Letting go

Thank you for all your comments about my husband.  I am happy to report that he was released from the hospital over the weekend and has continued to make steady improvement since then.  He is more tired and weak than usual but otherwise mostly back to normal.

I had my third counseling session yesterday.  I was proud that I didn't cry at all!  (I did tear up a time or two, but no tears actually fell.)  We talked about what practical steps I could take to become OK with the idea of doing DE IVF, and I think she was surprised to learn that I have already taken many of them. . . . . reading up on what is involved and how the procedure works; joining a forum of other parents who have used or are using DE; choosing a clinic; "shopping" for a donor.

We talked a bit about my anger at having to use this path to achieve pregnancy.  (Yes, I know I am lucky to have this as a viable alternative, but I am still angry about having to use it also.)  My "homework" for the week is to write down daily something that I am willing to "let go" of in order to pursue DE, i.e., "I am letting go of my anger at having to spend $35K on DE IVF instead of a new car" or "I am letting go of my anger at not being able to conceive 'naturally'."

She also gave me a book to read, and I will write more about that once I've read the chapters she suggested.

Overall, I do feel that I am coming to terms with this situation.  Although I sometimes chafe at the (necessary) delay, I do think that the fact that I have to wait until next summer to pursue DE IVF for financial reasons is affording me some much-needed time to be completely on board with this option.

One thing I brought up at the end of the session that I wanted to discuss in future is the whole "to tell or not to tell" question.  So far, only my BFF, sister, mother and in-laws know we are seriously considering this option.  (Well, and all of you, of course.  And those of you who know me in real life I trust to keep this to yourselves.)

My biggest quandary is whether and when/how to tell my father.  As I've written about before, he and his wife are on limited information status and don't even know about our IF.

We will discuss that in more detail at a future session, and I think MM will need to be a part of this discussion, if for no other reason than because we are not on the same page about this.

So, dear readers. . . . if you feel comfortable, share something in the comments that you have had to "let go" of on your IF journey.  I know I am not the only one who is not able to take her preferred path to parenthood. . . . .

EDITED TO ADD:  Oh, I almost forgot!  Yet another law school classmate announced her pregnancy on FB this morning, and for the first time in ages, it didn't feel like a punch in the gut.  (And she isn't even a close friend or anything.)  Hmm.  Maybe I am making some progress in dealing with my feelings.