I felt fine when I wrote yesterday's post, but as the workday progressed, I felt lower and lower. (It probably didn't help that I am not nearly as busy as I should be at work. . . . which may sound like a good thing but isn't when your pay is tied to the amount of work you do and you are worried about getting laid off.) From late morning on, I found myself, by turns, borderline weepy, apathetic and lethargic, and angry.
When I get in a down mood like that, I find it difficult to think logically and rationally about my life. So even though, on an intellectual level, I know that most things in my life are good--MM; my parents, sister, nephew, and in-laws; my friends; my doggies; my career, even if not this specific job; my home, my car--I develop a serious case of the f'#%-its. You know. I can only dwell on what is wrong, not on what is right. And I just decide that my whole life is sh1t and I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Ahem. A very productive thought process, I'm sure you'll agree.
Times in the past when I have found myself in this type of mood, I have found it helpful to find some positive action(s) I can take in my life to move out of my slump. Sometimes this is as simple as cleaning out and organizing a closet; other times, it has spurred me to change jobs, or end a relationship, or move to a different city.
Rarely do the positive actions I decide to devote my time and attention to directly impact whatever is actually getting me down. Yet somehow the change in focus helps, even if only temporarily.
So, in light of my current feelings about TTC, I've decided I am going to devote myself to losing as much weight as I can for the next two break cycles. To that end, I signed up to do the hCG diet. (You can read more about the plan I will be doing here if you are interested.) I hesitated at first because (1) it takes a lot of willpower to only eat 500 calories a day for three weeks, willpower I'm not sure I have, and (2) it costs more than I've ever spent on any diet program. (I've done Weight Watchers multiple times, Jenny Craig more than once, Body for Life, the South Beach diet, and a few fad diets.)
Putting the cost in perspective, though, it is about the same as our out-of-pocket cost for an IUI cycle, if you include all the meds and scans. The only difference for me is that I will be paying 100% of the cost, whereas MM and I share the costs of our treatment cycles.
Due to some logistical issues, I cannot start the diet until July 17. (Have to see my doctor to get labwork done and the official go-ahead first.) So until then, starting next Tuesday (my father & stepmother are in town through Tuesday, I am out of town all weekend, and I need a day when I get back to grocery shop), I am going to start eating all whole foods again. No more processed stuff. If we eat out, I will only have a salad without dressing with grilled chicken or fish. I am also going to work out for at least 30 minutes six days a week. (My BFF is currently doing "two-a-day" workouts to jump-start some weight loss.) No more excuses!!
Following through on this plan should keep my mind pretty occupied, between working out (nearly) every day, planning menus, shopping for food, and preparing meals. And I feel sure that, while losing weight may not increase my fertility, it certainly can't hurt.
I need to find something else to occupy my mind, too, but I am still mulling that over. For years, I have talked about writing a novel, but despite signing up for National Novel Writing Month, I have never passed the "talking about it" stage. Given my situation at work, I should probably be looking more actively for another position. I read 2-3 novels per week already, and clearly that isn't helping. And writing this blog, while a good outlet for me, doesn't exactly take my mind off TTC-related things.
Any suggestions? Outdoor activities are out since it is close to a billion degrees here every day for the foreseeable future.