Truth Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Wow, need I even answer this one on this blog? I need to forgive myself for being unable to have a baby. To forgive myself for waiting to TTC. For not being able to make my husband a father and my in-laws grandparents.

Yeah. I'm working on it.

Truth Day 2

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Hmm, interestingly, this one is a little tougher than the last, though obviously there are *some* things I love about myself.

I love that I am a loyal and caring friend. I am very proud to say that I have many friends whom I talk with regularly, several of whom I have known for years and years.

They say that to have a friend, you must first be a friend. I have definitely found that to be true in my own life.

30 Days of Truth Challenge

I found this on another non-IF blog I read regularly (password-protected or I would link) and decided that this is a 30-day challenge I could do. Each day I will write a post on the topic for that day.

Feel free to join me if you'd like, or leave your own answer in the comments.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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I will start today because the first day's question is an easy one for me: something I hate about myself.

For years and years, since my teens, I have hated being overweight. Except for about 6 months when I was 21, I have been anywhere from 15-85 pounds overweight since I was about 14 or 15. I have battled my weight constantly throughout my adulthood and continue to battle it.

So yeah, I hate that about myself even more than the fact that I am infertile.

I got the job

(If you know me in real life, please keep this news under wraps for the time being.  Thanks.)

I received a call this afternoon from the managing partner of the firm with which I interviewed last week and also back in July, and he made me an offer!  The salary is a little bit less than my demand, but with (potential) bonus has the possibility to be equal, or more than, my requested salary.

I had already considered the relative pros and cons, and MM and I had already discussed the possibility of my getting an offer there, so I went ahead and accepted.  My start date is uncertain, as it is in part dependent upon when I can wrap things up at my current job.  I haven't given notice yet--plan to do so today, or more likely tomorrow--so I will have to see what they want me to do.  I am thinking it will be at least 30 days notice.

I'm excited to take on a new challenge, relieved that I found another (good) job before getting laid off at my current firm, and happy that I will be making more money!  At the same time, I really like the people I work with at my current job and will miss many of them.  There is always that bittersweet feeling leaving any job, unless you really hated it.

So that's my news.

One of those days

Just when I think I am doing well coping with my emotions about being unable to have a child of my own, I have a day like today.  I woke up feeling exhausted and a little headache-y, despite a full night's sleep, only to see on Fac.ebo.ok the announcement of another birth (the third in less than a week!) and another pregnancy.  And the new father and mother-to-be have birthdays today, so they are getting even more than the usual amount of comments on their announcements.  Ugh.

(Oh, and lest anyone once again think/say "You don't know what they went through to get pregnant," um, yeah, I do.  None of the three people who have had children this week had any problems conceiving them, and the woman who announced her pregnancy basically came out and said it was an "oops". . . .her daughter is only 6 months old, and her children will be only a year apart.)

Couple all this with the fact that I am working on a couple of annoying projects at work and still waiting anxiously to find out about the other job I'm hoping to get, and it's shaping up to be a craptastic day.  Man, do I wish I still drank coffee!!

I realized belatedly that I forgot to write about the "homework" my counselor suggested for me.  We talked a little bit about whether I had thought about and pictured what my future child would look like and be like.  I don't know about you, but um, yes, I have thought about this, many times, both before meeting my husband and since.

She suggested I get a doll or photo or something else that symbolizes the image I have in my mind of that child and then write a letter to her (yes, for me, it's a her), explaining how I feel about the fact that we will probably never meet.  She said that the purpose of this exercise is to help me to let go of this (theoretical, future) child so that I will be open to the child who is "supposed to" come to me/us.

I can see the usefulness of this exercise.  So far, I have only gotten as far as searching the internet to see if I could find a photo which matches my mental image, and I haven't yet.  I may work more on this project this weekend.

I must get back to work, as I am momentarily quite busy.  I will get through today by reminding myself that things always seem to get better eventually.

First counseling session

I had my first session with the counselor today, as planned, and I liked her.  I will definitely be going back.

