IUI #2.1*

*I refer to it as "2.1" because we should have really had IUI #2 in June.

Today MM's appointment was scheduled for 8:30 a.m. and mine was scheduled for 10:00 a.m. I triggered late Wednesday night, and everything looked good to go. Even before the trigger, I could tell ovulation was close by my CM, and it became even more abundant after the hCG injection.

MM left for the clinic with time to spare. There was no road construction to hold him up. All was on track.

At 8:40 a.m., I got a call from MM telling me that he couldn't "do it." He had been in the masturbatorium (my word for it, not the clinic's) for a while and just didn't think he'd be able to, er, perform.

At first, I thought he might be finished and joking with me. . . but as I listened, I realized that this is not something that he would ever joke about. So I remained calm and matter-of-fact-ly told him that if he couldn't do it, he couldn't do it. He should just tell the staff so that they could cancel my IUI appointment and refund the co-pay for processing his sample. He expressed concern about all the injections I'd taken and the money we've spent, and I pointed out to him that *some* sperm would get to those eggs through intercourse. Our odds of success would be slightly lowered by going that route only, but not to zero.

After we talked a few minutes, he said he would go back in and try "one more time." He called me back about 15 minutes later to say that he'd been successful, though he'd had to "resort to" watching porn. (Hey, I'm pretty sure that's what it's there for. . . ) He also told me later that he thought calling me helped: part of the pressure he'd been feeling had apparently been a result of his thinking that I would "freak out" if he couldn't "get the job done."

I'd place bets that had MM walked out to the front and told the staff he couldn't do it, he would not have been the first-ever man to find himself in that predicament. Yes, our part is much worse. . . even MM acknowledges that. . . but it's still hard for most men to perform under pressure, I'm sure.

I was surprised that I was able to remain so zen about the whole thing. When we did our first IUI in April, I would've definitely freaked out if MM had called me with the same situation. Now? It is what it is. He could either do it, or he couldn't, and no amount of upset on my part was going to change that. Slightly out of character for me. Hmm.

The IUI itself was uneventful. I was brought in shortly after my appointment time and had the NP whom I like/know for the appointment (and who also did my first IUI). Physically, I felt pretty much the same as I did with my first IUI in April: some cramping and pressure, but nothing unbearable. I continue to be bloated and feel pressure--and occasional twinges of mild pain--in my lower abdomen, but the scale was down 2 lbs this morning, so maybe my water retention is beginning to subside.

So now the wait begins. I am supposed to POAS two weeks from today, but I will actually wait two weeks and a day so that I can POAS on a Saturday morning rather than a Friday morning. (I've learned through painful experience that I don't generally have a productive work day after waking up to a BFN. And I can only imagine how distracted I will be if a get a BFP!)

I've never been one to POAS early, and with the hCG trigger shot, I am even less likely to do so. (The only way that would work in my mind would be to "test out" my trigger and start POAS-ing tomorrow or the next day. I believe that this only fuels unhealthy obsessing, and so I don't/won't do it.)

I hope that the next two weeks are as busy as the past two. If they are, I won't have much time to obsess.

Any prayers, positive vibes, good thoughts, white light, energy or the like that anyone cares to send my way will be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Did anyone else find that the Clomid/Follistim combination made you really tired? I was EXHAUSTED all day yesterday: went home a little over 4:00 and napped for over an hour, and then went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and slept straight through--except for one bathroom trip--until nearly 7:00 a.m. VERY unusual for me, as nearly always sleep soundly for 7-8 hours a night and thus am hardly ever tired unless I'm ill.

Random stuff

• I am majorly bloated. The scale is up 3 lbs from two days ago. I am hoping that once I ovulate tomorrow sometime that this will resolve. Ugh.
• Found out last night that another acquaintance of mine is expecting. The best part? She is a struggling single mother who has a 10-year-old and a 7-month-old already. This pregnancy is her second unplanned pregnancy in a little over a year. She is not excited about her pregnancy, for obvious reasons. Awesome. (And as a side note, her lesbian sister and her partner have been doing donor IUIs for months without success. I'm sure THAT will make for fun holidays in her family. . . . )
  
• Life has been extremely busy. I have had something going on every evening this week, and that will continue through the weekend. I'm exhausted!
• Glad it's Thursday!
  

