I have been on a semi-hiatus here, and it has continued at least in part because I'm not sure where I belong.
I wrote here nearly three years ago about sometimes feeling like a fraud in the infertility community, primarily because I/we never had an actual diagnosis but were simply "unexplained." (In fact, my local RE told me once that he would consider me "subfertile" vs. "infertile.")
That feeling has resurfaced to an even greater degree since my unplanned pregnancy in March. I mean, apparently I am/was able to get pregnant without intervention, despite 40 failed cycles of TTC. Who knew?
At the same time, having conceived our sons through the use of donor eggs and IVF, I feel that my "journey to parenthood" is forever set apart from those who simply conceived through intercourse, with no medical assistance. I mean, if someone uses IVF to conceive, strictly speaking, there is no need to ever tell your child this fact about his/her conception (any more than there would be a need to detail the sexual positions used or location of said conception if it were unassisted). Not so with donor egg IVF.
If in no other lasting way, our family is different from those families in that my sons are not genetically related to me. Given the growing ubiquity of genetic testing, this fact is something I likely could not conceal from my sons, even if I were of a mind to do so. (And I'm not.)
Additionally, as I wrote about here, I don't think much about my (alleged) infertility any more now that our boys have arrived, and so the angst that spurred me to start this blog and to continue writing here are (mostly) gone. For me, blogging has been both a chronicle of my experiences and a form of therapy and catharsis, as well as a way to connect with others going through similar experiences. Nowadays, despite being a part of PAIL Bloggers and other online communities for parents after infertility, for reasons I can't quite articulate, I just don't feel the same camaraderie or esprit de corps or *something* most of the time.
These days, my biggest challenges seem to be spending the majority of my time away from my sons at a job I find mostly frustrating and lacking in personal fulfillment, and parenting two toddlers with limited language abilities and very different personalities. So in those respects, maybe the place I belong is in a group of other full-time, working-outside-the-home mothers of twins? I'm not aware of such a group--I haven't really made connections like this in my local Mothers of Multiples group--but I'm sure one exists. Although I suspect that the other moms who would "fit into" this group would be like me: too busy and stressed for many get-togethers.
I still very much enjoy reading all my regular blogs and finding out what my friends in the ALI community are up to--even those who are now parenting, since that is the majority of those friends--but I somehow feel that the things I would choose to write about here, if I had the time and the inclination, would be things that would be of little-to-no interest to those same friends.
I don't know. I hate posing questions to which I don't know the answers; I suppose that's the lawyer in me.
To sum up: my sons are a joy, if sometimes also a challenge; my marriage and most of my other interpersonal relationships are going along relatively smoothly at present; and I have added looking for a new job to my already full-to-the-brim to-do list. That's my life in a nutshell.