If I had to sum up how I feel after this latest BFN, "tired" would pretty much cover it. Tired of trying and failing month after month. Tired of letting my husband down and being the cause of his disappointment and sadness. Tired of wasting money on treatments that clearly aren't helping. Tired of putting up with medication side effects for nothing. Tired of facing questions--spoken and unspoken--about whether and when we plan to have a child. (These are obviously coming from people who don't know the details of our situation. For those close to us who are in the know, they just don't ask anymore.)
Given how I'm feeling, I am glad we are not doing treatment the next two months. I need a break. The disappointment is still there every month that I'm not pregnant, even if we haven't used medical intervention, so the feelings of failure won't go away. But at least we won't be wasting our money, and I won't have to put up with all the side effects of the various medications or the other physical discomforts of treatment.
As I said yesterday, I feel even worse for MM than for myself. To add insult to injury, shortly after getting my BFN yesterday morning, he got a call from one of the felons he supervises. This 22-year-old man has three children who are in the custody of Child Protective Services. (I'm sure he's an EXCELLENT father.) His schedule had not included a visit with them for Father's Day, and he needed to get his P.O.'s (MM's) permission to deviate from his planned schedule so that he could see them. MM was very bitter about the fact that this convicted felon, who the state has deemed unfit to parent, would be spending the day with his three children while MM spent another childless Father's Day.
On top of that, because my father & stepmother were here, MM had to spend the day doing things as a group with the three of us, when he would have preferred to be alone, I'm sure. And we also did not spend the day doing things he wanted to do. I feel bad, but it could not really be helped.
On a more positive note, my visit with my father & stepmother has been going fine. They seem to be enjoying themselves. I haven't gotten in an argument with my father, and so far as I know, I have managed not to say anything to upset my stepmother this weekend. They are staying through tonight, when we will be going to a baseball game (Yankees vs. Diamondbacks), and they will be leaving tomorrow morning. So if I can just get through the game without any conflict, I will be in the clear until the next visit. . . . which probably won't be until the holidays, I'd imagine.
I'm not sure how much I will be writing here in the weeks to come while we are not doing treatment. I have reached a point where I feel a bit like a broken record writing about my feelings related to my inability to conceive, because I have written about these feelings so many times before. And really, I am kind of resigned at this point.
Were it just up to me, I would be ready to just completely give up TTC and accept that I will live a childless life. Continually trying and failing at anything is simply something that I normally do not do. I have always lived my life by the philosophy "If it doesn't come easy, don't try to force it." Unfortunately, MM does not feel the same way, so we will continue to try, hoping that somehow, some way, against the odds, we will be successful.