IUI #2.1, CD 13

Today is CD 13 for me, and so far, still no + OPKs. (I have been checking twice a day--once mid-morning and once mid-afternoon--since Monday morning's u/s.) That's a good thing. The NP told me at my u/s on Monday that my best chance of all my four potential follicles developing and releasing mature eggs would be if my body does not start its own LH surge prior to my trigger shot (scheduled for tonight at midnight). If I'd surged on my own and had to trigger earlier, odds are good that I'd only have had 1-2 follicles large enough to contain mature eggs.

Ovulation must be getting close for me, though--notwithstanding the fact that I will be trigger tonight--because my cervix is very high and soft, and I have a lot egg-white cervical mucus. . . so much that I noticed it without doing an internal check. I hope that's good.

So I have my fingers crossed that all four of the follicles we saw on Monday's u/s will have developed enough prior to the trigger to produce mature eggs. The more eggs I have, the more "targets" there will be for the sperm, and thus more chances of pregnancy. (Right? It seems logical.) At my age, and with our history, I feel that there is a much greater chance of yet another BFN than my conceiving high-order multiples. I know it's a possibility, but it seems to me to be a slim one.

I am feeling slightly bloated, and the scale went up a pound and a half overnight, despite my eating healthfully all day yesterday and drinking about 3 liters of water. I'm thinking that the bloat and water retention is due to all that (excellent) activity going on in my ovaries and expect both to subside once I take the trigger shot tonight and ovulate.

I'm oddly optimistic about this cycle. I've obsessed the least that I've done during any cycle in quite some time, and I am perversely encouraged by the fact that my body has not yet produced its own LH surge. In both prior cycles when I've used meds and planned to do IUI (one that I did, one which had to be converted to timed intercourse), I got a + OPK prior to the day when I was scheduled to take my trigger shot. There is probably no significance at all to this last fact, but it gives me hope simply because it is one way in which this cycle is not like the previous (failed) medicated cycles I've had.

We shall see what happens. I shall report on Friday how the IUI went.

Does it never end?

The above arrived in my email inbox yesterday as part of an online invitation. The sender was someone whose name I had never heard, but the guest of honor is a friend of mine who I'll call "A". A and I first met when we worked together as prosecutors and continued our friendship after she left the office. We shared many of the same interests in movies and books, and she was going through a divorce when I broke up with my ex-fiance in March 2007, so we spent a lot of time together during the last several months I lived in Tucson before moving back to Phoenix in July 2007.

Needless to say, given the fact that I had no idea she was pregnant, since I moved to Phoenix, we haven't kept in close touch. To be fair, I think A would acknowledge that our lack of contact is more her fault than mine: there have been many occasions over the past 18 months or so that my emails or phone calls to her have gone unanswered. I'm not bitter about the fact that we haven't had regular contact; these things happen. People get busy with their own lives.

A met her current (second) husband around the same time I met MM. The last time I saw her in person, they had reached the point in their relationship where they were talking about The Future, but things were complicated by the fact that they lived in different cities. I knew from phone calls and emails that they married (also a "planned elopement") about two months after we did, but I haven't really talked to her since then.

So A is 30 weeks pregnant with a boy, due January 4. I am happy for her, but I have to admit, seeing this in my inbox stung.

(To be fair to A, she knows nothing of our struggles with TTC. She doesn't even know we are TTC, let alone with medical intervention.)

Oh well. Finding out that A is pregnant didn't bother me as much as finding out that two more of my law school classmates are also expecting

When?

Though we have only been TTC for 18 months or so, it sometimes seems that I have been waiting an interminable amount of time to be a mother. Isn't that the theme of TTC, especially for those of us with infertility? "Hurry up and wait"?

Unlike some women who wait to TTC until their late 30s to TTC because they came late to the idea of wanting to have a child, I've wanted to be a mom for years. Even as a young teenager babysitting, I used to think about having my own child someday. I've often joked with friends and family that, had I lived in Victorian times, when higher education and employment would have been pretty much unavailable to me as a woman, I would probably have at least 10 children by now. But for the fact that I've spent most of my adulthood pursuing higher education and two professional careers (and married for the first time at age 37), I have no doubt I would have started TTC long ago.

Starting in my late 20s, I'd even talked to my mom about moving near me to help me with my child if I was unmarried by age 35 and chose to be a single mom. But I didn't truly want to take that path, so I kept waiting for the "right" time and the "right" situation. Once I met MM, I finally felt that the time for TTC was right. Not only had I had found a man who could be a partner in every sense of the word and who I thought (think) would make a wonderful father, I had had years of freedom to pursue my own self-centered interests and goals. I was finally relatively established in a career I enjoy, with no imminent plans for any significant changes on that front.

