Tuesday, March 17, 2009


MM successfully provided his semen sample for his follow-up semen analysis today. He produced it at the RE's office and said it wasn't quite as bad as last time because he knew what to expect. He still felt that the amount he produced was less than his usual but said it was "more than last time."

Aside from his having a brief minor freak-out that the lab might have run the wrong test--another basic S/A rather than a S/A including strict Kruger morphology--which I cleared up with a phone call to the office, it was minimally traumatic for him.

Given the way things went with our last round of testing, I don't expect to hear anything about MM's latest S/A until our follow-up appointment with the RE next Wednesday. It's probably better: we are leaving town tomorrow for a long weekend in NYC with my sister and her family. If the results are less than encouraging, it will be better for MM not to find out just before spending four days with my two-year-old nephew.

MM had dinner with his parents without me last night. He was already out in their neck of the woods (about a 45-minute drive from our house) for a spring training game, and I had a meeting with a doctor at my office at the same time that could not be rescheduled. It was the first time that MM has been alone with his parents for quite some time; generally speaking, we see them about every other weekend for dinner, and we both go together. (The one time he went alone, after we were engaged but before we were married, his parents were really weird about my not being there, so we decided that we wouldn't repeat the experience.)

When I have asked him whether his parents know about our TTC struggles, MM has said that they don't "need to know" and that it is our "private business." I personally have no problem with their knowing. My mom and my sister both know about our efforts and testing thus far and have a rough idea of what our future plans for intervention are. (My dad doesn't know anything but that I'm off birth control. . . . but that's because his wife can't keep a secret and I know from hard experience that he can't NOT tell her stuff.) I have also told a few friends who are discreet and also sympathetic because they have either struggled with infertility themselves or have a close family member who has struggled with it.

In some ways, I feel MM's parents should know because they have a vested interest in the outcome. MM is an only child, so MM is their only available path to grandparenthood. They never pressure him or me in any way--that's not their style--but I know they'd love a grandchild or two because it's been mentioned. I've also had a feeling on a few occasions when I've declined wine at Sunday dinners that I've inadvertently raised some hopes.

So I was interested to hear last night that he had decided to tell his mom and dad everything at dinner (at Red Lobster, no less). He told them that we've been TTC for nearly a year, that we've had a full basic work-up done which showed no problems with either of us, and that we are seeing the RE again next week to talk about our planned next step.

He said they seemed mildly curious but didn't ask a lot of questions. His father did express concern that we might do IVF and end up with "quadruplets or more," and his mother volunteered that they know a woman personally who did IVF and had triplets. But once MM told them that we are not to the point of doing IVF (yet), they were reassured and only had a few questions about how IUIs work. (Not that MM is well able to field these questions. . . . )

I actually feel good that he told them. Not because I necessarily want more people "in my business," but because I think it's good for them to know that we are struggling with this. I'll be 38 on Saturday, and I certainly don't want them to think that we are purposely putting off having children. I also want them to have the opportunity to mentally prepare themselves, as MM and I have done, for the possibility that we may never have our own biological child. I think that will be as sad a realization for them in some ways as it has been for us.

I'm interested to hear how others have handled this situation. Who have you told that you are TTC and how much detail have you given them? And looking optimistically ahead. . . . who will you tell when you get pregnant, and when will you tell them?

1 comment:

  1. Hmmmm. It is a dilemma. I held off as long as possible, because I don't like to hear, "how's it going" all the freaking time. Which was all I heard after I told my parents. Also husband's family is the most fertile clan that ever existed, and I didn't want to be judged either for waiting too long or being defective. So I really did not want to share with them. That said, once we started trying to adopt (which we wanted to do anyway), disclosure was inevitable. But I would prefer to have only a couple friends know because I don't like people up in my business about it. Plus, my parents (actually just my mom) are horrible with secrets, and as I suspected, even though I begged them not tell, they did tell everyone when I was pregnant. I did not want to tell 100 people if something happened. Anyway, that's my two cents.


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