Though we have only been TTC for 18 months or so, it sometimes seems that I have been waiting an interminable amount of time to be a mother. Isn't that the theme of TTC, especially for those of us with infertility? "Hurry up and wait"?
Unlike some women who wait to TTC until their late 30s to TTC because they came late to the idea of wanting to have a child, I've wanted to be a mom for years. Even as a young teenager babysitting, I used to think about having my own child someday. I've often joked with friends and family that, had I lived in Victorian times, when higher education and employment would have been pretty much unavailable to me as a woman, I would probably have at least 10 children by now. But for the fact that I've spent most of my adulthood pursuing higher education and two professional careers (and married for the first time at age 37), I have no doubt I would have started TTC long ago.
Starting in my late 20s, I'd even talked to my mom about moving near me to help me with my child if I was unmarried by age 35 and chose to be a single mom. But I didn't truly want to take that path, so I kept waiting for the "right" time and the "right" situation. Once I met MM, I finally felt that the time for TTC was right. Not only had I had found a man who could be a partner in every sense of the word and who I thought (think) would make a wonderful father, I had had years of freedom to pursue my own self-centered interests and goals. I was finally relatively established in a career I enjoy, with no imminent plans for any significant changes on that front.
It has seemed to me a great irony that now that the time is finally right for me to TTC, I have been unsuccessful. The fact that we don't know exactly why--except that I am "old"--makes it all the more frustrating.
I've written here before about the disproportionate number of people of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or have become first-time parents in the past three years or so. I learned in the past week about two more law school classmates of mine who are pregnant with their first children. My 5-year law school class reunion is coming up on November 6, and I feel confident that I will be confronted with news of at least 1 or 2 more pregnancies while I'm there, in addition to possibly seeing pregnant women face-to-face. I know that several of my classmates will be bringing their small children to the reunion as well.
To me, one of the worst things about infertility is the uncertainty. Not knowing if we will ever be able to conceive and deliver our own child. Not knowing whether the treatments we are pursuing will work (or really, given our "unexplained" diagnosis, whether they are even indicated for us). Not being able to plan very far into the future because we don't know if we will be pregnant or parenting then. (Right now, I can't even plan a trip for my 40th birthday or think about the next car I'd like to buy without the concern that it plans will have to be changed.)
If I knew FOR SURE that we would eventually have a child of our own, I think I could bear the seemingly interminable waiting. I would gladly pay the price of treatment and endure the injections and all the rest if only I knew that our time would come. Despite both our reservations about it, I think we would even go as far as IVF if we knew that it would work.
But I don't know that. I can't know that.
Even though we have only been TTC 19 cycles, I feel that I have been waiting for YEARS to welcome my child into the world. And I'm still waiting. . . . for something that may never come.
Unlike some women who wait to TTC until their late 30s to TTC because they came late to the idea of wanting to have a child, I've wanted to be a mom for years. Even as a young teenager babysitting, I used to think about having my own child someday. I've often joked with friends and family that, had I lived in Victorian times, when higher education and employment would have been pretty much unavailable to me as a woman, I would probably have at least 10 children by now. But for the fact that I've spent most of my adulthood pursuing higher education and two professional careers (and married for the first time at age 37), I have no doubt I would have started TTC long ago.
Starting in my late 20s, I'd even talked to my mom about moving near me to help me with my child if I was unmarried by age 35 and chose to be a single mom. But I didn't truly want to take that path, so I kept waiting for the "right" time and the "right" situation. Once I met MM, I finally felt that the time for TTC was right. Not only had I had found a man who could be a partner in every sense of the word and who I thought (think) would make a wonderful father, I had had years of freedom to pursue my own self-centered interests and goals. I was finally relatively established in a career I enjoy, with no imminent plans for any significant changes on that front.
It has seemed to me a great irony that now that the time is finally right for me to TTC, I have been unsuccessful. The fact that we don't know exactly why--except that I am "old"--makes it all the more frustrating.
I've written here before about the disproportionate number of people of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or have become first-time parents in the past three years or so. I learned in the past week about two more law school classmates of mine who are pregnant with their first children. My 5-year law school class reunion is coming up on November 6, and I feel confident that I will be confronted with news of at least 1 or 2 more pregnancies while I'm there, in addition to possibly seeing pregnant women face-to-face. I know that several of my classmates will be bringing their small children to the reunion as well.
To me, one of the worst things about infertility is the uncertainty. Not knowing if we will ever be able to conceive and deliver our own child. Not knowing whether the treatments we are pursuing will work (or really, given our "unexplained" diagnosis, whether they are even indicated for us). Not being able to plan very far into the future because we don't know if we will be pregnant or parenting then. (Right now, I can't even plan a trip for my 40th birthday or think about the next car I'd like to buy without the concern that it plans will have to be changed.)
If I knew FOR SURE that we would eventually have a child of our own, I think I could bear the seemingly interminable waiting. I would gladly pay the price of treatment and endure the injections and all the rest if only I knew that our time would come. Despite both our reservations about it, I think we would even go as far as IVF if we knew that it would work.
But I don't know that. I can't know that.
Even though we have only been TTC 19 cycles, I feel that I have been waiting for YEARS to welcome my child into the world. And I'm still waiting. . . . for something that may never come.
i hear you sista! i hope your waiting comes to an end soon. i wish you all the best this cycle.
ReplyDeleteI so feel your pain. We're only nearing the end of our 14th cycle, but I often say that if I just knew for sure it would happen someday, I could deal with the waiting. It sucks hard core to just wait and wait with no answers. *hug*
ReplyDeleteSorry! I know that's a terrible feeling, and I agree - the uncertainty is the worst. Good luck with this cycle!!!
ReplyDelete~ICLW
http://tryingagian.blogspot.com/
I hear ya on that. I feel the same way about unexplained IF. Why bother with IVF and spend all that money when they don't even know what my real problem is ?? I certainly am not THAT financially secure to be able to throw my money away on absolute uncertainty. It is so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI just started a new type of risky IF tx today. It is definitely alternative, but a lot cheaper than IVF. I should have more answers by the end of the week if it is likely to help me conceive. I will blog about it, as well, but I just don't have the time today (or probably tmr) to go into details, so probably by this week-end.
I have tried just about everything else alternative that is available. I just want some answers, and I definitely know that you are with me on this. We just want someone to spend a little time with us and figure out what the hell is going on with our bodies? Is that too much to ask for?
I mean, IVF is a necessity for a lot of people, but it's a little extreme for an unexplained diagnosis. Oh well!
Good luck, as always!!!! Hopefully, this is your cycle (:
I feel your pain! I haven't counted how many cycles we've had, but we've been at it for nearly 3 years (to varying degrees). I, too, wish I could just see the future. Even if I just get a vision of HOW MANY kids I'll have so I can know that AT SOME POINT it will work! Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteI pray that your IUI will result in that much sought-after sticky bean! Good luck!
Hey! Thanks for commenting on my blog. I appreciate your honesty. The uncertainty is the hardest thing for me too. If only I knew if it would happen or not and when that time would be. We could either grieve and move on to adoption plans or relax knowing that it will happen eventually. But the not knowing is very hard. It is my daily prayer to turn my worries over to the Lord and remind myself that He is in control and everything will happen in His timing.
ReplyDelete