Isn't it funny how, even when you're infertile and have close-to-zero hope of conceiving naturally, there is still a tiny glimmer of hope that you might actually, miraculously, be pregnant each cycle? Until AF arrives, that is.
I started having my usual mild cramps and spotting yesterday afternoon, and today AF has undoubtedly made her monthly appearance. Her arrival is a few days earlier than expected, making this past cycle only 25 days long. I am beginning to seriously think that I am approaching menopause, given these shorter cycles I've been having the past few months.
Given that I'm about 99.5% sure that we are going to go ahead with DE IVF next summer, I guess the approach of menopause doesn't really matter as much. And apparently my eggs were already crap anyway, so who cares.
MM had his usual moment of anger last night when I told him AF was on her way. I said "Really? You actually still hope it'll happen?" And he responded "Yeah. And it's clear you don't."
Yeah. I cannot pinpoint precisely when it happened, but sometime in the past several months, I have (mostly) accepted that I am never going to get pregnant with my own eggs. A biological child is simply not in the cards for me.
While I can't say I'm happy about that, it is what it is.
I'm the same way. I go back and forth with being hopeful about natural conception to having no hope at all and acting completely jaded. It's strange. But there IS the chance, even if it is small. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I'm sorry AF showed.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry she showed. That stinks. I think we all will have a tiny bit of hope always.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry she made her usual appearance.
ReplyDeleteOh S. I am sorry. I know that hope all too well. And my ever-hopeful hubs is the same way.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
My husband is the same way as yours - an eternal optimist. He still says to me that he thinks that maybe we just have had bad timing because it's hard to predict when I'm going to ovulate (I ovulate anywhere from CD12 to CD21). And then I say to him, "Well, how come none of our IUIs or our IVF worked?" But somehow he still is so hopeful. It's annoying but also I'm glad at least one of us has hope. So sorry for your CD1. I hate CD1. It's a day to just stay home, drink wine, and watch a full season of whatever is your favorite TV show. Ok, that's what I do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I wish you and MM were closer to being on the same page with this stuff.
ReplyDeleteHi ~ I don't think I've commented before, but wow, I am sorry on so many levels...that a period comes early, that you are realizing you may not have a biological child, that this is all so sad. I have that hope every month too *sigh*
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