Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Sweet Georgia posed an excellent question in her comment to my post about how I would feel if I were never a mother: she asked whether I had told MM about the conversation with the counselor.

At the time of her comment, the answer to that question was no.  It wasn't because I was avoiding the topic.  I never have trouble talking with MM about anything, and our infertility has been no exception. . . . but at the same time, it's not a topic I like to bring up unless we both have time and the right frame of mind to discuss it.  With my mother at our house (and the drama at the end of her visit which I wrote about in my last post) and late nights at work all week, there wasn't really an appropriate moment to discuss this with MM until this past Friday night.

On Friday night, we were out for a mini-celebratory dinner (at Outback Steakhouse) because of my mother's departure.  We were both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted.

I came right out and told him that, while I may have said things in the recent past that might have led him to believe I don't care whether or not we have a child, in actuality, I still really want to be a mother and know I will deeply regret it if I don't do everything I can to make that happen.  I told him I understand his reservations about spending the money that a DE IVF cycle would cost but made it clear that I don't share his concerns.  (I would rather go into *some* debt trying this route rather than just give up.)

I also told him another thing that I told NC: that if it were solely my choice, I would already be signed up as a foster parent for children under age 2, with the hope that perhaps the first (or second, or third) child placed with me would someday be available for adoption.  To me, although this is a risky option in that the child might be returned to the parents or another family member, it is a risk I'd be willing to take.  Becoming a foster parent is practically free, and if the child left our home, at least I'd know I did everything I could to give him/her a good start in life.

MM's response was that he was glad to hear that I still want to be a mother, as he had begun to wonder, based on some of my recent comments.  He "would much rather we have a kid than not," so he feels we are pretty much on the same page.  He stopped short of saying he would "do anything" to make my desire to be a mother a reality (for example, he once again rejected my suggestion that we sign up as foster parents for children under 2, feeling he could not take the heartbreak if the child were removed from our care), but said he would really like to pursue the embryo donation route.

He also said he would be willing to do DE IVF if it were half the cost.  The only way I can think of to make it (roughly) half the cost would be to share a cycle with someone else going through DE IVF. . . . so I am looking into making that possibility a reality along with potentially having embryos donated to us.  (Upside of sharing a DE cycle: the timing is a bit more within our control than with embryo donation.  Who knows when, or if, a couple will pick us to donate their embryos to?)

MM also agreed to go to a counseling session with me.  I framed this as "it will be a big help to me," and that's true.  I also think it could be a help to him.

So while there is still a lot of uncertainty about where we will go from here, it is good to have the lines of communication open and feel that we are working toward a common goal.


  1. I'm so glad that the two of you talked about things!

  2. Oh that is great, you must feel so relieved that are both on the same page, sometimes that is the biggest challenge. I think the counselling is a great idea & I think he will be surprised on how much he benefited from it.
    Goodluck with your DE IVF investigations, will be reading for your updates

  3. wow, this is just amazing. I am so glad that you are working together, communicating, and getting on the same page. I think both Donor egg and embryo are good options and certainly think the couples sessions are a great idea. Keep us posted on what the next steps are...

  4. I'm glad you guys talked about things. I was bummed out for you after your limbo post. I think it would be great if your husband went to a counseling session with you! Nothing like a 3rd party present to help you both sort out your feelings regarding treament.

    I don't know if my husband would be that open! Good luck with your appointment and figuring out a game plan. It stinks that DE IVF is so damn expensive!

  5. Have you looked into DE IVF overseas?

    There are incredible clinics in Europe with excellent success rates, European standards which equal or exceed those in the US and the cost is about one third of the cost in the US. You can check out the fertility friends uk forums and look at clinics in Czech Republic, Spain or Cyprus.

  6. FYI - the embryo donation process at CCRM is very lengthy and can take two years. It is all done anonymously. You don't get to pick which embryos but you do get to pick whether or not you accept the donor profiles. Most people don't realize this process - so that is why I am sharing it with you.

    I am glad MM decided to go to a counseling session with you.

    It is a shame that things boil down to cost. But, you do what you have to do.

    I just hope things don't stall any further for you.


  7. @the first Anonymous: we have looked into DE IVF overseas. It isn't a viable option for us, primarily because I cannot take a week off work to travel there. . . and that's assuming it worked on the first try. (I can't even imagine what I'd tell my employer if I needed to make a second trip out of the country just a few months later.)

    Additionally, my husband is not at all comfortable with the idea of getting treatment in a foreign country. I even tried to talk him into South Africa, since it is a country that he has long wanted to visit, but no dice. And we'd still have the problem of having to devote at least a week (and possibly more) to traveling there.

  8. I'm so glad to read your update!I think going the shared cycle route is a really viable option for you. I don't know a lot about it and am not sure if your first choice for DE IVF clinic offers it, I am sure you'll be able to find loads of great clinics that offer shared cycle. I don't know if you've checked out this site, but I have long posted there - it's the Looking to be a Mom through DE boards. You could ask there about shared cycles. The women are mainly from the States and are really open to sharing their experiences. Here's the link: http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/


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