Ever since I realized that MM was likely to become a permanent part of my life, I have thought about what our jointly-conceived child would be like. MM and I met online, so we were both aware that the other wanted children before we ever met face-to-face, and our hope to become parents someday in the near future was discussed quite early on in our relationship.
Would she be blond and blue-eyed like him, or brunette and brown-eyed like me? (In my imaginings, I admit, our child was always a "she". . . . we both have expressed a preference for having a daughter over a son, though goodness knows, we would gladly take whichever gender we got.) Would her hair be thick and curly like mine, or fine and stick-straight like MM's? Would she inherit his high metabolism (please, please) or my tendency toward being overweight? I was sure she would be smart, and I hoped she would have my husband's motivation and work ethic instead of mine. I wondered whether she would inherit musical talent from my side of the family or picky eating habits from his.
Knowing that it is likely that I will never see a child who is a MM/S combination makes me sad. I think never having a child at all would be worse, though.
I think that the loss of a genetic connection to your child is certainly something to mourn. I know you can get through this part and will have an amazing connection to your child one day (regardless of genetics).
ReplyDeleteI think about that often: never having the opportunity to see a child that is part me and part my husband. It makes me sad. It makes me sad that I may never be able to give my mom a grandchild. It makes me sad that I may never hear the word "mom" come out of someone's mouth and directed toward me. This disease is sad.
ReplyDeleteI used to think about this all the time. Now, that we have moved forward with DE, those thoughts just don't come around anymore. I am hoping that once you make the decision, things will get easier for you.
ReplyDeleteI think of it from time to time too. It's definitely a loss that deserves proper mourning. Sorry you are feeling the sting of grief that DE brings.
ReplyDeleteEven though I was adopted, I felt linked to my parents and I know that I have many of their mannerisms and habits despite our "lack" of a genetic link. Granted, genes have a lot to do with it, but so does environment and those connections will be there no matter what. (And people still think I'm the spitting image of my mom).
ReplyDeleteI get that.
ReplyDeleteHave you read anything on epigenetics? If you are going the route of donor eggs, no dna passes between the mother and the baby, but there are messages that are sent from the mother's RNA (I believe - you should definitely look into this) that turns on/off certain traits in the child's dna. It means that the child from donor eggs will look/act completely different than if the donor had carried the baby. The mother (carrier for lack of a better word) sends messages that makes the child uniquely her own. I found a lot of comfort in this. I look at it that my child is 25% mine, 25% donor and 50% dh.
ReplyDeleteHope that you're able to do some research on this yourself. I'm not sure if I explained it completely properly.
I always knew I would be a mom. I just didn't know my path to get there would be so difficult. So yes, I totally get what it's like to have to give up on "part" to get to "whole."
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