It has seemed to me a great irony that now that the time is finally right for me to TTC, I have been unsuccessful. The fact that we don't know exactly why--except that I am "old"--makes it all the more frustrating.

I've written here before about the disproportionate number of people of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or have become first-time parents in the past three years or so. I learned in the past week about two more law school classmates of mine who are pregnant with their first children. My 5-year law school class reunion is coming up on November 6, and I feel confident that I will be confronted with news of at least 1 or 2 more pregnancies while I'm there, in addition to possibly seeing pregnant women face-to-face. I know that several of my classmates will be bringing their small children to the reunion as well.

To me, one of the worst things about infertility is the uncertainty. Not knowing if we will ever be able to conceive and deliver our own child. Not knowing whether the treatments we are pursuing will work (or really, given our "unexplained" diagnosis, whether they are even indicated for us). Not being able to plan very far into the future because we don't know if we will be pregnant or parenting then. (Right now, I can't even plan a trip for my 40th birthday or think about the next car I'd like to buy without the concern that it plans will have to be changed.)

If I knew FOR SURE that we would eventually have a child of our own, I think I could bear the seemingly interminable waiting. I would gladly pay the price of treatment and endure the injections and all the rest if only I knew that our time would come. Despite both our reservations about it, I think we would even go as far as IVF if we knew that it would work.

But I don't know that. I can't know that.

Even though we have only been TTC 19 cycles, I feel that I have been waiting for YEARS to welcome my child into the world. And I'm still waiting. . . . for something that may never come.

Mid-cycle follical check u/s for IUI #2

I had my u/s this morning, and it was uneventful. I had the NP I know and trust, and I was in and out in less than 30 minutes.

I have four follicles that are big enough that they might release mature eggs this cycle, two on the left and two on the right. The two on the left are smaller--about 13 mm each--and the two on the right were 18.5 mm and 16 mm. The NP said that this was a good response to the drugs I have taken.

Based on this morning's u/s, I am scheduled to trigger late Wednesday night and have my IUI on Friday morning. BUT I have to keep checking my OPKs daily because there is a chance my body will produce its own LH surge due to the one 18.5-mm follicle I have. If that happens, I will likely have fewer eggs and will have to move up my IUI.

Depending upon how things shake out, I should have two to four eggs to work with this cycle. I know that this means that twins (or more) are not entirely out of the question. . . . but honestly, after 18 months of TTC with perfect timing every cycle, normal testing for both of us, with one other failed IUI and only one BFP ever (resulting in a very early miscarriage), I am inclined to think that the odds are greater that I won't get pregnant at all than that I will end up pregnant with multiples.

I have been very fortunate. My drug side effects have been minimal: some moodiness, occasional hot flashes, and some lower abdominal bloating as ovulation gets closer. And I keep reading on others' blogs how the writers gained weight from fertility drugs. I started "eating clean" about two weeks ago and have actually lost about 5 lbs this cycle. Aside from the symptoms I mentioned above and being a little more tired than normal, I've felt pretty much normal.

Still, my abdomen is bruised from the five Fol.lis.tim injections I've taken this cycle, and I still have my hCG trigger shot to go. I hope this cycle is "it" and will produce that elusive sticky BFP we have been waiting for.

Is everyone a parent or pregnant?

This post got me thinking about my own Fac.ebo.ok friends. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, it seems like an awful lot of them are pregnant or have young children.

I counted today, and of my 322 friends, approximately 25 of them are past child-bearing age (I used age 42 for women and no cut-off for men), and I didn't count them. Also, there are about 25 of the remaining almost-300 who I don't know well enough--or don't talk to often enough--to know whether or not they have children and what their ages may be.

Of those friends remaining, about 270-some, the breakdown is as follows:

• 145 have children age 18 or under
• 48 of those have at least one child under age 2 (and in some cases, more than one)
• 11 are pregnant or have pregnant wives

In fairness, I will also disclose that 5 of the women with children under 2 and two of the pregnant women are women I met through my fertility charting website. (That may slightly skew the results.) Even taking that into account, that leaves 43 people with kids under 2 and 9 pregnant people.

I guess this shows that not EVERYONE I know is pregnant or parenting. It only seems that way. ;-)

Still, over half of my friends on FB who are of child-bearing age are currently parenting, and that's a lot.