Monday, June 10, 2013

Where do I belong?

I have been on a semi-hiatus here, and it has continued at least in part because I'm not sure where I belong.

I wrote here nearly three years ago about sometimes feeling like a fraud in the infertility community, primarily because I/we never had an actual diagnosis but were simply "unexplained."  (In fact, my local RE told me once that he would consider me "subfertile" vs. "infertile.")

That feeling has resurfaced to an even greater degree since my unplanned pregnancy in March.  I mean, apparently I am/was able to get pregnant without intervention, despite 40 failed cycles of TTC.  Who knew?

At the same time, having conceived our sons through the use of donor eggs and IVF, I feel that my "journey to parenthood" is forever set apart from those who simply conceived through intercourse, with no medical assistance.  I mean, if someone uses IVF to conceive, strictly speaking, there is no need to ever tell your child this fact about his/her conception (any more than there would be a need to detail the sexual positions used or location of said conception if it were unassisted).  Not so with donor egg IVF.

If in no other lasting way, our family is different from those families in that my sons are not genetically related to me.  Given the growing ubiquity of genetic testing, this fact is something I likely could not conceal from my sons, even if I were of a mind to do so.  (And I'm not.)

Additionally, as I wrote about hereI don't think much about my (alleged) infertility any more now that our boys have arrived, and so the angst that spurred me to start this blog and to continue writing here are (mostly) gone.  For me, blogging has been both a chronicle of my experiences and a form of therapy and catharsis, as well as a way to connect with others going through similar experiences.  Nowadays, despite being a part of PAIL Bloggers and other online communities for parents after infertility, for reasons I can't quite articulate, I just don't feel the same camaraderie or esprit de corps or *something* most of the time.

These days, my biggest challenges seem to be spending the majority of my time away from my sons at a job I find mostly frustrating and lacking in personal fulfillment, and parenting two toddlers with limited language abilities and very different personalities.  So in those respects, maybe the place I belong is in a group of other full-time, working-outside-the-home mothers of twins?  I'm not aware of such a group--I haven't really made connections like this in my local Mothers of Multiples group--but I'm sure one exists.  Although I suspect that the other moms who would "fit into" this group would be like me: too busy and stressed for many get-togethers.

I still very much enjoy reading all my regular blogs and finding out what my friends in the ALI community are up to--even those who are now parenting, since that is the majority of those friends--but I somehow feel that the things I would choose to write about here, if I had the time and the inclination, would be things that would be of little-to-no interest to those same friends.

I don't know.  I hate posing questions to which I don't know the answers; I suppose that's the lawyer in me.

To sum up:  my sons are a joy, if sometimes also a challenge; my marriage and most of my other interpersonal relationships are going along relatively smoothly at present; and I have added looking for a new job to my already full-to-the-brim to-do list.  That's my life in a nutshell.


  1. I'm like you in that my infertility isn't really a big deal anymore - we have our kids, and we're done having kids, so it's past. It still does set me apart from other moms (perspective, mostly, I think), as does having twins, as does having a child with medical problems. I don't fit firmly into any category.

    Write what's interesting to you. Write about you. Write about your kids. Write about the challenges of having twins and working full time.

    I think a lot of people feel outside the "community", whatever community that is. But you still make connections, maybe only with a couple people here or there, but ones that matter still.

  2. It sounds like you find writing to be a good thing, so why not shift the focus of your blog to your daily life? Write about whatever you want. So many times I've been told I need to find a niche community for my blog, but, well, I don't want to. My life doesn't fit in to any one niche, any one group or community. My life is mine and that's what I choose to write about.

    Just something to consider. Our lives shift & grow, ebb & flow. Rarely do we feel the "fit" in the same place for ever & ever, for years on end. We change, the world changes, and it's all good.

  3. "...for reasons I can't quite articulate, I just don't feel the same camaraderie or esprit de corps or *something* most of the time."

    I understand, and have been contemplating along those same lines. Most of the blogs I follow are now mommy-after-infertility blogs. Which is awesome!, which is the goal!, which is the point of blogging about IF - to work through the crap and hopefully get to the pregnancy and the parenting.

    I think the emotional aspect of being "in the trenches" forms a strong bond. You really GET what other ladies are saying, even if you're on different treatment plans or in different stages. The anxiety/emotional stuff links us.

    But once the little ones come along, the blog becomes more about life generally and about the kid(s). It's more like watching someone else's story, catching up on the highlights of their lives, rather than feeling the connection of IF.

    For my part, I admit that I feel less substantive on my blog. Less waxing poetic, less delving into the emotions. More "hey, how are ya" glossing-over because time is moving so incredibly fast that I'm not sure which end is up. (Seriously, it's June TENTH? of 2013? HOW?!)

    It's interesting, how life moves along. I often think of the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime." I ask myself, "well, how did I get here?"

  4. Understandable how you feel. I just had a failed DE cycle and all along I kept thinking of how I would tell my baby/ies that I'm not the biological mom and how they'd cope with being related to only one parent.

  5. I totally get this. I couldn't get enough of blogging and reading about everyone's journey a few years ago--but that was when I was going through it too. Now I find it hard to relate to those in the trenches, not because I haven't been there, but because there are just too many other things filling my life. And as someone said, "mommy blogs" now are really just catching up on each others' lives/kids, and really? That isn't nearly as engaging/emotional as catching up on someone's IF journey when you're in it too. There's no real bond there...hard to explain and I don't think I am doing a very good job trying. All this to say it's not the same anymore I guess.

  6. I'm with you, ...for reasons I can't quite articulate, I just don't feel the same camaraderie or esprit de corps or *something* most of the time."

    I don't do all that well with mommy blogs and I like to occasionally read the TTC blogs but I hardly ever feel motivated to blog myself.

    Personally I feel attached to certain bloggers I have been following for a while, you one of them, but the shift is umm, different.

    I would love for you to promise me that if you went away we could be "friends" on FB, if you are in fact there. Write what moves you, I will follow along.
    I'm glad the boys and all the major relationships are going well.

  7. I have left the blogosphere just due to life being hectic, but thought I would jump in to catch up today.

    I had no idea about anything that had been going on with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had been around to give you some support.

    I hope you continue to check in periodically as I do want to stay in touch.

  8. I actually started a Working Twin Mamas group!

  9. I know what you mean. I pretty much just use my blog as a journal, which is what it was meant to be in the first place, anyways. But who knows if I'll be able to keep up after this kid is born? Like you, though, I do love checking in on everyone who went through IF when I did. I appreciate all the support and miss seeing how everyone is doing. :)

  10. I had to come back and comment on this post because I've been thinking about it since I first read it (sorry, it's so hard to comment on blogger posts with my phone so I haven't been able to comment much lately!) and it influenced my recent post on "What Really Matters". The whole working mom of twins thing has suddenly become such a defining role with two demanding toddlers and a demanding job. It's just... a lot. So I've been thinking of you and hoping you're hanging in there! :)


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