Monday, March 11, 2013

And here is the answer to my question. . . a few years late

Back in 2010, when we were taking a break from treatment and trying to decide whether we really wanted to be parents enough to gamble $30K on a donor egg IVF cycle that might give us a chance at it, or whether we should go the adoption route (despite MM's misgivings about that option at the time), or whether we should simply resign ourselves to a childless life, I did a lot of reading and thinking about why I wanted to be a parent.  Being a rational type, I wanted to make a well-thought-out and logical decision.  (I wrote a post here asking others to share their reasons, and one of the comments there from a dear friend of mine is one of the best I'd ever heard on the topic.)

Now this article appeared on NPR this morning, and this explains so much.  Wish I could have read this research a few years ago!  Not that it would have changed my decision, or the path we took, but I think it might have helped me to understood why finding clarity on this point was so difficult.

4 comments:

  1. I'm actually surprised that this article had to be written -- I've never considered the decision whether or not to have children to be a rational vs. irrational one, or even one that involves logic... more like a biological drive or emotinoal desire. I always assumed everybody felt that way. Of cousre in the situation you outlined above ($30K), you HAVE to make it an intellectual decision because of the great amount of $$ involved.

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  2. Not sure I get the article at all. J and I did a lot of talking, over a year of talking, when we found out what we were up against. We made our decision to pursue donor eggs as the last resort before adoption. I made sure he understood that having a child isn't all rainbows and kisses. It will be diapers that leak poop, teething, colic, croup, puking and all those good things of kisses, smiles, hugs, fingerprints on every known and previously unknown surface now sticky from the little fingers. I've had him change diapers of his littlest cousins to learn and babysit 3 eight year olds for a movie night so the parents could have a night out. We went into this with our eyes wide open.

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  3. I really liked the article. It seemed to squarely point out the obvious (at least after reading it) which a person never really considers: you simply cannot know that which you have not personally experienced. Not truly, anyway. It would be exactly the same thing if I pondered moving to India. I can look at pictures, talk to people who lived there, do all my internet research, etc, but I'll never really know unless and until I live there myself. Several years ago before I was married and way before kids I only asked myself if I thought I could lead a happy and fulfilling life without children. I decided I could, but felt sad about the likely reality. Because IF treatments cost so much, I think we are forced to attempt the whole rational decision making thing. Is it worth it? Will we think it was worth it if we fail? Can we afford to try again if we fail? Anyway, thanks for sharing the article - great food for thought!

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  4. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. It was so timely as my husband and I are most likely going to pursue egg donation and your blog is an amazing resource. Thank you!

    As for the article, you don't know until you try. So true! Parenthood has been nothing that I expected and far more. I do think that too often people (especially those who don't feel compelled to have kids or had them easily and it didn't turn out to be what they had hoped) try to infuse logic into the decision when it is a primal need that defies explanation. Can you explain the need to find a mate (well, I guess in some cases, but very few go into it for logical reasons-like lower taxes or financial security alone).

    This idea of needing to logically explain the desire for a child is directed more so at infertile couples because we must go to great lengths. I rarely hear of fertile couples who must stand up for the why of family building. I resent this, but love this article. I'll have to forward it if anyone asks!

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