Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tick tock

March 2nd was CD 29 for me. (It's sad that I actually know this, but I do.) At this point, I've lost track of the precise number of cycles that have passed since we started TTC. I know it is around 25, but I couldn't tell you if it's 24 or 27.

Normally my cycles are 27 days long. On one rare, hope-raising occasion in June 2008, I had a 32-day cycle, but for the most part, when my body is left to its own devices, AF always arrives for me on CD 27 or CD 28, depending on the time of day.

I mentioned that I did OPKs this cycle at my husband's request. . . . but I actually only used them on CDs 10-14 because I just used up the ones I had left at home, rather than buying a whole new box. I only had 5 OPKs, and I stopped testing once they were gone. I never got a positive OPK, and I usually do by CD 12 or CD 13. So it seems to me a pretty good bet that I either (1) ovulated late (which has happened more than once when I was charting), or (2) didn't ovulate at all (which did not happen in over a year of BBT charting).

I also usually get mild cramps and spotting 12-24 hours before my actual period arrives, and so far this month, nothing. Though to be fair, I have been taking Ex.ced.rin for a headache since about 4:15 this morning, so that could be masking any cramps I might otherwise be feeling.

I have been at this TTC game WAY too long to be feeling any optimism whatsoever about the fact that my period is late. My primary emotion about AF's failure to arrive on time is annoyance. I hate starting my period when I'm not anticipating it; it's more than a little inconvenient on a few levels.

It's possible that I could be pregnant on our own. After all, we are "unexplained," and according to our RE, I am "subfertile" rather than "infertile." MM and I had sex often enough this past cycle that we are almost certain to have done it during the pertinent time period. Obviously, we did not use contraception. It may be highly improbable, but it's not impossible.

I'm also annoyed that my late period has given rise to a teeny-tiny little glimmer of hope that I might actually (miracle of miracles!) be pregnant. At my age, after nearly two years of unsuccessful TTC, you would think that the intellectual realization of how unlikely it is that I would actually conceive naturally would override any such foolish hope. Hrmph.

Apart from AF's late arrival, life is good. I haven't been dwelling much on our inability to have a baby lately. (Though my husband's grieving process seems to be stuck in the angry/bitter phase. He got upset at the new iPhone commercial where the mom/user gets video of her baby's first steps and sends it to everyone. I can't tell him about anyone's pregnancy announcements or births anymore without his getting angry. Poor guy.) I have been focusing on other things, like my job, working on losing weight, projects at home, reading the books on my "to be read" pile, and preparing for my mother's upcoming month-long visit.

The fact that I am doing OK at the moment is another thing that makes my late period annoying. Can't I just have one month when I don't think about my infertility?!

1 comment:

  1. I really hate that teeny tiny is such a letdown every month, isn't it? It is so hard to push it out of our minds too. The what ifs are difficult. Just keep loving on those doggies of yours in the time being. They can be fun "pseudo children". Sorry your husband is so angry too:( That must make it harder.


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