(originally written on April 15, 2008)
I freely admit that I am one to over-think things. . . . but I think parenthood in particular is something that should not be approached lightly and without reflection about one's motives. In my observation of the world, I note many people who became parents by accident rather than design, as well as people who became parents by design, but for the wrong reasons.
Whatever my expressed doubts about the realities of motherhood and how it would fit in with my life, having a child of my own is something I want to do. . . . and I think that I want it for the right reasons. I am emotionally mature and settled in my own life so that I believe I could provide a solid foundation of security for a child. I absolutely love children and always have, and I am good with them. (I have several friends with kids aged newborn to 16 who will vouch for me on this one.) I realize that MM and I are not yet married, but I feel sure we will be. We have a good "peer" relationship that is stable and will continue indefinitely in any event. I believe that having a child of my own would bring a lot of joy and greater meaning to my life. And given how many other people seem to have successfully navigated the world of working motherhood, I trust that I am underestimating myself when I doubt whether I can do it, too.
In the past several weeks, I've come to a decision. (Yes, my prior post about motherhood was part of this decision-making thought process.) When I complete my current package of birth control bills, I am going to stop taking them. I don't know that I would say I am going to actively try to become pregnant at that point, but I am going to stop preventing that possibility.
I have talked with MM about this, and he is totally OK with this decision. In fact, he is in full support of it and had hoped that I would stop taking the pill a while ago. He fully expects and intends that we will be getting married before the end of the year, and he thinks there's no time like the present for us to "get started" on having a child, particularly because of my advanced (ha ha) age.
So we shall see. As I shared with a friend, in putting this decision into action, I have two fears: one is that I won't be able to get pregnant at all, even when I'm actively trying; the other is that I will get pregnant right away. LOL