mother and I were at a gathering among friends and family, though no one close to me. I can't even remember who else was in the dream besides Mom and me, but I had the impression that these were some distant relatives on my mom's side who I'd either not met before or not seen often.
Right before I was awakened, someone in the group got up to take a medication, and my mom "reminded" me to take my birth control pill. In the dream, I went off on her and was like "Don't you pay attention to me at all?! I've been taking fertility drugs for a couple of months and trying to GET pregnant for over a year!" Dream-Mom blithely told me that the pill would help me and that I should take it.
Not quite sure what THAT was about. It's true that I sometimes think my mom doesn't listen to the things I tell her about TTC. For example, when I started my first round of Clomid, she said "well, for all you know, you could be pregnant right now." Hmmm. I don't think so. Let's hope not, considering I am on a drug that is absolutely contraindicated for pregnant women! Grrr.
It's also true that my mom was the first person to suggest I "get on the pill" when I started college. So maybe a combination of those two things "inspired" the dream.
I think the dream does go to show that even though I don't believe I've been thinking much about the whole TTC thing this cycle, my subconscious is still thinking of it.
Right before I was awakened, someone in the group got up to take a medication, and my mom "reminded" me to take my birth control pill. In the dream, I went off on her and was like "Don't you pay attention to me at all?! I've been taking fertility drugs for a couple of months and trying to GET pregnant for over a year!" Dream-Mom blithely told me that the pill would help me and that I should take it.
Not quite sure what THAT was about. It's true that I sometimes think my mom doesn't listen to the things I tell her about TTC. For example, when I started my first round of Clomid, she said "well, for all you know, you could be pregnant right now." Hmmm. I don't think so. Let's hope not, considering I am on a drug that is absolutely contraindicated for pregnant women! Grrr.
It's also true that my mom was the first person to suggest I "get on the pill" when I started college. So maybe a combination of those two things "inspired" the dream.
I think the dream does go to show that even though I don't believe I've been thinking much about the whole TTC thing this cycle, my subconscious is still thinking of it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Crampy today
If I weren't using progesterone gel, I would be excited about the fact that I have been having a lot of cramps this morning. As it is, I have chalked them up to progesterone side effects.
I guess one benefit of the progesterone gel is that I no longer over-analyze every symptom I experience in the two-week wait and obsess over whether it could mean that I'm pregnant. Because basically every early pregnancy symptom could also be a progesterone side effect, I simply note what I'm feeling and move on.
I posted recently about my reasons and MM's reasons for not wanting to do IVF. My reasons have not changed, but I think that perhaps MM's feelings about this may be changing. He mentioned to me the other night at dinner that if our 6 IUIs are not successful, we "might have to think about doing something else, like using a surrogate." Huh? Not sure where that came from. And I actually don't think he means a surrogate; I think he means donor eggs (because that will theoretically increase the odds of success of an IVF cycle). He even said that he might consider adoption, which was way out of left field for him.
At this point, we have not discussed the matter further but have agreed to have another sit-down appointment with our RE if necessary in a few months. More on that topic once we have discussed it in more depth.
I guess one benefit of the progesterone gel is that I no longer over-analyze every symptom I experience in the two-week wait and obsess over whether it could mean that I'm pregnant. Because basically every early pregnancy symptom could also be a progesterone side effect, I simply note what I'm feeling and move on.
I posted recently about my reasons and MM's reasons for not wanting to do IVF. My reasons have not changed, but I think that perhaps MM's feelings about this may be changing. He mentioned to me the other night at dinner that if our 6 IUIs are not successful, we "might have to think about doing something else, like using a surrogate." Huh? Not sure where that came from. And I actually don't think he means a surrogate; I think he means donor eggs (because that will theoretically increase the odds of success of an IVF cycle). He even said that he might consider adoption, which was way out of left field for him.
At this point, we have not discussed the matter further but have agreed to have another sit-down appointment with our RE if necessary in a few months. More on that topic once we have discussed it in more depth.
Monday, June 22, 2009
In the two-week wait
I haven't been posting much because I haven't had much to share. As with the last cycle I used the progesterone gel, I have had some unpleasant side effects. The worst one is that I have little-to-no sex drive, and when we do have intercourse, the gel makes me very dry (sorry, TMI) and sex uncomfortable. I have also been moody/irritable and had some off-and-on lower abdominal cramping. Plus I had a migraine headache off and on most of the last three days, though to be fair, I get a lot of headaches a lot of the time and can't be sure that this one was related to drug side effects.
Honestly, the first half of this two-week wait has gone by fast for me. I have been exceptionally busy at work and had quite a few things going on outside the office as well. Among them, I had to drive 250 miles round-trip to visit my CASA child on Saturday, and Sunday was MM's parents' 40th wedding anniversary in addition to being Fathers Day.
