Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Another year, same old me

Before infertility, I used to enjoy the end-of-year "look back" and the setting of resolutions or goals for the next year.  Invariably there would be some unpleasant things that had happened during the past year, but more often I would look back with pride on my accomplishments and look forward with hope for doing more and better in the coming year.

Now, after nearly three years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby of our own, it is very hard to focus on the positives.  I'm sure they are there.  It's just hard to feel good about professional successes and the like when I feel like there is a huge void in my life that may never be filled, that it is beyond my ability to fill.

So here I sit, a few days before the end of 2010, still childless (and still fat, but let's stay on topic).

I hate how infertility has tainted my view of my life.  Let's see if I can come up with something anyway.

Top ten things that happened in my life this year (in no particular order)

1. Visited Disneyland with MM (his first visit)
2. Visited California Adventure for the first time
3. Got a new, better-paying job
4. Hosted my nephew's first visit to Arizona
5. Paid off my car
6. Celebrated my second wedding anniversary with MM
7. Sought counseling about my infertility
8. Saw the child for whom I am a CASA placed in an adoptive home (her third, but it looks like this one is going to work out)
9. Spent my birthday in Las Vegas (for the third time, LOL) and saw the Cirque du Soleil show "O" (awesome!)
10. Spent a summer weekend in San Diego

Top ten things that I would like to do (or see happen) in 2011 (not listed in order of importance or likelihood)

1. Become a mother (this should actually be #1-5. My goal used to be to "get pregnant," but at this point, I am more focused on the end than the means.)
2. Lose weight (on the list again for the nth time)
3. Visit my nephew Rowan at least twice(seeing him three times in a year was on my list for 2009 and 2010.  I fell short of my goal and only saw the little guy twice each year, so maybe twice is more realistic.)
4. Earn a favorable first review (and bonus) at my new job
5. Make it to my third wedding anniversary with MM with our relationship (and respective sanities) intact
6. Take a vacation to somewhere exotic
7. See my father recover fully from his recent extensive shoulder surgery
8. Finally convince my mother to get her own place in Arizona so she isn't at our house for 6-8 weeks every winter.  (If she had her own place, she could stay longer and we'd all enjoy it more.)
9. Celebrate my 40th birthday with my sister.  (This one is going to happen, barring anything radical going wrong; reservations are already made.)
10. Resist the urge to buy a new car


  1. I hope 2011 is a great year for you!

  2. Congrats on all you accomplished in 2010! Sending good thoughts your way to accomplish ALL the items on your 2011 list :)

  3. I totally understand how IF tends to color the entire year, it is important keep this perspective. Thank you for that.
    wishing so much for all those things to come true in 2011 (especially the first one on the list).

  4. I think this is a realistic review! I should start all my resolutions whith what's been accomplished the year before. Maybe then I wouldn't be so disappointed when "Lose Weight" shows up for the "nth" time on my list, too! :)

  5. Congrats for all the great things you achieved in 2010, with all the IF issues aside, you did some wonferful things. I totally understand how IF overshadows everything in your life. You sort of go thru the motions but you have this empty void inside. Here is 2011 and I sincerely hope you are able to tick everything off on your list...

  6. Wait a minute...your mother stays with you for 6-8 weeks every winter? Seriously?

    These are great lists, though, and please don't sell short the great accomplishments you have made. Very impressive.

  7. Ginger, yes, my mother stays with us 6-8 weeks every winter. (Two years ago, she stayed 3 months, but then my husband said that was too long and gave a limit.)

    MM is a saint. ;-)

  8. Hi there, I liked your lists so much I decided to make my own and I liked to yours, I hope you don't mind.

    I'm also three years into this baby-making project and found the task of thinking of 10 good things for the past year quite a challenge. Thanks for reminding me that there really is a life happening to me even while my sight is so narrowly focused TTCing.

  9. G&l read my mind. Whoa.

    Your list is great, but yeah, it is hard to focus on anything else when you have baby blinders on your eyes.


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