One of the clinics I am seriously considering for DE IVF has allowed me access to their donor database even though we are technically not yet official patients of the clinic. I love the set-up of their site, and they provide a lot of detailed information about the donors. . . . including their psych evals and other personal information.
But I can't help but feel like I am shopping for a mother for our child. Or browsing profiles on an online dating site. It's an odd feeling.
(It's weird, too, how a number of the donors on the site were born after I graduated from high school. Wow, nothing like THAT to make me feel especially old!)
I know that, should we go through with DE IVF (and it's looking more and more like we will), I will feel that the child is totally mine, regardless of the lack of my genetic material. At this stage, though, while thinking about eventually choosing a donor, it's a little surreal.
I have kept both my parents out of the loop for a while in regard to our TTC efforts. I talked in detail here about why my father is on limited information status (to put it in a nutshell: his wife has a big mouth), and my mother tends to be fairly self-involved in general and had said some hurtful things to me in the past. (To be fair to my mom, I don't think she meant to hurt my feelings; she just really cannot relate to my being infertile, since she always had the opposite problem during her own reproductive years.)
This past Saturday, I decided I would tell my mom that we are seriously considering DE IVF, and the news was very well received. She said she thinks it is great that the technology exists for us to pursue this option and that she thinks we are smart to do it, even though it is very expensive. I swore her to secrecy, and unlike my stepmother, I know that she can keep a secret. (She has told some extended family about our IF, which I am OK with. . . . I just don't want her telling anyone about the DE possibility until we've decided how we want to handle that.)
My first appointment with the counselor is on 9/12, and I am eager to get started on the emotional work necessary for me to feel 100% OK with pursuing DE. MM and I also had a long talk about my decision to go to a counselor and why I made it, and in the course of that discussion, he came to some interesting realizations. I may write more about that in a future post, but suffice it to say, DE IVF remains his preferred next step for us.