I was briefly tempted to buy some pregnancy tests at the dollar store and POAS every day starting the day after ovulation to test out my trigger. But I didn't do it. I'm glad I didn't. I think that might make me crazy.
I am due to POAS next Monday morning to see if I am pregnant. If I am, great, and my RE's office will schedule a blood test in a day or two. If I'm not, I get to stop the progesterone gel and wait for AF to arrive.
We are supposed to move on from Clomid to injectables this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. So we'll see.
I am feeling neither optimistic nor pessimistic about our chances this cycle. I know that I had two good-sized follices, and I know that MM and timed our intercourse perfectly and did everything that we could do. I also know that we have done everything that we could do for 15 prior cycles with not a single BFP to show for our efforts. Given that knowledge, it would be hard to be optimistic.
I continue to know a zillion-and-one people who have babies, and the at-least-once-a-week pregnancy announcements continue. There are only so many posts I can write about that. I've kinda gotten used to it at this point.
Thought about doing ICLW this month but knew I wouldn't be posting on anything interesting this week and didn't think I'd have time to read any new blogs. Maybe next month.
Honestly, the first half of this two-week wait has gone by fast for me. I have been exceptionally busy at work and had quite a few things going on outside the office as well. Among them, I had to drive 250 miles round-trip to visit my CASA child on Saturday, and Sunday was MM's parents' 40th wedding anniversary in addition to being Fathers Day.
I was briefly tempted to buy some pregnancy tests at the dollar store and POAS every day starting the day after ovulation to test out my trigger. But I didn't do it. I'm glad I didn't. I think that might make me crazy.
I am due to POAS next Monday morning to see if I am pregnant. If I am, great, and my RE's office will schedule a blood test in a day or two. If I'm not, I get to stop the progesterone gel and wait for AF to arrive.
We are supposed to move on from Clomid to injectables this next cycle if I'm not pregnant. So we'll see.
I am feeling neither optimistic nor pessimistic about our chances this cycle. I know that I had two good-sized follices, and I know that MM and timed our intercourse perfectly and did everything that we could do. I also know that we have done everything that we could do for 15 prior cycles with not a single BFP to show for our efforts. Given that knowledge, it would be hard to be optimistic.
I continue to know a zillion-and-one people who have babies, and the at-least-once-a-week pregnancy announcements continue. There are only so many posts I can write about that. I've kinda gotten used to it at this point.
Thought about doing ICLW this month but knew I wouldn't be posting on anything interesting this week and didn't think I'd have time to read any new blogs. Maybe next month.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sad today
I learned of something today that has greatly saddened me. As I've mentioned in a couple of previous posts, I volunteer as a CASA. My current "charge" is a 9-year-old girl ("M") who has been "legally free" (i.e., her biological parents' rights have been severed) since October 2004, when she was 4 years old. M originally came into the state's custody at age 3 after being sexually molested by her father. Her mother had not been a part of her life since she was a toddler due to drug addiction. In addition to being a child molester, her biological father had a long history of mental illness and drug addiction himself. It was never clear to me why her mother thought he should retain custody. I guess she wasn't thinking of anyone but herself and her addiction.
M has lived with a few relatives, in several different foster homes, and in two group homes since being removed from her father's care. She has had three people interested in adopting her who later backed out--one of whom was her maternal grandmother, who kept her in another state for six weeks before sending her back, saying she couldn't handle her--and one couple who declined to adopt just after learning her history. (M has a history of a number of behavioral issues, including severe tantrums and sexual acting out.)
M is a healthy, smart, Caucasian little girl who, but for her behavioral problems and family history, would likely be easy to place. She doesn't have any of the "special needs" that a lot of foster children have, in terms of illnesses or developmental delays. Unfortunately, not many parents want to take on the types of issues that she does have, particularly in a child who has suspected reactive attachment disorder.
Because she is smart, M is able to control her behavior for short periods of time and in certain settings. For example, she has never acted out sexually at school or had a tantrum there. In all the years I have known her, she has only ever had one full-blown tantrum with me and has never acted out sexually. The majority of her behaviors occur in the home in which she is living, and even there, usually only after a few weeks' "honeymoon" period.
After M's last adoption fell through last fall and she was moved to yet another foster home, I despaired of her case manager ever finding a permanent home for her. Although she is still a child, not many parents are looking to adopt a 9-year-old. . . . especially a 9-year-old with challenging behavioral issues.