Interestingly, she has been a counselor for 20 years and has also had her own struggle with IF, which (luckily) ended happily with the birth of a child.  Since that time, counseling people dealing with infertility has been a special interest of hers, because when she was going through IF, she found a dearth of qualified professionals who could truly understand what she was going through.  (And by coincidence, she and her husband were treated by the same RE as us.)   She has also counseled at least five couples who have gone the DE IVF route.

Naturally, most of the session was taken up with my bringing her up to speed on me and on where we are with our infertility.  We talked a lot about my marriage, our "unexplained" diagnosis, our TTC history, and our contemplation of DE IVF, as well as a little bit about my personal and family background.

Embarrassingly, I started crying within the first ten minutes of the session and ended up crying off and on, about half the session total.  (My eyes are still puffy and scratchy, and I left with a mild headache from all the crying!)  At one point when I was crying, she asked what I was thinking, and I told her honestly that I felt embarrassed about falling apart in front of her.  I mean, even though she is a professional counselor, she is also a total stranger, and this meeting was our first.  Not surprisingly, she didn't think I had any need to feel embarrassed, but I did.  It is just so uncharacteristic for me to break down like that.

Afterward, on the way home, I hit one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants for my form of comfort food.  LOL.  I have been working diligently on eating better and losing weight, and making some progress, but much as I hate to admit it, fatty, carb-rich foods do make me feel better when I'm down, at least temporarily.

I suppose the fact that I cried so much, and so easily, in such an unaccustomed way, just goes to show how much I am holding back some strong emotions and how much I need to be getting help from an objective third-party to work through them.  I do genuinely feel that I am coping well most of the time, but today showed me how powerful my emotions really are and how strongly they can affect me when I let them rise above the surface.  It felt odd to open up about my feelings of hopelessness, sadness and loss, but good in a way, cathartic.

My primary goal is to work through my feelings of sadness and grief at the prospect of never having my own biological child so that I can work toward accepting other paths to parenthood.  (Currently, given my husband's feelings on the matter, that will mean DE for us.)  I feel that I cannot, in good conscience, go ahead with plans for anything until I have come to terms with this loss.  So I hope that I will be able to do this successfully.

Financial thoughts

Thinking about spending $30K+ on fertility treatment has made me think about the value of everything in my life on which I spend money.  Twice-a-month massages?  Sure, they help me manage my stress and cut down on my headaches, but they're not really necessary.  Things like pedicures and facials are nice and relaxing, but definitely something I can live without.  Does MM really need the HD expanded cable package with HBO and the Big Ten network?

I even find myself thinking about what our two golden retrievers cost us.  Two 80-lb dogs eat a lot!  Add in vet bills, medications, pet-sitting services when we are away, etc., and it adds up.  (We would never consider getting rid of our dogs to save money.)

I am slightly ashamed to admit that neither MM nor I is a saver by nature.  Prior to IF, we had a little bit of money put away--most of which we'd earmarked to replace my salary during a maternity leave--but we always thought there'd be plenty of time to save more someday.  Well, now someday is here, or at least fast-approaching, much sooner than we thought it would.

In brainstorming sessions with MM, we have discussed a lot of possible options to get more money.  Could we sell things we own and don't use on craigslist?  Neither of us owns a lot of unnecessary things, and certainly not any which would be worth a great deal of money.  Get a second job?  Given the demands of practicing law, that's probably not a viable option for me, if I could even find a second job in the current job market, and MM's employer places restrictions on his moonlighting. 

Home values in our area have continued to drop over the two years we've owned our home (we saw a house for sale in our neighborhood with our same floor plan for $100K less than we paid for ours two years ago), so refinancing and a home equity loan are both out of the question.  MM's parents have very generously offered to help us with the cost of fertility treatment, but they could only afford to give us $5K.  Neither of my parents have any money put away--truth be told, we'll be lucky if they are able to continue to be self-supporting for the rest of their lives--so there is no potential for financial help there.

The most obvious way for us to get more money is for one of us to get a better-paying job.  MM has been at his current job for over 12 years, loves it, and has no intention of doing anything else. . . . and even if he was willing to change jobs, his options would be very limited and would probably not pay much more than he currently makes.

So I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get an offer from the other firm with which I interviewed Thursday.  A change would do me good, and we could really use the extra money I will make if they match my salary demand.