I need a wife

Note: This may or may not be genuine; see Snopes.  I think it's funny, nonetheless.  Also, as you read along, it will become obvious that the "good wife" is more likely than not someone who is not employed outside the home.

How to Be a Good Wife (circa 1955):

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Hmm.  I think I've mentioned here before that I don't really cook for MM.  Fail.

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Yeah, I pretty much gave up wearing makeup, except on special occasions, when I got pregnant and haven't really resumed wearing it.  I can't remember the last time I put a ribbon in my hair, and I'd be surprised if I am "fresh-looking" when MM rolls in around 7:30 p.m., after caring for our sons for over two hours alone during their fussiest time of the day.  Fail.

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

I do try to be upbeat and positive.  Some days are more challenging than others.  I'll give myself at least partial credit on this one.

• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

Ooh, MM abhors clutter and would love it if I did this!  But I don't.  The only time I will definitely clear away clutter is on the one Wednesday a month when our cleaning lady is coming.  Fail.

• During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

We don't have a fireplace, and we live in a desert climate where it would only be cool enough to merit a fire maybe 15-20 days out of the whole year.  I won't say "fail" to this one; I'll say it's inapplicable.

• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Hahaha.  MM seldom comes home to the washer, dryer or vacuum running, but it's not uncommon for him to come home to one or more babies fussing or crying.  Fail.

• Be happy to see him.

Hey, I do this one!  I'm always happy to see MM. . . especially if both boys are crying.

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

OK, the warm smile I can do. . . not too sure about the rest.  Probably another fail.

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Hey, I do this one!  Well, at least most of the time.

• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Hmm.  I usually don't complain right out of the gate, as soon as he arrives, unless I've had a particularly hard evening with the boys.

• Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

MM almost never comes home late, and on the rare occasions when he does, he always gives me a heads up in advance.  So if he did come home late once in a great while, I probably wouldn't complain.  And I really can't imagine his ever staying out all night; that would be completely out of character for him.

• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Hahaha.  I generally put him to work doing something baby-related the moment he walks in.  Fail.

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

See above.  I do generally speaking in a low voice, to avoid disturbing AJ & MJ.  Otherwise, fail.

• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

I guarantee MM would laugh out loud if he read this one!  I question him ALL THE TIME (and vice versa).  Friendly debate is a feature of our relationship.  And the idea that he is the "master of the house"?  Um, OK.  Fail.

• A good wife always knows her place.

Fail.

OK, after writing this, I've realized two things.  I'm not a very good wife by these standards. . . and I could use a wife like this myself!