So I was cautiously optimistic when a married couple who I will call "L" and "G" were found. Wife L had been in foster care herself as a child and was active in foster care advocacy. Husband G works in law enforcement. They had four dogs and two horses. (M loves animals, especially horses.) Despite having spent several weekends with M and seeing many of her behaviors firsthand, they seemed committed to being her parents and working through her problems. I met them and was favorably impressed. More importantly, MM was favorably impressed. (My husband is a MUCH better judge of people on first impression than I, probably due to supervising convicted felons for a living.)
M moved in with L and G full-time just after Memorial Day. L and G were employing strict discipline in an attempt to break M of her tantrums. Nothing abusive: just setting some appropriate boundaries and expectations, something that M has had little experience of in foster care.
In the past couple of weeks, I had received some emails from L that indicated some problems. M had begun using a "divide and conquer" strategy and aligning herself with G. G did not see that he was being manipulated and had begun siding with M against L at times in disputes. Needless to say, this was putting a strain on L and G's marriage. L had investigated the possibility of sending M to respite care for a weekend so that she and G could regroup and "work on [their] marriage."
So I shouldn't have been surprised today when I received this email from L:
M was disrupted yesterday from our home [i.e., she was removed and placed elsewhere]. M sexually acted out toward G on Monday night. Everything I had feared and suspected about M's unusual and inappropriate attachment toward G was confirmed. G was completely shocked and traumatized. We are both devastated, but we know this was the right decision. We are incapable of giving her what she needs to get better.
M is now living in another group home indefinitely. I don't know what will happen to this child, but I am very sad that things did not work for her--yet again--with this family. And I'm worried that she will never find a family who can meet her needs and help her be normal.
Life is so unfair. M has had more instability in her 9 years of life than most people I know experience in a lifetime. She has so much potential. It's sad.
M has lived with a few relatives, in several different foster homes, and in two group homes since being removed from her father's care. She has had three people interested in adopting her who later backed out--one of whom was her maternal grandmother, who kept her in another state for six weeks before sending her back, saying she couldn't handle her--and one couple who declined to adopt just after learning her history. (M has a history of a number of behavioral issues, including severe tantrums and sexual acting out.)
M is a healthy, smart, Caucasian little girl who, but for her behavioral problems and family history, would likely be easy to place. She doesn't have any of the "special needs" that a lot of foster children have, in terms of illnesses or developmental delays. Unfortunately, not many parents want to take on the types of issues that she does have, particularly in a child who has suspected reactive attachment disorder.
Because she is smart, M is able to control her behavior for short periods of time and in certain settings. For example, she has never acted out sexually at school or had a tantrum there. In all the years I have known her, she has only ever had one full-blown tantrum with me and has never acted out sexually. The majority of her behaviors occur in the home in which she is living, and even there, usually only after a few weeks' "honeymoon" period.
After M's last adoption fell through last fall and she was moved to yet another foster home, I despaired of her case manager ever finding a permanent home for her. Although she is still a child, not many parents are looking to adopt a 9-year-old. . . . especially a 9-year-old with challenging behavioral issues.
So I was cautiously optimistic when a married couple who I will call "L" and "G" were found. Wife L had been in foster care herself as a child and was active in foster care advocacy. Husband G works in law enforcement. They had four dogs and two horses. (M loves animals, especially horses.) Despite having spent several weekends with M and seeing many of her behaviors firsthand, they seemed committed to being her parents and working through her problems. I met them and was favorably impressed. More importantly, MM was favorably impressed. (My husband is a MUCH better judge of people on first impression than I, probably due to supervising convicted felons for a living.)
M moved in with L and G full-time just after Memorial Day. L and G were employing strict discipline in an attempt to break M of her tantrums. Nothing abusive: just setting some appropriate boundaries and expectations, something that M has had little experience of in foster care.
In the past couple of weeks, I had received some emails from L that indicated some problems. M had begun using a "divide and conquer" strategy and aligning herself with G. G did not see that he was being manipulated and had begun siding with M against L at times in disputes. Needless to say, this was putting a strain on L and G's marriage. L had investigated the possibility of sending M to respite care for a weekend so that she and G could regroup and "work on [their] marriage."
So I shouldn't have been surprised today when I received this email from L:
M was disrupted yesterday from our home [i.e., she was removed and placed elsewhere]. M sexually acted out toward G on Monday night. Everything I had feared and suspected about M's unusual and inappropriate attachment toward G was confirmed. G was completely shocked and traumatized. We are both devastated, but we know this was the right decision. We are incapable of giving her what she needs to get better.
M is now living in another group home indefinitely. I don't know what will happen to this child, but I am very sad that things did not work for her--yet again--with this family. And I'm worried that she will never find a family who can meet her needs and help her be normal.
Life is so unfair. M has had more instability in her 9 years of life than most people I know experience in a lifetime. She has so much potential. It's sad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)